MSTing "Alien: Resurrection"

(Cronan Thompson)

While I'm preparing my Merlin MiSTing (thanks to Nicole for sending that to me) I thought I'd take a break and write a short one for the Resurrection. While not as awful as most of my projects it seemed like a prime target so on with the show:

[A Brandywine Production]
"Presents a film conceived under the influence."

[Alien Resurrection]
"Is this going to be a standup fight or another box office hunt?"

[Morphing, writhing background with body parts in it]
"It's a movie about the Manson Family Taffy Pull."

[squeal]"It's the SS Polly Pocket."

[Directed by: Jean-Pierre Jeunet]
"French people piss me off."
"This is their revenge for Mickey Rourke."

[Metal tube recedes revealing Ripley]
"Heroine: Bottle in a can."
"Looks tasty."
"Canned in 100% spring water."

[Brad Dourif cuts Ripley open]
"Dooty Doot Doooo. Don't mind me."

[He takes out the alien]
"Someone was an intern at the White House..."

Gediman: What about her? Can we keep her alive?
"Pretty please. I'll feed her and love her and call her George."

Gediman: Excellent work. Everybody
"Except for you. You slacker."

[Ripley grabs Evil Scientist with her legs and squeezes]
"Squeeze, squeeze, *squeeze* your way to better hips and thighs."

Wren[gasps for breath]: I'm all right
"In fact I feel a bit tingly."

Wren: Well I'm guessing but
"It was probably the Plot Fairies."

General: Oh hoho ho. Stupid me
"He's soooo dead right now."

[General breathes on the computer thing]
Computer: Thank you General Perez
[mimicking]"You have a blood alcohol of .04."

General: As far as I'm concerned number eight is a meat byproduct
[sing]"My bologna has a first name it's E L L E N."

General: Her majesty here is the real pay-off
"They brought back Princess Di?"

[Shot of the queen alien]
"You goofed. That's Prince Charles.."

Gediman: Fork
Ripley: Fuck
"This movie is officially bestowed The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word Fuck Award."

Ripley: It's a queen
"Its sexual orientation is irrelevant."

[Wren approaches]
"The evil stench of idiocy precedes him."

Wren: I think you'll find things have changed a great deal since your time
"We've grown steadily stupider."

Ripley: It won't make any difference. You're still gonna die
"Well aren't you a Negative Nancy."

Wren: Wish you could understand what we're trying to do here...
"Die. Painfully if at all possible."

Ripley: You can't teach it tricks
"They're like cats..."

Elgyn: Time to enjoy some of the general's hospitality, Christie
"Then we tickle him to death."

Christie: Expecting any trouble?
"Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes."

Johner: You hang with us long enough and you'll find out that I am not the man with whom to fuck
"Some of us don't brag about that type of thing."

[They stand in the door way with the light to their backs]
"Power Rangers... in space."

General: These were very hard to come by[pushes over stack of money]
"Monopoly's been banned for almost a century."

Elgyn: She is severely fuckable, ain't she?
"I bet she gives great helmet, too."

General: It's a military operation
"As opposed to a Girl Scout operation?"

Computer: Follow the path. Do not deviate
[mimicking]"You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."

[People are suspended over the alien eggs]
"It's one of those theme restaurants."

[Guy with an alien egg in front of him screams]

[Ripley slam dunks the ball]
"She's Larry Bird. With cleavage."

[Ripley teases Johner with the basketball]
[humming globetrotter music]

[Ripley's blood melts through the floor]
[sing]"She's a special kind of girl."

[nothing's happening]
"I guess this is intermission."

[Alien drools]
[southern]"Something roundst here smells good."

[Gediman kisses the alien through the glass]
"This is like one of those women in prison movies."

[Second mouth shoots out]
"Kiss a mouth like that and you're gonna end up with a lot more than mono."

[Gediman pushes red button shooting gas at the Alien, causing it to scream in pain]
Gediman: So. We're fast learner
"And the first lesson is never kiss a strange man through Plexiglas."

[Call has on boxing gloves and is trying to pick up her drink]
"This is getting just a tad surreal."

[Call sprays stuff on the sensor thingie]
Computer: Thank You General Perez
"She's got General Perez in a convenient spray."

[Call slowly opens Ripley's shirt]
Ripley: Well?
"I just had them done."

Ripley: It's too late
"You've already signed a multi-film contract."

Ripley: It's inevitable
Call: Not as long as I'm around
"I'm gonna squeak them to death."

Ripley: I can make it stop
"The Seduction of Winona."

Elgyn: What the hell is going on here?
"Thelma and Louise vs. Aliens."

Wren: You know what the penalties for terrorist activity are
"A guest appearance on the new Love Boat."

[Pirates kill heavily armed soldiers]
Soldier who has apparently been sleeping: DROP YOUR WEAPONS!!
"Forrest Gumps' direct descendant."

[He is promptly killed]
"That's what you get for being a big stupid."

[Aliens escape]
"So now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb."

[Lady breathes heavily]
"I think I broke a NAIL!"

[Gediman enters cell]
"A brain like that is a terrible waste of space."

[Alien grabs his face and pulls him down]
"Time for some sweeet love."

Call: He is breeding an alien species more than dangerous
"It's clumsy and ignorant."
"They're only aliens because you haven't established a dialogue."

Christie: Shut up. Listen
[New England Accent]"Death comes a callin."

[Soldier, carrying only a handgun, walks into the Alien's cell]
"I was strolling through the park one day..."

[Alien drools all over the big red button]
[come-hither voice]"It's begging you. It's teasing you. With its naughty roundness.

[People can be heard screaming]
[sing]"Be all that you can be."

Computer: Your attention please
"The violence has begun. The violence has begun."

[Guy in wheelchair starts shooting at an alien]
"The Handicapped: Armed and Dangerous."

[Alien punctures he general's skull. He reaches behind him and pulls out a fragment of brain]
"So that's what's been slowing me down all these years."

[Elgyn sees something sparkly down a long, dark corridor]
"Oo! Oo! It might be a role of aluminum foil."

Vriess[faint]: Elgyn where are you?
"Taking a leisurely walk towards my gruesome death."

[Elgyn picks up a gun covered in slime]
"Damn kids."

Vriess: Elgyn!
"Can't you see I'm busy dying?"

[Call freezes for a reaction shot while Alien hisses]
"How Speilbergian."

[Gun pops out of Elgyns stomach and shoots alien]
"Yummmy, yummy he's got love in his tummy."

Call: The fuck!
Ripley: Was it everything you'd hoped for?
"Those two are so horribly confused...."

Christie: It's not over
"Well, not for another two hours."
"We've got another 20 mil to spend on FX."

Christie: How many more are there?
Wren: 12
Johner: 12
Wren: 12
Johner: 12
"The movie sponsored by the letter 12 and the number x."

Ripley: Who do I have to fuck to get off of this boat?
"James Cameron."

Call: She will turn on us in a second
"And she voluntarily appeared in the Ghostbusters 2."

Ripley: If they send anyone out it'll be here. Where the meat is
"Wished they'd send someone to where ever the hell all the action is."

Ripley: The ship's moving
Wren: This ship has stealth runners. There's no way you can tell
"A ship that can cloak its movements from... its passengers. Clearly French."

For a brief interval the movie isn't outright awful then:
[Ripley torches a room]
"Yeah, but it's a dry heat!"

Johner: Must be a chick thing
"He must be one of those guys who thinks harass is two words

[They come across the bodies]
"See what happens when you eat Planet Hollywood?"

Johner: Am I dreaming or is this not the shit we brought with us
Christie: Yeah. It's the same shit
"Shit, don't just leave that shit. It's da Shit. That would be a shitty thing to do."

[Weird strobe light in the background]
"Why is it that broken light bulbs in the future strobe like that?"

Purvis: Where am I?
"On the SS Pollypocket."

Purvis: I know I don't understand
"I know you don't understand too."

Purvis: I saw horrible things
"Al Gore naked?"

[Ripley sniffs him]
Ripley: Leave him
"He wears Oldspice."

Purvis: What's inside me?
"The tears of a clown."

Purvis: What's inside me

"Well there's no need to shout."

Ripley: I'm the monster's mother
"Freud would have field day with this."

"It's not normal for a soundtrack to have nothing to do with anything in the movie, is it?"

[Water filled passage]
"A flood in space."
"You gotta admit it's original."
"So is having your ass dyed yellow."

[They dive into the water]
"It's like the Poseidon Adventure without the interesting characters."

[Aliens attack them, Vriess struggles]
"Here's to swimming with bow legged women."

[Alien gets Vriess, Ripley watches]
"I got to tell you, I give this whole thing a sphincter-factor of about 9.5."

"They're trapped in a giant bowling ball."
"At least Waterworld had Dennis Hopper."

[Now they climb]
"I feel like I'm watching ESPN."

[Wren shoots Call and he escapes through the door as she falls]
"If this were an after-school special, ooh, you'd pay a bittersweet price for your betrayal."

[Really fake looking CGI alien crawls up behind them]
"I've seen Porn stars fake orgasms that were more convincing."

[Johner shoots laser]
"When did semi-automatic handguns start shooting lasers?"
"About the same time DNA started carrying memories."

[Call opens the door from the inside]
"How'd she get up there?"
"Stop thinking or you'll fry your brain."

[Call sniffles]
"Massive chest wounds make me feel sick too."

Ripley: You're a robot?
"We prefer to be called Artificial-Americans."

Distephano: I had heard that a few, just a few, had gotten out
"He's mighty well informed for a grunt."

Call: I burned my modem. We all did
"People have been asking me to do that for years."

[Call takes over]
"Now would be a good time cut off the Alien's oxygen supply."

[Purvis starts to shake, then stops]
Purvis: I'm okay.
"I always do that."

Call: Don't touch me
"You inhuman person you."

Ripley: I'm finding a lot of things funny lately. But I don't think they
"Like that whole universe thingie. What a hoot."

Call: How can you stand being what you are?
"Tall with actual breasts?"

[Ripley and Call bond]
"I'm tempted to die so I can get a head start on spinning in my grave."

[Ripley grabs Johner by the throat and pulls on his tongue]
"Watch your tongue if you like this job."

[Ripley falls into a pit]
"She's being slowly sucked into a giant anus."
"That type of thing happens all the time in France."

[Alien drags a sedate Ripley]
"Maybe this is a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."

[Purvis has a problem]
"Ah... the pain of child birth."

[Purvis whoops Wren's ass]
"I think he's sharing his pain."

[Alien bursts through Purvis' chest and through Wren's head]
"Ding Ding! We have a winner."

Gediman: That is Ripley's gift to her; a human reproductive system
"I'd be pissed if someone gave me puberty."
"I'm pissed that no one gave her birth control pills."

[Queen Alien has a big ole sack attached to her hind quarters]
"Someone needs to change that colostomy bag and QUICK."

[Queen ostensibly goes into labor]
"And breath. In and out. That's wonderful. Now PUUUUUUSH."

[Gediman is really excited]
"This guy really needs to get out more."

[Thing is born]
"That thing's ugly enough to burn the nose hairs off a dead nun."
"It's one of those all body birthmarks you hear about."
"Looks like it fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

Gediman: You are beautiful butterfly
"He's not quite right in the head, you know.."
"I'd noticed."

[Alien thing kills Queen]
"Ungrateful little yuppie larva."

"This is only slightly less sickening than Crossfire."
"It looks and sounds like one of Michael Jackson's sperm."

Gediman: It thinks your his mother
"I often make that mistake."

[It eats Gediman's brain]
"Taste great. Less filling."

[Ripley gets the hell out of there]
"That's the closest thing to common sense anyone has shown thus far."

[Thing does its damnedest to look cute]
"Reminds me of Gary Coleman."

[There is lightning INSIDE the _Betty_]
"My weird shit-o-meter just redlined."

[Creature pops Distephano's head like a grape]
"Looks like cherry pie."

[Ripley gives her baby a huggy poo]
"The resemblance is just uncanny."

[Ripley disciplines her baby by blowing it out into space]
"Ahhh. Clearly from the Joan Crawford school of discipline."
"That was the single hardest blowjob in recorded history."

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