While I'm preparing my Merlin MiSTing (thanks to Nicole for sending that to me) I thought I'd take a break and write a short one for the Resurrection. While not as awful as most of my projects it seemed like a prime target so on with the show:
[A Brandywine Production]
"Presents a film conceived under the influence."
"Is this going to be a standup fight or another box office hunt?"
[Morphing, writhing background with body parts in it]
"It's a movie about the Manson Family Taffy Pull."
[squeal]"It's the SS Polly Pocket."
[Directed by: Jean-Pierre Jeunet]
"French people piss me off."
"This is their revenge for Mickey Rourke."
[Metal tube recedes revealing Ripley]
"Heroine: Bottle in a can."
"Canned in 100% spring water."
[Brad Dourif cuts Ripley open]
"Dooty Doot Doooo. Don't mind me."
[He takes out the alien]
"Someone was an intern at the White House..."
Gediman: What about her? Can we keep her alive?
"Pretty please. I'll feed her and love her and call her George."
Gediman: Excellent work. Everybody
"Except for you. You slacker."
[Ripley grabs Evil Scientist with her legs and squeezes]
"Squeeze, squeeze, *squeeze* your way to better hips and thighs."
Wren[gasps for breath]: I'm all right
"In fact I feel a bit tingly."
Wren: Well I'm guessing but
"It was probably the Plot Fairies."
General: Oh hoho ho. Stupid me
"He's soooo dead right now."
[General breathes on the computer thing]
Computer: Thank you General Perez
[mimicking]"You have a blood alcohol of .04."
General: As far as I'm concerned number eight is a meat byproduct
[sing]"My bologna has a first name it's E L L E N."
General: Her majesty here is the real pay-off
"They brought back Princess Di?"
[Shot of the queen alien]
"You goofed. That's Prince Charles.."
"This movie is officially bestowed The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word Fuck Award."
Ripley: It's a queen
"Its sexual orientation is irrelevant."
"The evil stench of idiocy precedes him."
Wren: I think you'll find things have changed a great deal since your time
"We've grown steadily stupider."
Ripley: It won't make any difference. You're still gonna die
"Well aren't you a Negative Nancy."
Wren: Wish you could understand what we're trying to do here...
"Die. Painfully if at all possible."
Ripley: You can't teach it tricks
"They're like cats..."
Elgyn: Time to enjoy some of the general's hospitality, Christie
"Then we tickle him to death."
Christie: Expecting any trouble?
"Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes."
Johner: You hang with us long enough and you'll find out that I am not the man with whom to fuck
"Some of us don't brag about that type of thing."
[They stand in the door way with the light to their backs]
"Power Rangers... in space."
General: These were very hard to come by[pushes over stack of money]
"Monopoly's been banned for almost a century."
Elgyn: She is severely fuckable, ain't she?
"I bet she gives great helmet, too."
General: It's a military operation
"As opposed to a Girl Scout operation?"
Computer: Follow the path. Do not deviate
[mimicking]"You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."
[People are suspended over the alien eggs]
"It's one of those theme restaurants."
[Guy with an alien egg in front of him screams]
"I'M TRAPPED IN SEQUEL HELL!"
[Ripley slam dunks the ball]
"She's Larry Bird. With cleavage."
[Ripley teases Johner with the basketball]
[humming globetrotter music]
[Ripley's blood melts through the floor]
[sing]"She's a special kind of girl."
"I guess this is intermission."
[southern]"Something roundst here smells good."
[Gediman kisses the alien through the glass]
"This is like one of those women in prison movies."
[Second mouth shoots out]
"Kiss a mouth like that and you're gonna end up with a lot more than mono."
[Gediman pushes red button shooting gas at the Alien, causing it to scream in pain]
Gediman: So. We're fast learner
"And the first lesson is never kiss a strange man through Plexiglas."
[Call has on boxing gloves and is trying to pick up her drink]
"This is getting just a tad surreal."
[Call sprays stuff on the sensor thingie]
Computer: Thank You General Perez
"She's got General Perez in a convenient spray."
[Call slowly opens Ripley's shirt]
"I just had them done."
Ripley: It's too late
"You've already signed a multi-film contract."
Ripley: It's inevitable
Call: Not as long as I'm around
"I'm gonna squeak them to death."
Ripley: I can make it stop
"The Seduction of Winona."
Elgyn: What the hell is going on here?
"Thelma and Louise vs. Aliens."
Wren: You know what the penalties for terrorist activity are
"A guest appearance on the new Love Boat."
[Pirates kill heavily armed soldiers]
Soldier who has apparently been sleeping: DROP YOUR WEAPONS!!
"Forrest Gumps' direct descendant."
[He is promptly killed]
"That's what you get for being a big stupid."
"So now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb."
[Lady breathes heavily]
"I think I broke a NAIL!"
[Gediman enters cell]
"A brain like that is a terrible waste of space."
[Alien grabs his face and pulls him down]
"Time for some sweeet love."
Call: He is breeding an alien species more than dangerous
"It's clumsy and ignorant."
"They're only aliens because you haven't established a dialogue."
Christie: Shut up. Listen
[New England Accent]"Death comes a callin."
[Soldier, carrying only a handgun, walks into the Alien's cell]
"I was strolling through the park one day..."
[Alien drools all over the big red button]
[come-hither voice]"It's begging you. It's teasing you. With its naughty roundness.
[People can be heard screaming]
[sing]"Be all that you can be."
Computer: Your attention please
"The violence has begun. The violence has begun."
[Guy in wheelchair starts shooting at an alien]
"The Handicapped: Armed and Dangerous."
[Alien punctures he general's skull. He reaches behind him and pulls out a fragment of brain]
"So that's what's been slowing me down all these years."
[Elgyn sees something sparkly down a long, dark corridor]
"Oo! Oo! It might be a role of aluminum foil."
Vriess[faint]: Elgyn where are you?
"Taking a leisurely walk towards my gruesome death."
[Elgyn picks up a gun covered in slime]
"Can't you see I'm busy dying?"
[Call freezes for a reaction shot while Alien hisses]
[Gun pops out of Elgyns stomach and shoots alien]
"Yummmy, yummy he's got love in his tummy."
Call: The fuck!
Ripley: Was it everything you'd hoped for?
"Those two are so horribly confused...."
Christie: It's not over
"Well, not for another two hours."
"We've got another 20 mil to spend on FX."
Christie: How many more are there?
"The movie sponsored by the letter 12 and the number x."
Ripley: Who do I have to fuck to get off of this boat?
Call: She will turn on us in a second
"And she voluntarily appeared in the Ghostbusters 2."
Ripley: If they send anyone out it'll be here. Where the meat is
"Wished they'd send someone to where ever the hell all the action is."
Ripley: The ship's moving
Wren: This ship has stealth runners. There's no way you can tell
"A ship that can cloak its movements from... its passengers. Clearly French."
For a brief interval the movie isn't outright awful then:
[Ripley torches a room]
"Yeah, but it's a dry heat!"
Johner: Must be a chick thing
"He must be one of those guys who thinks harass is two words
[They come across the bodies]
"See what happens when you eat Planet Hollywood?"
Johner: Am I dreaming or is this not the shit we brought with us
Christie: Yeah. It's the same shit
"Shit, don't just leave that shit. It's da Shit. That would be a shitty thing to do."
[Weird strobe light in the background]
"Why is it that broken light bulbs in the future strobe like that?"
Purvis: Where am I?
"On the SS Pollypocket."
Purvis: I know I don't understand
"I know you don't understand too."
Purvis: I saw horrible things
"Al Gore naked?"
[Ripley sniffs him]
Ripley: Leave him
"He wears Oldspice."
Purvis: What's inside me?
"The tears of a clown."
Purvis: What's inside me
Purvis: WHAT'S IN FUCKING SIDE ME?
"Well there's no need to shout."
Ripley: I'm the monster's mother
"Freud would have field day with this."
"It's not normal for a soundtrack to have nothing to do with anything in the movie, is it?"
[Water filled passage]
"A flood in space."
"You gotta admit it's original."
"So is having your ass dyed yellow."
[They dive into the water]
"It's like the Poseidon Adventure without the interesting characters."
[Aliens attack them, Vriess struggles]
"Here's to swimming with bow legged women."
[Alien gets Vriess, Ripley watches]
"I got to tell you, I give this whole thing a sphincter-factor of about 9.5."
"They're trapped in a giant bowling ball."
"At least Waterworld had Dennis Hopper."
[Now they climb]
"I feel like I'm watching ESPN."
[Wren shoots Call and he escapes through the door as she falls]
"If this were an after-school special, ooh, you'd pay a bittersweet price for your betrayal."
[Really fake looking CGI alien crawls up behind them]
"I've seen Porn stars fake orgasms that were more convincing."
[Johner shoots laser]
"When did semi-automatic handguns start shooting lasers?"
"About the same time DNA started carrying memories."
[Call opens the door from the inside]
"How'd she get up there?"
"Stop thinking or you'll fry your brain."
"Massive chest wounds make me feel sick too."
Ripley: You're a robot?
"We prefer to be called Artificial-Americans."
Distephano: I had heard that a few, just a few, had gotten out
"He's mighty well informed for a grunt."
Call: I burned my modem. We all did
"People have been asking me to do that for years."
[Call takes over]
"Now would be a good time cut off the Alien's oxygen supply."
[Purvis starts to shake, then stops]
Purvis: I'm okay.
"I always do that."
Call: Don't touch me
"You inhuman person you."
Ripley: I'm finding a lot of things funny lately. But I don't think they
"Like that whole universe thingie. What a hoot."
Call: How can you stand being what you are?
"Tall with actual breasts?"
[Ripley and Call bond]
"I'm tempted to die so I can get a head start on spinning in my grave."
[Ripley grabs Johner by the throat and pulls on his tongue]
"Watch your tongue if you like this job."
[Ripley falls into a pit]
"She's being slowly sucked into a giant anus."
"That type of thing happens all the time in France."
[Alien drags a sedate Ripley]
"Maybe this is a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."
[Purvis has a problem]
"Ah... the pain of child birth."
[Purvis whoops Wren's ass]
"I think he's sharing his pain."
[Alien bursts through Purvis' chest and through Wren's head]
"Ding Ding! We have a winner."
Gediman: That is Ripley's gift to her; a human reproductive system
"I'd be pissed if someone gave me puberty."
"I'm pissed that no one gave her birth control pills."
[Queen Alien has a big ole sack attached to her hind quarters]
"Someone needs to change that colostomy bag and QUICK."
[Queen ostensibly goes into labor]
"And breath. In and out. That's wonderful. Now PUUUUUUSH."
[Gediman is really excited]
"This guy really needs to get out more."
[Thing is born]
"That thing's ugly enough to burn the nose hairs off a dead nun."
"It's one of those all body birthmarks you hear about."
"Looks like it fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
Gediman: You are beautiful butterfly
"He's not quite right in the head, you know.."
[Alien thing kills Queen]
"Ungrateful little yuppie larva."
"This is only slightly less sickening than Crossfire."
"It looks and sounds like one of Michael Jackson's sperm."
Gediman: It thinks your his mother
"I often make that mistake."
[It eats Gediman's brain]
"Taste great. Less filling."
[Ripley gets the hell out of there]
"That's the closest thing to common sense anyone has shown thus far."
[Thing does its damnedest to look cute]
"Reminds me of Gary Coleman."
[There is lightning INSIDE the _Betty_]
"My weird shit-o-meter just redlined."
[Creature pops Distephano's head like a grape]
"Looks like cherry pie."
[Ripley gives her baby a huggy poo]
"The resemblance is just uncanny."
[Ripley disciplines her baby by blowing it out into space]
"Ahhh. Clearly from the Joan Crawford school of discipline."
"That was the single hardest blowjob in recorded history."