The Babylon 5 vs. Deep Space Nine FAQ

(Cronan Thompson)

ABOUT THIS FAQ: This FAQ was written after I recieved several hundred heartfelt pleas from Trek and B5 fans alike asking me to bring my stupendous knowledge of everything to this constant debate. I have, being kind *and* benevolent, decided to aquiesce to these never ending requests for peace. I dedicate this FAQ to the tortured souls who have been torn to shreds in this tumultuous exchange.

Part I: Babylon 5 vs. Deep Space Nine

1. Who currently writes Star Trek DS9?

No one. The show has not been written, per se, since the end of the second season. The scripts are churned for season en masse by a group of drugged, lobotomized, chimpanzees all of whom have throughly tested and found to have no knowledge of science fiction whatsoever.

2. Who currently writes Babylon 5?

No one. A secret organization known as the JMS (what these letters stand for, if anything, has been lost in the mists of antiquity) has long been known to control every aspect of every script. Apparently, this organization heads a rather exclusive religion based on the Internet. The specifics remain unknown at this time.

3. Which does God prefer?

She has declined comment as of this FAQ's publication.

4. Is it true that DS9 is ripoff of an idea that this 'JMS' organization presented to Trek's producers?

Absolutely not. DS9 was stolen from a entirely different party completely unrelated to either work.

5. Could Ivannova 'take' Kira in a fight?

No. She would seduce her.

6. Which show has the best acting?

Best implies that the average acting on either is somewhere above mediocre. This is not possible so it the question is moot.

7. Who started this fight?

They did.

8. Why are the fans so diligent in their backhanded comments, rude and disparaging remarks and over all not niceness?

In order to justify their undying allegiance to poorly written shows with second-rate actors and low production values, they must adopt a patently hypocritical attitude allowing their delusions to remain somewhat intact.

9. What about the people who appear to have semi-cogent arguments 'proving' one show is better than the other?

Ignore them.

10. Is this FAQ biased?


11. Which show is better to watch while being castrated?

Babylon 5.

12. What about elective lobotomy?

Deep Space 9.

13. Which characters are 'in the closet'?

Most of them. It is a pretty big closet with pink walls and leather fixtures. What they do in there is none of your business.

14. Why do I hate the other show?

Because you're a small-minded fool with no taste and a small penis. Your mother hates you and now so do I.

15. Wait a minute: Aren't the actors who play Londo (Peter Jurassik) and Odo (Rene Audebejonois) critically acclaimed outside of scifi TV?

No. Those are ugly rumors circulated by evil men and women out to destroy this FAQ long before it existed. This FAQ is to be your soul source of information. It is definitive. Do not argue or you will be silenced.

16. Are Klingons stronger than Narn?

Yes. They smell like lilacs.

17. Who is the worst actor on either show?

You seek parity where none exists. It is scientifically impossible, even for a trained scientician such as myself, to completely separate the dialogue, which was written by people with tin ears, and the acting, which is histrionic at its best.

18. Do small mammals have a preference?

Yes. However, as their official ambassador to humankind, I can tell you that they choose to remain neutral in spite of their clear leanings.

19. Which show has caused more technical advisors to commit suicide?

Three for B5 and 12 for DS9. Of course it is well known that the JMS organization keeps all its advisors heavily medicated and away from sharp objects.

20. Why should I keep watching these shows if they are as you imply?

Beats the hell out of me!

21. Is it dangerous to look into the powers responsible for these solecisms?

Yes. The last person to research the JMS group ended up as a moderator at after a thorough brainwashing.

22. Can they pick up on my thoughts?

Only if you watch the shows

23. Can non-subjective words be written on this subject?

Yes, but only three people were capable of it and I had them killed

Part II: USS Defiant vs. White Star

24. Which was ripped off the Defiant or the White Star?

Neither. Since they clearly represent Sisko and Sheridan's respective endowments it is fair to say that they both have little staying power and shoot their load far to quickly for their partner in the engagement to get theirs off.

25. How will I live without this issue to argue mindlessly over?

You won't. I find drowning to be the least painful method to euthanize one's self. If you enjoy pain, however, going naked down a hot slide full of razor blades into a pool of alcohol is recommended.

26. Is it possible that not thinking will enhance the enjoyment of these shows?

Most of the time. Unfortunately, in highly developed minds, such as that of the FAQ's maintainer, the off switch has been permanently disabled.

27. Are the rumors true that these shows might improve?

Those have been circulating for years and have never shown themselves to be based upon anything but idle speculation by delusional philosophy majors. While it is a well known fact that anyone who majors in said field is already somewhat delusional, Babylon 5 and Deep Space 9 have been known to push them over the edge.

28. E = mc^2

Only in your little world.

29. Who is this Rick Berman chap I hear so much about?

A once good man who lost his way.

30. Is it reasonable to say that, IMHO, one show is better than another?

No. Your opinion is invalid because it did not come from this FAQ. This FAQ says they both, in the vernacular of the day, suck the big greasy one. This FAQ *may* disagree with reality, but this is because reality cannot read.

31. Will I be judged harshly for enjoying either of these shows consistently?

No. However, in accordance with FCC regulations, you must be rendered sterile by a government approved method. All of your children and all of your immediate relatives must submit to either re-education or death by acidic enema in addition to all of your assets being seized.

32. What should I do if after reading this FAQ I still like either show?

Be prepared for a visit from my friend, Uncle Vito.

33. Can I go back to my previous state of ignorance?

Yes. Merely watch an episode of Star Trek: Voyager. This will effectively kill all the cells responsible for higher brain functions preventing you from thinking. You will also be able to enjoy B5 or DS9 afterwards.

Part III: Mini-FAQ About the FAQ's Author

1. Who are you?

Plain and Simple Cronan.

2. Are you God?

No. I am *a* god, not *the* god. The god is a fat, black, lesbian, midget named Delilah who currently resides Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

3. How did you get so smart?

Large numbers of enemas laced with Prozac.

4. Why have you graced us with your presence?

I have deemed you worthy.

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