A Future History of Whoop Ass

(Cronan Thompson)

Friends, I was watching Babylon 5's "Interludes and Examinations" tonight and realized that B5 has several distinct versions of WHOOP ASS (pronounced WHO OOP AZZ).

Needless to say each race has it's own brand of Whoop Ass but we will only cover the major ones:

The number one kind of whoop ass is that served up by the Vorlons. It's a very special. Vorlon Brand Whoop AssTM is the most powerful kind. It not only comes in calamari flavor but can be mixed with Minbari Brand Whoop AssTM to produce White Star Brand Whoop AssTM (as demonstrated in "A View From the Gallery"). It's slightly inferior to pure Vorlon Brand
whoop ass but exists in greater quantities.

Almost equal to Vorlon Brand Whoop AssTM is Shadow Brand Whoop AssTM. Were it not for their weakness against peepers, they'd be number one, but since they run away from Bester (owner of the copyright on PsiCorp Brand Whoop AssTM) they cannot possibly be number 1. Shadow Brand Whoop AssTM was once mixed with Earth Brand Whoop AssTM to create something slightly inferior to White Star Brand Whoop AssTM but still quite effective on it's own.

Number three on the scale of Whoop Ass is First One/Lorien Brand Whoop AssTM. Extremely rare and seen only once ("Into the Fire") it is still quite impressive and has neato lights all over it.

Minbari Brand Whoop AssTM, probably the most powerful brand of Whoop Ass still available, is often mislabeled as Delenn Brand Whoop AssTM primarily because it is canned in the same factory. While Delenn's brand is often the blasting cap that ignites Minbari BrandTM, they are distinct and separate. Notice too that Delenn also controls, along with Sheridan (owner of a compeltely different can of Whoop Ass), White Star Brand Whoop AssTM, a spinoff product of Minbari/Vorlon Brand Whoop AssTM.

Needless to say that Earth, Narn and Centauri Brands of Whoop Ass vary wildly in power depending upon the size of the can opened up.

Individual characters are also possessed of portable cans of Whoop Ass. My personal favorite is Garabaldi's Homemade Porta-Whoop AssTM. Quite effective when used properly. Capable of handing Crazed Vorlons and multiple opponents (alien or not) ("Confessions and Lamentations", "Survivors"), it is inexplicably ineffective against Lochley Supermodel-in-a-Can Whoop AssTM ("Strange Relations").

Following directly behind Da G-man's Whoop Ass in the great Whoop Ass Pantheon of B5 is Ivannova's Spicy Whoop AssTM. Served up lotsa times ("Severed Dreams", "Between the Darkness and the Light"), it is always warm but extremely expensive. After that would have to come Sinclair and Valenn's Ancient Whoop AssTM. Versatile to the point of self-transmogrification ("War Without End" parts 1 & 2) and capable of amazing things against evil raiders ("Signs and Portents"), this kind of Whoop Ass has been officially discontinued in favor of Sheridan's KICK ASS Whoop AssTM (every episode since "Matters of Honor"). This all too common brand is the Spam of the B5 universe. It is currently being mixed with Delenn's Prozac-laced Whoop AssTM, which is prone to psychotic rages involving genocide ("In the Beginning") and bad tactical decisions ("The Paragon of Animals").

Londo's Imperial Whoop AssTM is pretty much predestined to kill you. G'kar's Narn Whoop AssTM is pretty hard to swallow and pretty freaky on the whole. Luckily this is counter balanced by the least interesting kind of whoop ass on the station, Zack's Greased Whoop AssTM. Well, Lyta and Byron are really users of Peeped Whoop AssTM and as such don't qualify as real owners of Whoop Ass. Peeped Whoop AssTM apparently leaves your nipples permanently erect.

...I scare myself on Tuesdays and Thursdays
...Wednesday is B5 and South Park Day
...On Mondays, Saturdays and Sunday's I scare other people

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