Things I Will Do Should I
Become a Starfleet Captain

(Cronan Thompson)

With Peter's Evil Overlord List and John and Linda's Heros List, I see no alternative but to form a third list (this one) for the one position in the known universe that encompasses both.

1) When I encounter an alien race that is kind beautiful and appears to want to have sex with my crew I will immediately bombard their planet as torpedos as can be spared. They are clearly out to get me in for some bizzare reason that should have been apparent long ago.

2) In a combat situation in which I am hopelessly outnumbered I will have my cloaked ships open fire so that several crew members don't die as my ship's consoles explode.

3) If I am warned by an evil power's representitive that invasion is imminent I will kill them where they stand, take their ship and continue doing what I was doing before.

4) Any ship that refuses to answer my hails then fires on me is to be destroyed. If they attempt to hail me after I have disabled their ship I will not respond. It is a trick.

5) Most ships that answer my hails will be destroyed. They are more than likely out to get me as well.

6) If my first officer is having personal problems I will not repeatedly ask him if I can do anything then, when he tells me, say, "That's just one of those things, ya' know?"

7) After activating the self destruct I will not need to be reminded by the computer that it is still running. I will remember such minor details.

8) If, for some undreamt of reason, my ship is taken and I must destroy it, I will make it my business not to rely on the computer that just last week tried to kill me.

9) None of the children on my ship/station will be forced to do useless things like go to school. Instead they will be put in tactical and command positions since they show more creativity and genius than the people currently manning those positions.

10) I will not deny requests to buy members of my crew. I need the money, and the ones aliens want to buy are useless anyway.

11) When an admiral comes onboard I will immediately shoot him then make a speech about loyalty and human nature when asked why. It saves time.

12) After having my ship scanned by any alien race I will immediately check the computer (particularly on the holodecks). It usually goes insane after being scanned.

13) After a high ranking villian has defected I will erase all their programs. Especially the hidden ones marked KILL CREWMEMBERS PAINFULLY IN HOLODECK HYJINX.

14) I will gladly die for my crew knowing that this will inspire gads of loyalty and the birth of some magnificent new technology that is sure to make us all immortal.

15) After using said technology I will keep it and retire from starfleet, becoming rich off the proceeds from this fabulous machine.

16) If there is any kind of unusual readings from ANYWHERE inside or outside of the ship my transporter officer will the be first, not the last, to know.

17) Phasers have a widebeam setting. This will be written in large letters on every phaser. Any security guard who does not know this and is overwhelmed by unarmed midgets with bad hair will be promptly shot.

18) All aliens will be beamed aboard without clothing. They have the nastiest habit of carrying concealed weapons my transporter can't detect.

19) When robot zombies are running rampant through my ship, I will attempt to use some of the low tech weapons that have killed them so well in the past.

20) Any invading force will be surprised when they takeover my ship and find that I surrender quickly. They will be so surprised that my one-crew-member-they-always-miss will have no trouble sneaking up behind their leader.

21) Honor is for people who have never heard of that death thing. I will avoid all races that seem to believe it should have anything to do with my ship.

22) Crewmembers with a special talent (telepathy, incredible strength, speed or computing ability) will be called upon in the area in which they excel. I will not ask my walking computer to read the minds of my enemy for they are likely to be wrong.

23) Any being that whose teeth do not fit in its mouth will be given great leeway in the murder of my crewmembers. They should have known better.

24) My countdowns to fire will always end at 3, confusing the hell out of enemy and forcing them to spend useless man hours recalibrating their universal translator.

25) I will not visit starfleet command. There is something in the water there that has driven all of my former friends in the admirality nuts at one point or another.

26) When I am stuck in precisely the same situation this week that I was last week I will not instruct my engineer to come up with a convoluted plan; instead I will use the solution that worked so well last week.

27) Priceless artifacts are to be sold immediately. They have a nasty habit of causing trouble.

28) The Federation, although a great organization on paper, will not be held above the heads of dying primitves races as what they should have been like. Afterall, it has been in more armed conflicts than the surly Klingon Empire.

29) Since primitive races are apparently prone to develop the technology to implant silicone into breasts before they actually develop a system of writing, I will not do a long comprehensive study, involving the death and capture of my crewmen, before giving them an FF.

30) When a rather attractive god-like being wants my body as a wager I will gladly submit.

31) If my ship is a powerful warship of some repute, I will not hesitate to brag about this at every opportunity.

32) All precocious yunguns will be shot on sight. They usually attract all kinds of trouble.

33) If powerful godlike aliens think me really special I will ask them for a favors at every opportunity.

Return to Online Tribute to Cronan Thompson.