MSTing Clinton's Confession

(Cronan Thompson)

From:         "Plain and Simple Cronan" <>
Subject:      MiSTing Clinton's Confession
Date:         1998/08/19
Message-ID:   <6rdohq$m7l$>
Organization: If only you knew
              alt.politics.jaffo, alt.politics.kibo,,
    , rec.humor

[The scene opens with Mike, Crow and Tom sitting on the bridge of the SOL,
they have 5 televisions one set to CNN, another MSNBC, the others to ABC, NBC
and CBS respectively. Pictures of Clinton and Lewinski are on all five
stations. Mike, his hair disheveled and eyes bloodshot, and Crow, his little
golden net thing at a 45 degree angle to how it should be, are pulling back
and forth on a universal remote with a gazillion buttons. Tom is sputtering
out what seems to be prayer whilst rocking back and forth slowly, captivated
by the screens.]

TOM: Please, please, please! For the love of GOD! Stop!
MIKE: [pulls] Give me the remote!
CROW: [yanks] I'll find the mute button!
MIKE: [pulls harder] I'll find it faster!
TOM: [sobs] What's the use? It just keeps going and going and going...
there's no stopping them!

[Just when it looks as though our heroes may finally have been vanquished,
Gypsy comes in and, out of her mouth flies a small missile, vaporizing the TVs
leaving nothing at all. They break into cheers after a moment of stunned

CROW: Why didn't I think of that? Shutting it off. What a concept.
GYPSY: No problem, glad I could help

[Gypsy leaves with a small trail of smoke following behind her]

TOM: [begins to shake his head like he's coming out of a deep sleep] Man. I
don't think I could have handled one more minute of Gretta Van
CROW: Chris Matthew's head scares me. It's gotta weigh 300 lbs
MIKE: And he won't stop throwing it around. It's like George Clooney crossed
with a cabbage patch kid.
TOM: [still shaking]: And Geraldo

[All of them shudder at His mention]

MIKE: And their numbers are astounding. They must be bred in industrial
CROW: There seem more lawyers currently on TV than have existed in all
history prior to this year
MIKE: And they all look like they're on meth-amphetamines.
TOM: [shakes head] It's beyond weird. How can so many people be so excited
about possibility of someone else MAYBE having received oral sex?
CROW: [getting excited] And they always go to Wolf Blitzer. He's just
standing there, outside of the White House. Like where he is somehow
negates the silliness of his name! It's insanity SHEER MADNESS!

[Mike looks on, in growing dismay, as their rage feeds of itself back and
forth, back and forth]

TOM: [approaching a fever pitch] If one more self-righteous, slack-jawed
lawyer on CNN at 4:00 am gives advice to the president of the United
States of America on how to handle his women...
CROW: [near yelling] Some of them are even worse than lawyers, they're just
law professors who haven't so much as seen a courtroom since Disco was
TOM: [froth is forming in his head] And then they bring out the special
communications consultant to tell us who is lying!? It doesn't make
any sense, I tell you. It's like we're watching lawyer porno!
CROW: [his head begins to slowly rotate] There are bombings all over the
world, nuclear weapons tests failing peace treaties... even sales at
Wal-Mart that are more important
TOM: [his head is leaking white foam] But after they report the important
stuff they go over the same points made 20 minutes ago before the next
show starts and makes the same points over again!

[They experience a collective shudder during which the deep, abiding loathing
for lawyers, cable news networks and Geraldo (in no particular order) passes
through their systems]

MIKE: Wow. I feel so much better now!
TOM: [sounding almost chipper] Yeah. Now that I've vented I think I can
handle anything
CROW: I feel stronger somehow. Pearl may have very well done us a favor!
MIKE: Lucky thing I got Gypsy that miniature Patriot Missile at the rummage
sale last week. That too

[Mike rights Crow's net, fixes his own hair with his hands and presses a
button on Servo's chest, emptying all the foam from his head in one gush]

TOM: Can we please talk about something, anything else?
MIKE: Sure. Anything in particular?
TOM: I hear there's a new _Highlander_ series coming out...
MIKE: Yeah, with a female immortal.
CROW: [excitedly] It's gonna star that former Ms. America, Elizabeth
Grace... errrr
TOM: NO!! [starts to shake again, looks at Mike and Crow] It's everywhere.
Don't you see? Unless we stop it we'll end up sleeping with Clinton
too! Someone's got to stop it! And that someone is me!

[Tom exits quickly]

MIKE: Where do you suppose he's going?
CROW: Dunno. Think we should be worried?
MIKE: Nah. He'll work it out somehow..

[Loud banging accompanied by mumbling and what sounds like an oxy-acetylene

MIKE: On the other hand...

[light flashes]

[Pearl is in the VW, hovering directly over what appears to be the Capital
Building in Washington D.C., no one seems to notice]

MIKE: Just wanted to let you know Pearl, you can skip this week's
experiment. We've been hardened against anything and everything.
CROW: After 13 hours of CNN and MSNBC plus the morning shows on all three
networks, no movie, fanfic or posting could hope to break us...

[The top of Tom's head can be seen moving back and forth in the background;
he's carrying various weapons among which are some that look suspiciously like
50 caliber machine guns, the odd samurai sword, big metallic eggs with
radiation or biohazard symbols on them and few others with pictures of Kathie
Lee. Mike and Crow forget are looking directly into Cambot boasting about their
new resiliency, Tom goes unnoticed]

CROW: [proudly]] We're now perfectly qualified to take the Bar Exam in 13

[We hear a faint laugh in the background that might be Tom's along with the
torch getting louder]

MIKE: What movie could have characters less appealing than Al Gore and Linda

PEARL: Boys, you have so little faith in me it's almost insulting. I wanted
you hardened as my control group. I've found something so ponderous
and dull, so trite and lifeless, so emotionally repugnant... You'll
worship me simply for making it as short as it is!

MIKE: [gulps] You don't mean...
CROW: Not even she would...

PEARL: Oh yes, I would. 4 minutes that feels like 400. More bullshit per line
than Windows 98! Bill Clinton comes clean!

[Crow and Mike look at one another. Mike crosses himself, starts counting
Rosary beads. Crow begins praying at a coincidentally placed Buddha
wearing the Star of David. Tom can be heard giggling maniacally in the

[Red, white and blue lights flash while "Hail to the Chief" plays]
Mike: Oh no. We've got.... [meaningful pause] Clinton sign!

[Door sequence]

> Good evening.

CROW: For Starr, maybe.

> This afternoon in this room, from this chair,

CROW: [as Clinton] Got some got me tail!

> I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

MIKE: [as Clinton] During which time I've been reasonably assured by my
people that I can categorically deny that anything involving an
orgasm occurred

> I answered their questions truthfully,

[Tom enters and takes his seat]
TOM: A wholly new experience, I'm sure.
MIKE: What were you up to, Tom?
TOM: When the time is right and not before
MIKE: I see your home-study Enigmatic Courses are paying off

> including questions about my private life,

CROW: Even thinking about his private life makes me want to question life
in general

> questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

MIKE: At least not truthfully.
TOM: Clearly someone who's never watched _Jerry Springer_

> Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public
> and private.

TOM: Which are more times than not the same thing.

> And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

CROW: To cover my ass with Teflon and Kevlar
MIKE: Let's at least give him a chance
& TOM: NO!

> As you know,

CROW: [as Clinton] I'm as horny as a billy goat with half the discretion

> in a deposition in January,

MIKE: Note that he didn't say which January in which century leaving him
a clear loophole

> I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

TOM: [as Clinton] Needless to say I was so aroused I couldn't continue

> While my answers were legally accurate,

CROW: They lacked that certain finesse only lies can give..

> I did not volunteer information.

CROW: He even has draft dodging information. Color me impressed
MIKE: Why not simply blame the information for not volunteering itself?

> Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not
> appropriate.

CROW: And you've hidden it SO well.
TOM: [as Clinton] We had sex. The really dirty kind.

> In fact, it was wrong.

MIKE: As is all sex with Miss Lewinsky.

> It constituted a critical lapse in judgment

TOM: Occurring on 37 separate occasions...
CROW: ...over a period of 18 months
MIKE: Hey, if you're going to lapse, you might as well make it a biggin'

> and a personal failure on my part

MIKE: To have her silenced in time.

> for which I am solely and completely responsible.

CROW: [feigning shock] You? The President? Responsible? For your own
actions!? Whoa. Who saw that one coming?

> But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now

MIKE: 'Gimme a second, I'll think of something'
CROW: 'Wilt Chamberlain was an amateur!'

> that at no time did I ask anyone to lie,

TOM: Which would seem a big mistake, in retrospect

> to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

MIKE: Hey, you've told us the truth so far, why wouldn't we believe you?

> I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a
> false impression.

TOM: [as Clinton] The implication that I ever tell the truth has hopefully
been forever dispelled.

> I misled people, including even my wife.

TOM: Curiously, that would make her the only one misled at all.
MIKE: Of course because that misleading took the form of bald face might
have furthered those false impressions

> I deeply regret that.

TOM: We all do, Bill. We all do.

> I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors.

CROW: A perpetually raging hard on was but one among many

> First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own
> conduct.

MIKE: And we *feel* your shame.

> I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

TOM: [sneers] From everything but venereal diseases.
MIKE: [as Clinton] Thankfully they have as little shame as I

> The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired
> lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

CROW: So, he hoped to de-politicize it by volunteering a lie on national
MIKE: If you watched more PBS you'd understand

> In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel
> investigation

TOM: Believing the truth is out there

> that began with private business dealings 20 years ago,

CROW: And has since come to include politics and sex
TOM: Making it perfect for the next Jackie Collins novel

> ... dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found
> no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

MIKE: Which federal agency is independent of the Presidency?
TOM: Must have missed that section of the constitution

> The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends then
> into my private life.

CROW: [as Clinton] Luckily, I misled them as well

> And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

CROW: [Stan] "The truth has plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must
end it."
TOM: "He's taken the responsibility... and hurled it at Ken Starr."

> This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

CROW: How many people can say that about their genitals on national

> Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most

CROW: [as Clinton] Myself and I.

> My wife and our daughter.

TOM: Kinky.
MIKE: Sounds like a good ole fashion Arkansas threesome to me.
CROW: Do I want to know how you came to be in possession of that

> and our God.

CROW: Sex between two people can be a beautiful thing but sex between four
people... mmm mmm!
MIKE: And when one of them is God, well...
TOM: [announcer] God's spokesperson has released a statement denying ever
having had any 'inappropriate relationship' Bill, Hillary or Chelsea
CROW: [announcer] Satan immediately made a pre-emptive counter-statement
with only five words, "Don't look at me, either."

> I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

MIKE: Save tell the truth.
TOM: Let's not be unreasonable

> Nothing is more important to me personally.

CROW: Have you forsaken the almighty Twinkie, Bill?

> But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family.

MIKE: I believe Lewinski pawned it

> It's nobody's business but ours.

TOM: And the Grand Jury, the Independent Council, the House Judiciary
Committee, Monica..

> Even presidents have private lives.

CROW: Most have had this thing called discretion, however
MIKE: The rest had a modicum of taste.

> It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and

TOM: Begin pursuing abstract destruction

> the prying into private lives and get on with our national life.
[strange pause]

MIKE: We interrupt this announcement to increase dramatic tension.

> Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long,

CROW: So millions of Iraqis will have to die.

> and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this.

TOM: [as Clinton] All I wanted was a little blowjob, is that too much to
ask for the leader of the free world?
CROW: I bet Saddam gets mucho ass

> That is all I can do.

TOM: [as Clinton] Other than the destruction of my competitors by bashing
their heads in with blunt objects and feasting on their gooey insides
MIKE: What is this surprise you've got for us?
TOM: Oh you shall see

> Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.

MIKE: To women who don't talk so much

> We have important work to do

CROW: And interns to fondle.
TOM: Too easy, wouldn't you say?

> -- real opportunities to seize,

MIKE: Among other things

> real problems to solve,

TOM: Real lies to tell.
CROW: Oh and that was *much* better

> real security matters to face.

CROW: Cub scouts - the enemy within.

> And so tonight,

MIKE: I look forward to a rousing spanking from Hillary

> I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months,

CROW: And look forward to the production number sure to accompany my

> to repair the fabric of our national discourse,

TOM: [as Clinton] I intend to avoid all extra-marital intercourse

> and to return our attention to all the challenges

MIKE: Such as finding women who don't bear a striking resemblance to
CROW: Leave us not forget the horrible threat posed by the evil
cigarette cartels
TOM: With the rise in nicotine fiends mugging little old ladies
who could forget?

> and all the promise of the next American century.

TOM: Therefore, since I cannot prove a leader, I am determined to
prove a lover.
CROW: When you start going Shakespearean, I worry
MIKE: As should we all

[Tom rushes out]

> Thank you for watching. And good night.

CROW: That story had it all - lies, sex, and God.
MIKE: I love it when national policy is settled in the infomerical

[Exit Door Sequence]

CROW: We made it, Mike. Through four minutes of the worst, most vapid,
pointless speech in the history of specifying.
MIKE: It's as though the White House brought JMS to consult on their
TOM: Guys, [raises voice] Gypsy, Cambot, even you Pearl

[switch pearl pouring over a spreadsheet]

PEARL: [Grumbling] Yeah, whatever. [mumbles] MY calculations were perfect.
It must have been Bobo's fault

[Back to the SOL, Gypsy arrives]

GYPSY: I'm here Tom.
TOM: Thanks Gyps

[Mike, Crow, Gypsy and even Pearl look closely at what Tom's built. It appears
to be an amalgam of every weapon's cliché ever welded and stuck together with
duct tape, wood glue and several unidentifiable substances]

TOM: What do you think?

[They continue to stare in awe at whatever it is until finally]

GYPSY: What IS *it*?
TOM: It's the world's first completely automated L.A.D.Y.
MIKE: You can get those in catalogues for...
TOM: No, you poor naive fool. It's an ell ay dee why. Lawyer Attack and
Dissolving Yagi.
CROW: What's a Yagi?
TOM: Sheesh. Don't you know anything? [mechanically] It's a highly
directional and selective shortwave antenna consisting of a
horizontal conductor of one or two dipoles connected with the
receiver or transmitter and of a set of nearly equal insulated
dipoles parallel to and on a level with the horizontal conductor.
CROW: Huh?
TOM: I made it up and found it was real word, okay?
ALL: Oh!
MIKE: What does it do?
TOM: [Tom manages an evil grin which is fairly impressive considering he
doesn't have lips or eyes] Hunts for and eviscerates televised
lawyers and politicians.

[Gasps all around]

CROW: Brilliant. How do you turn it on?

[Tom stops dead]

CROW: Well?
TOM: Hold it! Hold it! Gimme a second
MIKE: You forgot to add an 'on' switch again, didn't you?
TOM: [flustered] I was busy with the science stuff, okay? Do you have any
idea how difficult it is to create a homing device that seeks out the
Lawyer Gene Cluster? Let alone distinguishing between the LGCs that
are dormant and those that lead to politics or television consulting?
Hard damn work! We won't even go into the trouble I had keeping it away
from accountants! [Tom is breathing heavily]
MIKE: I'm just saying that maybe you should have...
TOM: Just shut up, all right?

[Pearl is beating carpet bombing the Capital building, we can see Bobo tied up
on the floor wiggling with a gag in his mouth made from the spreadsheet Pearl
was studying before.]

PEARL: This'll teach 'em to mess with *my* plans

[All the congressmen are pointedly ignoring her in an attempt to avoid a sexual
harassment suit]

MIKE: Well, we'll see you soon if the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy doesn't
get us first...
TOM: [leaning in from the side, doing his best to sound spooky] And all
you lawyers our there beware, beware, BEWARE! As soon as I design
and install the 'on' (and hopefully an 'off') switch you're all
doomed. Stay away from CNN if you want to survive!

[picture blinks out with Servo laughing crazily]

...well, I enjoyed it

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