Cronan's Quotes of Wisdom

Since all wisdom in the universe stems from me, these are all things other people have said while possessed of my spirit. Most come from books, television and movies but a select few come from the paragon of wisdom: the Usenet.

  1. "History does not record at any time a religion that has a rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive a considerable pleasure from fiddling with it." - The Notebook of Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love by Robert A. Heinlein
  2. "I'm always getting screwed by the system. That's my lot in life: I'm the system's bitch." - Drew Carey, The Drew Carey Show
  3. "I got so many lawyers lining up to see me you'd think that I had tobacco leaking from my breast implants" - NewsRadio
  4. "Well, you know. You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass and you'll be all like, "HEY GET OUT MY ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS!'" - Eric Cartman, South Park
  5. "I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane." - O'Brien, 1984 by George Orwell
  6. "And isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony, anyway?  I mean, all you get is one trick, rational thinking.  But when you're good and crazy, wah hoo hoo hoo, the sky's the limit!" - The Tick, The Tick
  7. "Although any web page that promises to make me "squeal" is one I want to avoid in the first place." - Captain Infinity
  8. Well, you know...  You'll be walking along, minding your own business and suddenly they'll drop out of the trees, drag you behind a bush, and pull down your pants until you yell out, "Hey!  You gargoyles!  Stop touching my nuts!!" - Eric Cartman, Rocky Horror South Park Show by Arthur Levesque
  9. "I am here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum." - John Carpenter's They Live.
  10. "Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth." - The Notebook of Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love by Robert A. Heinlein
  11. "Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance." - William Gaddis, Carpenter's Gothic
  12. Only a Hollywood wannabe such as yourself would consider it some great honor to have "Hollywood knocking at your door." I, myself, would be horrified to find "Hollywood" on the phone - to say nothing of standing on my porch. - Scott Stafford
  13. When I read that passage, I thought to myself: "What a terrific idea!" So I went to the movies this weekend with a .32 caliber revolver in a shoulder holster.  And a cyanide capsule hidden away in an extra tooth.  And a Sinclair molecular chain in my shirt collar, and a .22 gun in my pocket for fun, and a razor in my shoe.  And, just in case, I took a tomato.  I'm allergic to tomatoes. - David Hines
  14. "Cuz if you don't I won't sleep with you..." - Megan
  15. "If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch." The Christian Bible, Matthew 15:14
  16. "Let me get this straight: you have an invisible elf, had your wallet stolen my midget ninja lesbians and drive a Ford Escort at 100 + miles per hour and you still lay claim to sanity?" - Lee
  17. "Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the feelings of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of unspiritual conditions. It is the opium of the people." - Karl Marx
  18. "I am on a power trip and you're all coming with me!" - El Seed, The Tick
  19. "What's that I smell? A heapin' can of fresh whop ass?" - Overheard during Scream 2
  20. "Every tool is a tool." - Eric, Fireplace Installation Guy
  21. "A Christian is a man who feels
    Repentance on a Sunday
    For what he did on Saturday
    And is going to do on Monday." - Thomas Russell Ybarra
  22. "The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried." - G.K. Chesterton, What's Wrong with the World
  23. "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein, On Science
  24. "Did anyone catch the Kathy Lee and Regis show (on Christmas day?) which featured [1] Hanson, [2] The Spice Girls, [3] Barney The Dinosaur, and [4] Kathy Lee and Regis?  I was foaming at the mouth frustrated that no bombing attempt was made on the show's set. Certainly, nearly all the wrongs of 1997 could be remedied in one fell swoop of pyrotechnic justice swiftly dealt to that collection of evil nemesii.  Anyone who happened to watch that show on a WebTV was probably struck dumb and blind." - Brian "JARAI" Chase
  25. "Everyone knows what you're trying to say, they just sometimes elect to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were trying to say something intelligent instead." - T McDonald
  26. "Thank you Mr. Floor for being so comfortable." - Eric
  27. "Shit man, I'm a natural born killer." - Mickey Knox, Natural Born Killers
  28. "1997 began within seconds of the end of 1996." James "Kibo" Parry
  29. "Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive"
    "Well what's wrong with the dog?"
    "It's simple. He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. And I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good or there to stay. Wouldn't you agree?" - The Long Kiss Goodnight
  30. "Sir, are you classified as human?"
    "Negative. I'm a meat popsicle." - Korben Dallas, The Fifth Element
  31. "Genetic Engineering lets us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes.. like German people." - Mr. Garrison thru Mr. Hat, South Park
  32. "I don't really come from outer space... It is a condition of mental divergence. I find myself on the planet Ogo, part of an intellectual elite, planning to subjugate the barbarian hordes of Pluto. But even though this is a totally convincing reality for me in every way, nevertheless Ogo is a construct of my psyche I am mentally divergent in that I am escaping certain unnamed realities that plague my life here. When I stop going there I will be well. Are you also divergent, friend?" - LJ Washington, Twelve Monkeys
  33. "...Men are from Mars, Women are from The Mad Spaces Between The Stars Where Man Was Not Meant To Seek" - Joseph Michael Bay
  34. "Ya know, there is a thought in computer programming... if all your program does is nothing to change any part of the system by the time it is complete then it can easily be replaced by no lines of code at all and still accomplish the same task." - Michael Johnson
  35. ....I broke out in this weird purple rash and for two weeks everything tasted like mustard. That's why I am allergic to polyester." - unknown

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