Cronan's Introduction

(Cronan Thompson)

Today I am going to introduce myself. Here goes a breif overveiw of my take on life, the universe, and everything.

First of all there is my family. It is very hard to be "normal" when your house is a giant sitcom waiting to happen. Me, my mother, my 2 brothers, my sister, and our 2 foster children occupy my home most of the time. I say most of the time because the population has a tendancy to jump up to 12 when my brothers and sister have friends over. Well, to be fair there are really 15 if you count both dogs and the cat, who think they are human anyway. The cat looks suspiciously like a dog and is quite fond of drinking the milk out of your cereal bowl in midspoonful. Our dogs have been known to force there way into the car and refuse to get out until you take them somewhere (preferably with a drive-thru). Every meal requires intricate negotiations with my mom as to what I am willing to pay. My grandmother, who lived with us until recently, is Jamaican. She is almost entirly positive that everything Jamaican is 5-10 times the size of its American counterpart. For example, she is constantly regailing me with facts about the size of Jamaican shrimp which, by her accounts, can feed a family of 6 each. Then there are my brothers, who believe wholeheartedly that Star Trek is evil and MTV is the only source of true knowledge in the universe. My sister has gotten over Barney and the Power Rangers only to decide that she is queen god of the galaxy.

Then there is religion. I find religion an interesting concept but not one to live by. I just really can't get in to this worship of an almighty being stuff. Not only that, but for the most part it is dull. There are only so many times that you can hear about this big flood and a floating zoo and have it be interesting. And if there is a God, he is either on vacation or having a really long nap, 'cause he sure hasn't made an appearance anytime recently.

Then there is life in general. Life never fails to get me down because of how much of it other people ignore. Here are some examples of the things that either piss me off or get me laughing until I see how incredibly sad they are. Natural disasters, for example, although incredibly distructive, are source of never ending humor for me. For example: Every year, tornado season in the Midwestern United States causes a terrible loss of property and life. But year after year on television they have the same group of people they had last year. You know the ones, they married thier sister and have a collection of spray cheese containers, walking around in their destroyed trailer park and looking dumb founded with a finger lodged five to six inches into some orifice, even though the exact same thing has been happening for the last 15 years. Then there are the flood "victims". These people get a 20 room, 5000sq. ft. house for five dollars, and then when it floods, are incredulous at the sight of their home sinking beneath the waves.

I have solved the reason why men and women don't get along. It has to do with the basic wants. In women, the basic want is to find one man to satisfy her every want and need. Whereas in men, it is to get every women to satisfy his one want and need.

I am depressed even when I am happy. This is because I am convinced that somewhere else, someone is doing the exact same thing I am and having a lot more fun. For example, when I am watching a sitcom, no matter how much I enjoy it, someone else is laughing hystertically at it. Now you see why I am sooooo depressed. PS: This thought probably made you happy but I am still depressed, so you had a better time thinking it than I did. I told you so.

37. Always wear clean underwear when beaming aboard an alien mothership.

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