I Want To Be Your Next Federation President

(Cronan Thompson)

I hereby announce my campaign for President of these United Planets. Using my impeccable reputation as a starting point, I am going to impose sweeping reform in all branches of the UFP. But don't think that this will be a smear campaign; not from this candidate. I could talk about my opponent's 12 illegitmate children on Risa... but I won't. Even though I have pictures, sounds and videos (plus a really nifty holo that gets a really neat angle on a postion thought impossible for humanoids), this is not going to be that type of campaign. To show that I am a candidate of the issues, for the issues and by the issues I will discuss one of my major reforms to the Federation's Defensive and Exploratory arm: Starfleet.

Starfleet has many problems. We are continually losing ships to simple things like crew members exploding due to lack of bathrooms. So far 3 of the new Toilet-class heavy restrooms have been sent out to help these beleaguered and almost unsalvagable ships, but this is not enough. My first order as your Emperor...errrrrr, President would be to insure there is one bathroom in every ship of more than 1000 beings. My second act to prevent the loss of so many ships would be rename them all Enterprise and make sure that they are crewed with children and fools. Since, as the old saying goes, fate protects those three things, they should be unbeatable.

My next reform would be to Federation Science. Since, over the last ten years, they have failed consistently to apply newly recovered alien versions of Federation technology once it is dumped in its lap. My understanding is that the one exception is that they took a "phasing" cloak that is superior to anything the Romulans or Klingons had, and made a Talarian Brandy sifter. Although the beverage was found to have the remarkable propertiey of improving the looks of beings of the opposite sex of the drinker, it was still deemed a failure, due the number of liver regenerations nessecary to improve said physical attributes to an acceptable level for mating of any kind.

The last improvement I am going to mention today is to Federation Aesthetics and Art Council. Appearently most members were appointed during the peace with the Klingons. I think it is unanimous that it was poor judgement, both in an aesthetic and artistic sense, to have Zefram Cochrane's entire 250th birthday holo take place in his favorite place, between the twelve breasts of an Oriviem Limbst. Needless to say I would replace most of them.

Who will support my campaign? Better yet, who will be my vice president?

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