Flame Wars XI: The Empire Kicks Back

(Cronan Thompson)

From:         "Plain and Simple Cronan" <cronan@DeathsDoor.com>
Subject:      The Empire Kicks Back
Date:         27 May 1998 00:00:00 GMT
Organization: Wierd
Message-ID:   <6ki398$310$1@camel0.mindspring.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.fan.bam,alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.tv.babylon-5,alt.tv.star-trek.ds9,

                             It is a dark time
                           for Timothy Jones and
                        Trekkies everywhere as they
                       consistently defeated by Star
                      Wars, B5 and Little House on the
                    Prairie fans. A small band of heroic
                   posters are growing closer to his Evil
                  Brain with every single post. KPS ATTACK!

Flame Wars Chapter XI: The Empire Kicks Back

[We open to a shot of the White Star firing all weapons at Timothy Jones]

Timothy: You can't hurt me. All you of Babylon 5 are morons!

Sheridan: God damn it, Delenn. What say the prophecies of Valenn about this?

Delenn[who is still tripping on dry ice fumes from _Atonement_]: Hehe. You
said prophecies![Delenn falls over on the floor giggling]

Sheridan: Reverse thrust, take us out of here

Timothy Jones: Watch as I invert the tachyon dyconomatrix's polarization

[Everyone on the White Star screams]

Marcus: ARRRRRGE He's technobabbled me back to life and transported me here.
And look. My accent's gone

[Out of nowhere comes Capt. Infinity and Cronan. They appear as through from
everywhere carrying giant Troll Cannons of Justice]


Cronan: SPOON!

[Cronan's cannon, being much newer and bigger than Infinity's (IYKWIM) lets
loose a frightening barrage of really purdy words]

Podkayne Fries: Cronan, you use your mouth purdier than a 20 dollar whore

Franklin Hummel: And he's just so damn CUTE

[Infinity has by now decoyed Jones away using a complex bait and switch
trolling technique that all Peeps are taught moments before birth]

Infinity: I have you now, Mr. Jones!

[Jones spins around quickly]

Timothy Jones: You will die for this KPS scum. Star Trek rules. The technical
manual says so

Delenn: He said manual[keeps giggling]

Robin Cook: This is all that Cronan and Lt. Infinity's fault

Infinity: It's Capt. Infinity, I didn't spend six years in KPS OCS to be
called "lieutenant," thank you very much.

LisaB: I'm not here. Leave me alone

Sheridan: Ummmm. Am I through yet? Can I go? I mean if this is personal I'd
just as well...

Blackhawk: Shhhhhhh! You moon faced assassin of joy. This is getting good

Troy Heagy: "         "

Infinity: That's not Sheridan! It's fanboy, baby!

[Sheridan pulls up his pink frilly dress and runs back and forth screaming
about circumcision]

Timothy Jones: It's a FACT that I'm right. Ask everyone who has never read
anything about science. Andre Bormanis, the Star Trek science advisor who
doesn't know what deutrium is will tell you.

Franklin Hummel: You're just a clueless git

Cronan: Hey! That Man's Nuts! Grab'em!

Moyra: SEE! SEE! He made me do it.

[By now Timothy Jones has regrouped while the forces of the KPS were divided
and remounted his attack opening fire with Kill-O-Zap guns he has downed
Blackhawk who was busy trying to spelunk under Sheridan's dress]

Delenn: AHAHAHAHAHAHA It's so funny because fish means person

Timothy Jones: What you've got to understand is that WE are centuries ahead of

Troy Heagy: "           "

Bryan Lambert: I am impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live
without it. [Pulls out a small box which draws everyone's attention] This is
the Red Button. If you don't stop I will press it

Timothy Jones: Doesn't matter. I've already proven that Star Trek will win no

[Bryan pushes the button sending a puff of smoke and light makes Cronan turn
into a 40 story lizard. Bryan departs]

Cronan: I am now CRONZILLA!

[As Cronzilla goes to step on Timothy Jones once and for all Moyra, TheWitch
and Robin Cook form a trinity of evil around Jones]

The Sisters McKooky: Ancient Spirits of Conformity. [Oooga Chaka music starts]
Transform this decayed form to TIMRA the ever-buggered.

[Timothy Jones becomes TIMRA 50 stories high and pissed to boot]

TimRa: Watcha gonna do now plain and simple croonie?

Infinity[yelling up to Cronzilla]: Cronan, remember my words!

Cronzilla[yelling down to Infinity: You mean when you said, "Time is an
illusion, lunchtime doubly so?"

Infinity: That was Arthur.

Arthur: Keep me out of this.

Infinity: I said, "Win one for the Capper. Remember, no one loves you." Then I
told you to get your hand off my leg...

[Infinity's pep talk is interrupted as Tim-Ra, Ancient Spirit of Evil, kicks
Cronzilla in the nuts. Nothing happens. Everyone looks to Cronzilla for an

Cronzilla: There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I
suggest you try it. [Squares shoulders]

Infinity[nudging the giggling Delenn with his Troll Cannon]: I told him that
too![Uses Troll Cannon on the still gaping Sisters. They vaporize instantly as
they were really chocolate fudge]

[TimRa does a little girl scream as Cronzilla attacks]

Cronzilla: Know the power of might Cronzilla! [Cronan launches into a
withering rebuttal of everything that anyone has ever said about anything.
Ever.] And that's why refrigerators are cold

WWS: That kicked ass. Sorry I got here late. I was trying to be reasonable.
Won't happen again. Promise.

[Cronan's powers are diminishing having reached their limit. Timothy Jones
down, but not out. They both begin to shrink (IYKWIM)]

Timothy Jones: I'll get you next time my pretty![Disappears in a puff of evil

Infinity: It's funny when you think about it. It just goes to show that the
moral is there to be understood.

Cronan: Yes, dear friend. Let's get drunk.

The End?

[Next Week: the KPS take on the mods, Thaxton/Fuller and Timothy Jones in a

...I was gonna leave *this*?

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