From: "Plain and Simple Cronan" <cronan@DeathsDoor.com> Subject: The Empire Kicks Back Date: 27 May 1998 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Wierd Message-ID: <email@example.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.bam,alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.tv.babylon-5,alt.tv.star-trek.ds9, rec.arts.sf.tv,rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5,rec.arts.startrek.current It is a dark time for Timothy Jones and Trekkies everywhere as they consistently defeated by Star Wars, B5 and Little House on the Prairie fans. A small band of heroic posters are growing closer to his Evil Brain with every single post. KPS ATTACK! Flame Wars Chapter XI: The Empire Kicks Back [We open to a shot of the White Star firing all weapons at Timothy Jones] Timothy: You can't hurt me. All you of Babylon 5 are morons! Sheridan: God damn it, Delenn. What say the prophecies of Valenn about this? Delenn[who is still tripping on dry ice fumes from _Atonement_]: Hehe. You said prophecies![Delenn falls over on the floor giggling] Sheridan: Reverse thrust, take us out of here Timothy Jones: Watch as I invert the tachyon dyconomatrix's polarization field. [Everyone on the White Star screams] Marcus: ARRRRRGE He's technobabbled me back to life and transported me here. And look. My accent's gone [Out of nowhere comes Capt. Infinity and Cronan. They appear as through from everywhere carrying giant Troll Cannons of Justice] Infinity: PEEP ON YOU, JONES! Cronan: SPOON! [Cronan's cannon, being much newer and bigger than Infinity's (IYKWIM) lets loose a frightening barrage of really purdy words] Podkayne Fries: Cronan, you use your mouth purdier than a 20 dollar whore Franklin Hummel: And he's just so damn CUTE [Infinity has by now decoyed Jones away using a complex bait and switch trolling technique that all Peeps are taught moments before birth] Infinity: I have you now, Mr. Jones! [Jones spins around quickly] Timothy Jones: You will die for this KPS scum. Star Trek rules. The technical manual says so Delenn: He said manual[keeps giggling] Robin Cook: This is all that Cronan and Lt. Infinity's fault Infinity: It's Capt. Infinity, I didn't spend six years in KPS OCS to be called "lieutenant," thank you very much. LisaB: I'm not here. Leave me alone Sheridan: Ummmm. Am I through yet? Can I go? I mean if this is personal I'd just as well... Blackhawk: Shhhhhhh! You moon faced assassin of joy. This is getting good Troy Heagy: " " Infinity: That's not Sheridan! It's fanboy, baby! [Sheridan pulls up his pink frilly dress and runs back and forth screaming about circumcision] Timothy Jones: It's a FACT that I'm right. Ask everyone who has never read anything about science. Andre Bormanis, the Star Trek science advisor who doesn't know what deutrium is will tell you. Franklin Hummel: You're just a clueless git Cronan: Hey! That Man's Nuts! Grab'em! Moyra: SEE! SEE! He made me do it. [By now Timothy Jones has regrouped while the forces of the KPS were divided and remounted his attack opening fire with Kill-O-Zap guns he has downed Blackhawk who was busy trying to spelunk under Sheridan's dress] Delenn: AHAHAHAHAHAHA It's so funny because fish means person Timothy Jones: What you've got to understand is that WE are centuries ahead of you. Troy Heagy: " " Bryan Lambert: I am impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live without it. [Pulls out a small box which draws everyone's attention] This is the Red Button. If you don't stop I will press it Timothy Jones: Doesn't matter. I've already proven that Star Trek will win no matter... [Bryan pushes the button sending a puff of smoke and light makes Cronan turn into a 40 story lizard. Bryan departs] Cronan: I am now CRONZILLA! [As Cronzilla goes to step on Timothy Jones once and for all Moyra, TheWitch and Robin Cook form a trinity of evil around Jones] The Sisters McKooky: Ancient Spirits of Conformity. [Oooga Chaka music starts] Transform this decayed form to TIMRA the ever-buggered. [Timothy Jones becomes TIMRA 50 stories high and pissed to boot] TimRa: Watcha gonna do now plain and simple croonie? Infinity[yelling up to Cronzilla]: Cronan, remember my words! Cronzilla[yelling down to Infinity: You mean when you said, "Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so?" Infinity: That was Arthur. Arthur: Keep me out of this. Infinity: I said, "Win one for the Capper. Remember, no one loves you." Then I told you to get your hand off my leg... [Infinity's pep talk is interrupted as Tim-Ra, Ancient Spirit of Evil, kicks Cronzilla in the nuts. Nothing happens. Everyone looks to Cronzilla for an explanation] Cronzilla: There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it. [Squares shoulders] Infinity[nudging the giggling Delenn with his Troll Cannon]: I told him that too![Uses Troll Cannon on the still gaping Sisters. They vaporize instantly as they were really chocolate fudge] [TimRa does a little girl scream as Cronzilla attacks] Cronzilla: Know the power of might Cronzilla! [Cronan launches into a withering rebuttal of everything that anyone has ever said about anything. Ever.] And that's why refrigerators are cold WWS: That kicked ass. Sorry I got here late. I was trying to be reasonable. Won't happen again. Promise. [Cronan's powers are diminishing having reached their limit. Timothy Jones down, but not out. They both begin to shrink (IYKWIM)] Timothy Jones: I'll get you next time my pretty![Disappears in a puff of evil smoke] Infinity: It's funny when you think about it. It just goes to show that the moral is there to be understood. Cronan: Yes, dear friend. Let's get drunk. The End? [Next Week: the KPS take on the mods, Thaxton/Fuller and Timothy Jones in a slugfest entitled: EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO DO ON THE USENET BUT WERE AFRAID TO TOUCH] P&SC ...I was gonna leave *this*?
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