My thoughts on the Internet

(Cronan Thompson)

I was on IRC, an online chat network, the other day. Someone, for some unknown reason, invited me onto their Fserve, a database of files, devoted to deviant sexual behavior. Of course I was THRILLED!! As I am sure you know I am a big fan of various activities involving animals and midgets. Usually an FServe requires one to upload a picture before one can download one, but because of the vital nature of the information contained on this particular FServe, everyone was given free or "leech" access. After a bit of searching about, I came across various top ten lists. I, like the fool I am, decided to download the file named FUCKEDUPWIERD.jpg. In retrospect this was a mistake. The picture was... unique. It involved a man masturbating. Well he wasn't exactly masturbating, per say. He was having sex with the bulb socket of a lamp. I have never been one to judge the normality of others, but this individual strikes me as slightly off kilter. AHHHHHH the internet. The wave of the future.

There are good things about the internet with real educational potential. The Usenet, however, is not one of them. It is a chaotic grouping of computers located primarily on college campuses. There are no rules exactly. Sure the majority of the groups are devoted to specific interests, but this is completely irrelevant to the preponderance of posters. Thanks to an evil invention known as cross posting, these carefully defined boundaries have been torn down. Say we were to do a highly scientific survey of a randomly chosen newsgroup on the usenet, This group is a fine example of what people do when given freedom to discuss various topics of great social importance. A quick sampling of the posts tells us that HOT ASIANS BABES at FREE WEB SITES is the primary topic of interest. However, there is also significant interest in 'MAKING 50,000$ FAST!!!!'. For some unknown reason, the majority of the world is cut off from these treasures of the electronic age. Now we know why Bobubba Klinton and Crown Prince Al wants every child in America online. So they can contribute the 50,000 dollars they made FAST to his campaign.

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