Things I Learned from Jurassic Park 2:

The Lost World

(Cronan Thompson)

  1. If you are an experienced hunter on an island full of carnivorous dinosaurs you will walk into the long grass
  2. None of the aforementioned experienced hunters will think to fire any of their very expensive(and cumbersome) looking automatic weapons.
  3. After capturing very large and powerful animals of problem solving intelligence you will not think to place a guard near their cages
  4. If you are slightly overwieght you will die
  5. If you are balding you will die
  6. If you are below the age of 13 you will live
  7. Velociraptors, although extremely intelligent and capable of moving at cheetah speeds, will be out run and manuevered by two scientists and a little girl
  8. If you are a black male you will die
  9. If you are an experienced naturalist you will not remove your clothing that is soaked in the blood of an extremely protective
  10. and very vengful species
  11. No one will remember to bring any heavy ordinance in case something might go wrong especially the people who have been in this exact postion before
  12. Little itty bitty dinosaurs the size of squirrels can kill an experienced hunter type guy
  13. TRex's can shrink themselves down, sneak out of cargo holds, sneak up several sailors with such suddenness that their hands are still on the objects they were holding or controling, and then sneak back down into the ships hold.... and lock themselves back in
  14. If, and only if, you are incredibly stupid can you become the CEO of a major bioengineering corporation
  15. You will keep a technological breakthrough that would undoubtedly skyrocket the value of your stock a secret.
  16. Further you will leave your huge secret on a big ass island whose waters are frequented by local fishermen
  17. No one will believe an emminent scientist about his Dinosaur claims in spite of the fact that INGen is building a Jurassic Park in downtown SanDiego
  18. InGen is so powerful, that they've managed to completely supress the story of genetically engineered dinosaurs.
  19. When everyone hears the warning music and the leaves rustling they will freeze, look around and scream.
  20. When ever there is something horrific involving a dinosaur, have all the characters come close together to frame a Reaction Shot for several seconds.  Then *CUT* to the SFX sequence.
  21. Black leather jackets are to be worn onto tropical islands
  22. Security for the big secret is so lax little girls can easily get by it
  23. Harbor masters will not think to run away from a boat speeding toward them.
  24. The importation of exotic animals was under severe laws, quarantine procedures, etc... But anybody can sneak a full grown T-Rex in the country *secretly*
  25. It is possible to carry a baby T-rex -- a wild predator the size of a fairly big dog -- in your arms, even if it doesn't want to be carried.
  26. Stegosaurii are quite happily to travel through Tyrannosaur territory, although we've been told these beasts are very territorial.
  27. Lots of people running together in a large group can invariably outrun a T-rex capable of running speeds up to 30 mph.
  28. When being stalked by a velociraptor that is staring at you three feet away, it will give you time to formulate a plan for escaping.
  29. If you go off on your own for even a few minutes on an island with dinosaurs, you will be eaten.
  30. When a large vehicule falls off a cliff, it always falls straight down and if you happen to be hanging on a rope going through that vehicule, nothing will touch you.
  31. Despite popular beliefs and human experience, stopping your fall by grabbing on a rope does not burn your skin, stretch your joints and cause pain.
  32. Despite popular belief, you can hang on forever on a rope and on the edge of a roof too (with one hand!!).
  33. With one hand, you can easily take tiles off a roof, but your own weight pulling on them doesn't.
  34. Buy a backpack, pierce a hole on it and call it your lucky backpack. Doing so will save your life.
  35. When three people stop their fall by grabbing a rope, they will all do so at the exact same time.
  36. When designing and constructing vehicles to withstand the force of dino impacts it is necessary to put bars in front of the windows.  It is NOT necessary to use safety glass.
  37. In order to properly observe the isolated dinos, one must be careful not to tamper with the ecology.  "So much as bending a blade of grass..."  But it's perfectly okay to pet the cute stegosaurus.
  38. T-rex's can apparently tip-toe quietly to its unsuspecting prey so its impact tremors won't be felt.
  39. T. Rex's are notoriously polite when stalking their prey in tents, so much so that they will be quiet as ten-ton church mice in the presence of sleeping pre-pubescent teenagers.
  40. The geological instability of Southern California prevents the impact tremors of stomping dinos from physically manifesting themselves in small bodies of water, like swimming pools.
  41. John Hammond's butler shows no sign of recognizing Malcolm because he suffers from Alzeimer's.
  42. Thirteen year old girls will appear as bearded fifty year old filmmakers in a reflective surface (like a TV screen).
  43. A velociraptor -- a carnivore -- will jump on a person then go absolutely nuts about her backpack, and let her escape
  44. It is necessary to put a padlock on a caged triceratops.  It is not necessary to padlock any of the other animals.
  45. Paleontologists are afraid of other reptiles (like snakes).
  46. The screams of an eight year old girl can be heard from around the coast's corner against the roar of the crashing waves.
  47. The world's most efficient predator can be killed by the world's second.
  48. A band of mercenaries, in extremely dangerous territory will never set up sentries, and will be surprised by a dinosaur you can hear coming a mile off. Then instead of just shooting them will run screaming off into the night.(towards more dinosaurs)
  49. Even on full auto an M-16 won't hurt a full grown t-rex.  "Sorry sarge, I can't seem to hit something that weighs 6 tons and is twenty feet away.  Must be because I'm an anonymous Latin-American who has a date with a raptor in scene 17."
  50. A major bio-tech corporation, when guarding extremely valuable property at a 'secured facility' will just leave it in an unlocked cage in the garage, all alone.
  51. Non 4 wheel drive, compact sport utility trucks can hold up two trailers the size of a semi-tractor trailer with a small wire, on the mud.
  52. A security guard will just stand by while you dare him to shoot you as you steal property he is paid to protect.  Of course, since the thief wasn't black it's possible. . .
  53. Chaos theory applies to "incredibly stupid people induced disasters"
  54. Noone in LA has guns
  55. Dinosaur bones+flesh have approx. 4 times the strength of steel.
  56. Dinosaur hunting by helicopter is forbiden, since it would be WAY to easy.
  57. Dinosaurs which need to eat tons of flesh per day somehow manage to suvive for x-years on an island which only has a few dozen tons of meat on it (till the non/small-name-actors arrive.)
  58. Dinosaur hunting from Heavy (ie: >5 times as much steel as dino-bones) vehciles, like Armoured Personal Carriers, is forbidden.
  59. Little girls that go wandering around on dinosaur infested islands will be invulnerable during the duration on which they stay.
  60. If you run into a cave to get away from a T-rex, the cave will not extend more than a couple of feet
  61. Any cave you hide in will allow a T-rex to get just within tongue's lenth of you
  62. If you are about to shoot a T-rex with a really big gun, chances are the gun is empty
  63. Big ideas are bad ideas.
  64. A mathematician can survive anything, people with guns can't
  65. A cute dinosaur is inherently a dangerous dinosaur
  66. If you here shockwaves from an approaching dinsosaur, you will listen to them for about five minutes before warning anybody.
  67. When T-rexes aren't actually in sight, they move incredibly slow, hence shockwaves occur once every 5-10 seconds.
  68. Dinsaurs practice sexist eating practices(they only eat men)
  69. Westinghouse really builds some great electrical powerstations able to withstand 4 years of unsupervised abuse from large jurrassic period animals
  70. If you're trapped in a building with Veloceraptors, make sure there are pipes that resemble uneven bars, and make sure you have a little girls who knows gymnastics.
  71. Wherever there is danger, there must be a kid around to provide comic relief/heighten tension.  Adults can't do this alone.
  72. There should be only one communications facility (in the center of the island).
  73. When you notice that everyone around you is being eaten by a raptor, you'll keep walking and not think to arm yourself or get ready
  74. When being chased by a T-Rex, youll have a much better chance of outrunning it if you flee by foot instead of in a vehicle.
  75. Malcolm, since he knew the dinos were in inadequate enclosures, avoided saying, "These dinosaurs are in an inadequate enclosure." Instead, he babbled endlessly about Respect for Nature and how Life Will Find A Way, in a manner calculated to make any level-headed person regard him as a loon.
  76. Dinosaurs are raving psychopaths that don't act like a reptile would under any circumstances
  77. Just because you get cut from the school gymnastics team doesn't mean that you can't take out a Velociraptor.
  78. Guns are meant to be held in a macho way to look cool, not shot.
  79. When exploring sites that were abandoned years ago that are now overgrown in exotic vines, you can turn on the power and re-establish radio contact by flipping ONE switch.
  80. If you're bandaging the broken leg of a prehistoric carniverous jungle-dweller, CHEWING GUM is the perfect adhesive.
  81. Exercise bars are impervious to jungle rot.
  82. You can't hear people yelling your name when you're looking through binoculars.
  83. If exploring dangerous, uncharted territory in your trailer, take pains to reinforce it -- except for the WALL OF GLASS.

Contributions from Travers Naran, David Hines, Lost Soul, Marc Y. Paulin, Ramiro Fernandez, Joel Konieczny, Brian M Williams, Coffey, Badger, JJankow30, Josh Rivero, Matt McIrvin, Mbarnes755 and David Landers

Return to Online Tribute to Cronan Thompson.