Ways to Improve New York City

(Cronan Thompson)

1) Fire all the police officers. They don't really do much anyway so my idea is to remove all of those useless boys in that drab blue uniform and replace them with the Tourist Guard. The Tourist Guard will assign each group of 5 tourists with a single person, formerly of the NYPD, for the duration of their stay. As everyone born and bred in any part of New York State knows most crimes center around the toursits as New York City Dwellers as afraid of each other. This would cut the crime rate to nothing inside of the first week.

2) Being hand gun safety training in the schools. Since there are more illegal guns in schools than legal guns in homes in the NYC Area (particularly Manhattan) we need to being training these kids how to properly discharge their weapons at the tourists. Cleaning and maintainence techniques will also be tought.

3) Law and Order (what there is of it) needs to kept up to so I reccomend random sniping. One on the top of every building 24 hours a day. Without police officers to take pot shots at and tourists to rob, abuse and treat like the scum they are, all the psycho and sociopaths need something do. There should be more than enough for one per building, each taking 4 hour shifts once a week.

4) With the drop in non-fatal bullet wounds, the various injuries incurred during muggings, etc. the budget for the city's hospitals should drop by 3/4, allowing people with real ailments to get treatment for the first time. Since the random sniper kills will pick off the slow folks, most of whom would presumably be sick, very old or very stupid to move slowly in an area montitored by psychopathic snipers with high powered rifles, all of the budget formerly devoted to things like care of the elderly and schools could be transfered to useful things. Making prostitution and drugs free and available to all, cleaning up the filthy streets (City Workers would wear special uniforms denoting them as non-targets) and giving all the Convenience Store Night Managers and Cab Drivers English lessons would all get higher priority.

5) With most of the other major problems taken care of, only one remains: removing the evil alligators form the sewers.

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