OJ Simpson to buy Star Trek forensic equipment

(Cronan Thompson)

Apparently in deep desperation to find the killers of his wife, OJ Simpson has bought several thousand Tricorders, Medical Scanners, truth detectors and phasers. These are to be given to the LAPD so that they might be better equipped to find the person who committed the terrible double murder.

LAPD response was very unusual. Apparently they think this is some type of PR scheme dreamed up my Mr. Simpson. Some officers have gone as far as to say they don't believe that the Tricorders would help. When asked why, most responded that they weren't real. They were, of course, fired for thinking without departmental permission. A spokesperson for the department said, "We are grateful that Mr. Simpson has seen fit to give us the tools. Although imaginary they are far more likely to be accepted in a court of law than our current equipment."

Johnny Cochrane, who came up with the idea to donate the Star Trek technology, was amused by the idea that people seemed to believe Mr. Simpson was doing this for personal gain. "OJ is one of the best men I know. Most people don't realize how much one of these toys....er important scientific tools cost. They cost 25 bucks at a Trek convention. Not to mention the phasers with the blinking lights." Mr. Cochrane was later heard to be filling a lawsuit against Paramount for using his name in association with Zefram Cochrane.

Response from most LA Trekkers was immediate and severe. A demonstration line has formed outside of OJ's house. Most of the demonstrating Trekkers were up in arms at Mr. Simpson's discount on the Trek merchandise. "They gave that bastard a full 1% discount," screamed the leader. The rest were just really pissed that the trial got more coverage than Trek's 30th Anniversary.

- The Disassociated Press

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