Things I Learned From the 1997 Oscars

(Cronan Thompson)

Against my better judgement I watch the Oscars last night and wasn't disappointed in the least.

1) The academy is composed primarily of teenage girls.

2) James Cameron has a really small penis.

3) Acceptance speeches are designed to be bereft of feeling, interest or humor.

4) At the end of the night they broadcast some kind of memory eraser thingie because once the credits rolled I couldn't remember who won what. I did, however, remember every commercial.

5) Billy Crystal was almost funny. Once.

6) Greg Kennier looks a few sandwhiches short of a picnic

7) The MST3K special was far more interesting and realistic.

8) Jesus was in the second row, center about 3 seats from the left...

9) Someone went through the best movies the academy bothered to watch and picked the most boring clips possible.

10) Starship Troopers didn't win a single award. What a rip!

11) No movie that wasn't nominated won.

12) Celine Dion slept with every accountant who has ever been in any way associated with the Academy Awards. [Explain her win some other way, I dare you.]

13) Madonna thought she was going to Rocky Horror and put on the wrong dress.

14) It *is* possible to compress 3 days of dental surgery, a week's worth of electric shock, and a lifetime of boredom into 3 hours of broadcast television.

15) The line up of past award winners taught me three things:
    15a) The women looked like a plastic surgeons convention gone horribly, horribly wrong.
    15b) The men were living proof that euthanasia is a good idea.
    15c) One you've fallen they shouldn't pick you up.

16) The only person present who wasn't wearing makeup, a hairpeice of some sort or has had extensive cosmetic surgery was Max the Bear (and the poor bastard's probably been neutered).

17) It is possible to make a movie devoid of plot, story, three dimensional characters and still win 11 Oscars. (My guess is that of Titanic's 200+ million dollar budget, 160 million was spent on the effects, 10 was spent on maintaining DiCaprio and Cameron's respective egos and the rest on bribing the Academy. But that's just a guess.)

18) Less than 20% of the Academy Awards was directly related to the Academy Awards.

19) And the best actor went to Bill Clinton.

...a jolly bad show

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