The Pocket Shuttlecraft

(Cronan Thompson)

Design Lineage: Designed by Norman the Elf. Commissioned just before it was built, and just after it was concluded to have never existed at all. Luckily, Cronan, using skill beyond your feeble understanding, managed to discover that the PS was indeed hidden on the planet Zieoryt just before it blew up. Using the frame of a Star Trek: TOS era shuttle, it is nearly impervious to bad acting.

The Pocket Shuttlecraft was modeled after the original Star Trek shuttles.

Propulsion: The propulsion system is amongst the most advanced in all the Oligarchy, and is also among the most unique. By destroying a planet, Zieoryt, it was forever attributed with the properties of bad news. Bad news travels instantaneously.

Transporters: Now that computer memory is no longer a problem, Cronan uses an alternative to transporters which e-mails him to any destination. Unfortunately, his file has been corrupted several times. The PS can also be folded up and be e-mailed along with him. Hence the ship's name, Pocket Shuttlecraft.

Shuttlebays: N/A

Holodecks: Cronan's imagination is so powerful, he is fully capable of creating his own naked women (and blue elves).

Shields: Thanks to his Reality Field(TM), Cronan needs not fear from the most powerful of foes. By forcing phasers, photon torpedoes, and all other Star Trek weapons to adhere to real physical principles, the Reality Field renders them harmless.

Weaponry: Should Cronan be challenged by a foe who is evil beyond comprehension, he unleashes the most powerful weapon in the known universe, the Dogbertron. Based upon the Dogbert Theorem put forth in the late twentieth century by brilliant theorist Scott Adams, this weapon causes all members of the enemy crew to lose all self esteem and activate their self-destruct system.

Sensors: The PS is equipped with a Sub-Micron Sens-O-Matic. The PS is also equipped with Starfleet's first Stupidity Sensor. This has successfully prevented most Admirals from coming aboard.

Tractors: Uses a Get-Yer-Ass-Over-Here-Before-I-Kick-It beam.

Repulsors: Uses a naked picture of Bea Arthur.

Medical systems: If, for some reason, Cronan should get sick, he dies.

Computers: The PS uses a Genuine People Personality computer from the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. His name is Ziggy and is unremittingly hostile, has received a Cardassian medal for cruelty, and is fully capable of ruining anything if given enough time and resources.

Internal security: In case the PS is boarded, Cronan will more than likely be killed or captured.

Time scanning: The PS has the ability to scan backwards and forwards in time to detect danger. When the ship detects danger anytime within the next five minutes, it will then find someplace very very large to hide.

Go to the Online Tribute to Cronan Thompson.