Making a Holy Sandwich

"Holy Sandwiches are something which must be EXPERIENCED. There is
no way to adequately describe them by mere words alone."

- Lori

Put the two pieces of bread (plain or toasted, depending on preference) on a cutting board. Spread mustard on one piece with a holy mustard knife and mayonnaise on the other piece with a holy mayonnaise spoon.

Put the following on the mayonnaise side, in this order:

  1. Tomatoes (four half-slices, cut with a holy cutting knife, sharper than the mustard knife.)
  2. Lettuce
  3. Cheese (preferably at least two of the following: Muenster, White American, Provolone, Swiss, Jarlsberg. Or your choice. Never use Kraft Singles or anything similar.)
  4. Pickle slices (the oblong ones, such as Claussen's Sandwich Size)

Put the following on the the mustard side, in this order:

  1. Ham (edges folded under)
  2. Roast beef (fold one side over, tear off some from another piece and put it on the part that isn't folded over)
  3. Genoa or Hard Salami
  4. Pastrami (same folding technique as the roast beef)

You must bless each item individually as you add them to the sandwich. When you are finished putting everything on the bread, put the mustard side on top of the mayonnaise side, give it one final blessing, and cut it in half with the holy cutting knife. When you take a bite and some of your sandwich gets stuck behind your upper teeth, it is a sign from the Gods of Sandwichmaking that you have done well.

You are permitted to leave out one or two items that you don't like. If you decide to leave out an item, or replace it with something else, you must say a prayer for the item you are leaving out, at the time at which you normally would be putting it in.

It is not necessary, but the Holy Sandwich can be made even holier by eating it with regular potato chips and a soda (preferably Coke, Mountain Dew, root beer, or Surge). This constitutes the Holy Meal.

Anyone wishing to create Holy Sandwiches commercially and sell them in restaurants or delis must obtain a special license from The World Oligarchy. All employees involved with making the Sandwiches must be given special training. The Holy Sandwich shall never, under any circumstances, be sold at a fast food restaurant.

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