From: "Plain and Simple Cronan" <cronan@DeathsDoor.com> Subject: Cronan's Summer Movie Preview [fairly long] Date: 16 May 1998 00:00:00 GMT Message-ID: <email@example.com> Organization: Wierd Newsgroups: alt.fan.bam,alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology, alt.showbiz.gossip,rec.arts.movies.current-films With summer approaching with all the excitement of another sex scandal from the White House I think it only fair that I offer all you friendly folk a little push in the right direction. If you don't go see the movies I want you to see we'll all have a really rotten summer. No one will bitch when they pay to see good films and these newsgroups will be filled with satisfied customers. We don't want that. So let me tell you what you're gonna see and you're gonna like it god damn you. May 20th: Opening by its lonesome midweek is a movie that has been the butt of so many jokes that no one has actually mentioned the overwhelming acting talent of newcomer L Zardo. It's a based on a movie about a feminist lizard and her struggle with Nippon's patriarchal society. She leaves for America in the hope that her overtly lesbian tendency to knock over buildings and stomp on men in business suits behavior will endear her to her American sisters. Hijinx ensue. This is one of those films you've got to see. Why? Because They Have Said So. It's bound to stink like the pubic hair from Dennis Rodman's jockstrap fried in old grease and left to ferment in the attic, but you'll see it so you can be 'in on' all the jokes that everyone else is gonna be cracking. Ha. Just like that one. Only lamer. It's gonna make a billion trillion dollars and everyone's gonna hate it. Except for that lady on Entertainment Tonight. She likes everything. May 22nd: Two days later a movie with almost no box office potential opens. It's called "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". What Fear and Loathing are doing in Vegas of all places is as yet unknown but this movies directed by that guy who did "12 Monkeys" and "Brazil". Never heard of them? Don't worry. Most people don't remember them either. But you don't care. You'll being seeing "Godzilla" for the 13th time while groaning about the deplorable state of American films. Avoid this film. It promises to be interesting, well-written and have a satirical wit about it. There's something about "The Opposite Sex" too, but that'll suck. Trust me. May 29th: Next week you'll be treated to Sandra "I'm even less talented than Keanu" Bullock and Harry "Will Smith's a better singer and he was in Men in Black" Connick Jr.'s attempt to make us forget that between them they have been in the worst movies since their last movies. There's like movie starring that fat dead guy. It's called "Almost Heroes." No plot information is currently available other than some dead fat guy stars in it. Looks like a winner. Go see it. June 5th: With June comes the opening of Jim Carrey's "The Truman Show." It's a loose interpretation of Harry S. Truman's brief stint as host of the Tonight Show. His time as a lowly President of the US to his eventual rise to fame as talk show personality is chronicled with the subtlety Jim Carrey is famous for. Using the innovative "NYAH" approach it won't actually tell you any of this. You're expected to guess. "Starship Troopers" pioneered it last year to rave reviews. There's a chick movie opening too. It's about Chicks. There's are two movies about revenge. One stars Michael Douglas, who never recovered from seeing Sharon Stone's vagina (that's a fun word to say. Say it. Out loud. LOUDER.) up close, and the other is about two guys who get paid to be mean to people. Realism is high on Hollywood's agenda this year. June 12th: There's a movie about Harrison Ford seducing gay women over an extended period("Six Days, Seven Nights") and whole bunch of other chick stuff. They've probably got genuine plots, good directors and actors who appeared for love of art rather than massive quantities of money, but who cares? Nobody got paid 20 million to look buff. Avoid these. Go see Harrison Ford in his worst movie since his last one. June 19th: Disney, having gotten tired of animated wet dreams and pathetic remakes (The Parent Trap doesn't count because it's like the fourth remake), has decided to steal one of my favorite animes and make it into a movie for mom, apple pie and product tie-ins. Their evil is almost as great as that which lead to the X-Files movie entitled "Fight DA Future." Having given up on conspiracies that are remotely plausible they've decided to deem the calendar a conspiracy and fight that. "Cigarette Man's got an evil Dilbert Desk Calendar in his pocket. Is Mulder's name on it? Stay tuned for next week's attempt to prove Chris Carter has no talent." Lord knows Duckony and Anderson need something to do. Hopefully it'll keep them away from television, the last bastion of intelligent entertainment. June 26th: Eddie Murphy will be making a movie about his adventures with transsexual prostitutes and his inability to achieve orgasm without the presence of small furry animals. It's called "Doctor Dolittle." George Clooney will make clear exactly how useless a John Travolta chin is without John Woo and lots of explosives. "Out of Sight" promises to kill his career and take out many people with actual talent. Hollywood will survive. There's some other stuff but you won't see it. Why bother? They're stupid and have like plots and stuff. Stay home and watch UPN. July 1st: Bruce Willis, the only one of Planet Hollywood's elite ownership with enough balls to make a movie this summer, is gonna be in something about a hemorrhoid removal operation gone horribly wrong. It's called "Constipation." Go see it. It cost a bazillion dollars. July 3rd: Nothing happens except some small time movie is released. Go see Godzilla again. July 10th: Summer will really heat up with the release of the number one tie-in movie of the year. It's "Toy Story" + "Toy Soldiers" without Buzz Lightyear. Yummy. This movie had a deal with Burger King back in December and has more Fx shots than there are begats in the bible. Sounds like a rollicking good time. This weekend will also witness the opening of "Melrose Place 4: Lethal Weapon". Riggs and Murtaugh, having divorced their wives and gotten married to each other, fight of bigotry, homophobia and an NC-17 rating. This promises to be the movie this summer for homosexual men. It's "Batman and Robin" without the rubber. And it'll keep Danny Glover from thinking he still has a career without Mel. There's some foreign movie with a really weird title about dildos or something (South Park craze I guess), a movie about some guy who can count to 3.14 ("Pi") and another that doesn't care ("Whatever"). July 15th: "There's Something About Mary" has Matt Dillon in it. He discovers that his wife is really Ben Stiller. Looks to be serious competition for "MP4: Lethal Weapon". July 17: I dunno. I forget. So will everyone else. July 24th: Speilberg attempts to kick Cameron in the nuts (and save the failing Nightmareworks SFW) with "Saving Private Ryan," Antonio Banderas' nuts are shown in all their splendor from his tight black pants in "The Spandex of Zorba the Greek" and MTV goes all out to with "Dead Man on Campus." The latter is supposed to be worse than Starship Troopers and it only cost about 1/10th. Amazing. More inanity for your buck from the people that brought you the music station with no music. Oh and "Jane Austen's Mafia" is being released. Apparently the Mafia dig up Jane Austen and hold her ransom. The A&E Network is forced to pay 12 dollars in subway tokens. July 29th: "The Parent Trap" I think we've all got something to say about this. I'm surpressing my deepest desire to make pornographic jokes about the aged Halley Mills. Please help me. July 31st: There's a movie about people who negotiate called... ummm "The Negotiator". Original, yes? It stars Good Actors. Won't make a friggin dime. It's being released at the same time as a movie about the making of a movie that didn't do all that well. I'm not making this up. "Full Tilt Boogie" is about the making of "From Dusk Til Dawn." Silly? Yeah well the other movie from that weekend is about this Jewish lady who makes a scientific breakthrough while sleeping with these kids' dad. Can it get any better than this? August 7th: Nic Cage is to make sure some shit blows up real good up in "Snake Eyes," Lesley Neilsen is in another comedy that promises to be about as funny as the sitcoms on the WB and Mike Myers proves that no one can be talented forever in is movie "45" or "54" or "9" or something. The highpoint of this weekend is sure to be Drew Barrymore in a Cinderella adaptation called "Ever After: A Cinderella Story" (I shit you not) in which she is fixed up on a date with Prince Charming by Leonardo Da Vinci (I'm not funny enough to make stuff like that up). It's freakish weird and I'm gonna see it opening day. You will too. Or else. August 14th: With this, the summer of our discontent, almost over someone decided to release "Virus". It's directed by the guy who helps made James Cameron's special Fx extravaganza's really damn grand so we can count on it being even worse written than "Titanic" (seemingly possible but I'm always hopeful) and having special effects that are tied to the plot with a piece of rotten piano wire. There's a movie about 90210 in the 70s and some other stuff but by this point in the summer you'll be buying high powered rifles and staking out the entrance to Paramount, Sony, Universal and especially the WB's studios. I wish you luck. August 21st: "Disturbing Behavior" is my autobiography. Except I didn't write it and won't make any money off of it whatsoever. I've been robbed I tell you. ROBBED. There's another film too. But I'll either be at WorldCon or studying by this point so why do I care? You people have money. Support the economy. Go see movies. In conclusion, there is even less this summer than there was last. At least last year started out with "The Fifth Element" had "MiB" half way through and finished up with "Steel", the "most worst movie ever" - my two year old cousin. Curiously, there are no Ahnuld, Stallone or Jackie Chan movies this summer. P&SC ...I think I'm going to stay in the house and hit myself with sharpened blunt objects P.S. all of the above information was provided by my three inch blue elf, he's a real Hollywood insider P.P.S did that make any sense at all?
Return to Online Tribute to Cronan Thompson.