Summer Movie Preview 1998

(Cronan Thompson)

From:         "Plain and Simple Cronan" <>
Subject:      Cronan's  Summer Movie Preview [fairly long]
Date:         16 May 1998 00:00:00 GMT
Message-ID:   <6jjqrs$jmc$>
Organization: Wierd

With summer approaching with all the excitement of another sex scandal from
the White House I think it only fair that I offer all you friendly folk a
little push in the right direction. If you don't go see the movies I want you
to see we'll all have a really rotten summer. No one will bitch when they pay
to see good films and these newsgroups will be filled with satisfied
customers. We don't want that. So let me tell you what you're gonna see and
you're gonna like it god damn you.

May 20th:

Opening by its lonesome midweek is a movie that has been the butt of so many
jokes that no one has actually mentioned the overwhelming acting talent of
newcomer L Zardo. It's a based on a movie about a feminist lizard and her
struggle with Nippon's patriarchal society. She leaves for America in the hope
that her overtly lesbian tendency to knock over buildings and stomp on men in
business suits behavior will endear her to her American sisters. Hijinx ensue.
This is one of those films you've got to see. Why? Because They Have Said So.
It's bound to stink like the pubic hair from Dennis Rodman's jockstrap fried
in old grease and left to ferment in the attic, but you'll see it so you can
be 'in on' all the jokes that everyone else is gonna be cracking. Ha. Just
like that one. Only lamer. It's gonna make a billion trillion dollars and
everyone's gonna hate it. Except for that lady on Entertainment Tonight. She
likes everything.

May 22nd:

Two days later a movie with almost no box office potential opens. It's called
"Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". What Fear and Loathing are doing in Vegas of
all places is as yet unknown but this movies directed by that guy who did "12
Monkeys" and "Brazil". Never heard of them? Don't worry. Most people don't
remember them either. But you don't care. You'll being seeing "Godzilla" for
the 13th time while groaning about the deplorable state of American films.
Avoid this film. It promises to be interesting, well-written and have a
satirical wit about it. There's something about "The Opposite Sex" too, but
that'll suck. Trust me.

May 29th:

Next week you'll be treated to Sandra "I'm even less talented than Keanu"
Bullock and Harry "Will Smith's a better singer and he was in Men in Black"
Connick Jr.'s attempt to make us forget that between them they have been in
the worst movies since their last movies. There's like movie starring that fat
dead guy. It's called "Almost Heroes." No plot  information is currently
available other than some dead fat guy stars in it. Looks like a winner. Go
see it.

June 5th:

With June comes the opening of Jim Carrey's "The Truman Show." It's a loose
interpretation of Harry S. Truman's brief stint as host of the Tonight Show.
His time as a lowly President of the US to his eventual rise to fame as talk
show personality is chronicled with the subtlety Jim Carrey is famous for.
Using the innovative "NYAH" approach it won't actually tell you any of this.
You're expected to guess. "Starship Troopers" pioneered it last year to rave
reviews. There's a chick movie opening too. It's about Chicks. There's are two
movies about revenge. One stars Michael Douglas, who never recovered from
seeing Sharon Stone's vagina (that's a fun word to say. Say it. Out loud.
LOUDER.) up close, and the other is about two guys who get paid to be mean
to people. Realism is high on Hollywood's agenda this year.

June 12th:

There's a movie about Harrison Ford seducing gay women over an extended
period("Six Days, Seven Nights") and whole bunch of other chick stuff. They've
probably got genuine plots, good directors and actors who appeared for love of
art rather than massive quantities of money, but who cares? Nobody got paid 20
million to look buff. Avoid these. Go see Harrison Ford in his worst movie
since his last one.

June 19th:

Disney, having gotten tired of animated wet dreams and pathetic remakes (The
Parent Trap doesn't count because it's like the fourth remake), has
decided to steal one of my favorite animes and make it into a movie for mom,
apple pie and product tie-ins. Their evil is almost as great as that which
lead to the X-Files movie entitled "Fight DA Future." Having given up on
conspiracies that are remotely plausible they've decided to deem the calendar
a conspiracy and fight that. "Cigarette Man's got an evil Dilbert Desk
Calendar in his pocket. Is Mulder's name on it? Stay tuned for next week's
attempt to prove Chris Carter has no talent." Lord knows Duckony and Anderson
need something to do. Hopefully it'll keep them away from television, the last
bastion of intelligent entertainment.

June 26th:

Eddie Murphy will be making a movie about his adventures with transsexual
prostitutes and his inability to achieve orgasm without the presence of small
furry animals. It's called "Doctor Dolittle." George Clooney will make clear
exactly how useless a John Travolta chin is without John Woo and lots of
explosives. "Out of Sight" promises to kill his career and take out many
people with actual talent. Hollywood will survive. There's some other stuff
but you won't see it. Why bother? They're stupid and have like plots and
stuff. Stay home and watch UPN.

July 1st:

Bruce Willis, the only one of Planet Hollywood's elite ownership with enough
balls to make a movie this summer, is gonna be in something about a hemorrhoid
removal operation gone horribly wrong. It's called "Constipation." Go see it.
It cost a bazillion dollars.

July 3rd:

Nothing happens except some small time movie is released. Go see Godzilla

July 10th:

Summer will really heat up with the release of the number one tie-in movie of
the year. It's "Toy Story" + "Toy Soldiers" without Buzz Lightyear. Yummy.
This movie had a deal with Burger King back in December and has more Fx shots
than there are begats in the bible. Sounds like a rollicking good time. This
weekend will also witness the opening of "Melrose Place 4: Lethal Weapon".
Riggs and Murtaugh, having divorced their wives and gotten married to each
other, fight of bigotry, homophobia and an NC-17 rating. This promises to be
the movie this summer for homosexual men. It's "Batman and Robin" without the
rubber. And it'll keep Danny Glover from thinking he still has a career
without Mel. There's some foreign movie with a really weird title about dildos
or something (South Park craze I guess), a movie about some guy who can count
to 3.14 ("Pi") and another that doesn't care ("Whatever").

July 15th:

"There's Something About Mary" has Matt Dillon in it. He discovers that his
wife is really Ben Stiller. Looks to be serious competition for "MP4: Lethal

July 17:

I dunno. I forget.
So will everyone else.

July 24th:

Speilberg attempts to kick Cameron in the nuts (and save the failing
Nightmareworks SFW) with "Saving Private Ryan," Antonio Banderas' nuts are
shown in all their splendor from his tight black pants in "The Spandex of
Zorba the Greek" and MTV goes all out to with "Dead Man on Campus." The latter
is supposed to be worse than Starship Troopers and it only cost about 1/10th.
Amazing. More inanity for your buck from the people that brought you the music
station with no music. Oh and "Jane Austen's Mafia" is being released.
Apparently the Mafia dig up Jane Austen and hold her ransom. The A&E Network
is forced to pay 12 dollars in subway tokens.

July 29th:

"The Parent Trap"
I think we've all got something to say about this. I'm surpressing my deepest
desire to make pornographic jokes about the aged Halley Mills. Please help me.

July 31st:

There's a movie about people who negotiate called... ummm "The  Negotiator".
Original, yes? It stars Good Actors. Won't make a friggin dime. It's being
released at the same time as a movie about the making of a movie that didn't
do all that well. I'm not making this up. "Full Tilt Boogie" is about the
making of "From Dusk Til Dawn." Silly? Yeah well the other movie from that
weekend is about this Jewish lady who makes a scientific breakthrough while
sleeping with these kids' dad.  Can it get any better than this?

August 7th:

Nic Cage is to make sure some shit blows up real good up in "Snake Eyes,"
Lesley Neilsen is in another comedy that promises to be about as funny as the
sitcoms on the WB and Mike Myers proves that no one can be talented forever in
is movie "45" or "54" or "9" or something. The highpoint of this weekend is
sure to be Drew Barrymore in a Cinderella adaptation called "Ever After: A
Cinderella Story" (I shit you not) in which she is fixed up on a date with
Prince Charming by Leonardo Da Vinci (I'm not funny enough to make stuff like
that up). It's freakish weird and I'm gonna see it opening day. You will too.
Or else.

August 14th:

With this, the summer of our discontent, almost over someone decided to
release "Virus". It's directed by the guy who helps made James Cameron's
special Fx extravaganza's really damn grand so we can count on it being even
worse written than "Titanic" (seemingly possible but I'm always hopeful) and
having special effects that are tied to the plot with a piece of rotten piano
wire. There's a movie about 90210 in the 70s and some other stuff but by this
point in the summer you'll be buying high powered rifles and staking out the
entrance to Paramount, Sony, Universal and especially the WB's studios. I wish
you luck.

August 21st:

"Disturbing Behavior" is my autobiography. Except I didn't write it and won't
make any money off of it whatsoever. I've been robbed I tell you. ROBBED.
There's another film too. But I'll either be at WorldCon or studying by this
point so why do I care? You people have money. Support the economy. Go see

In conclusion, there is even less this summer than there was last. At least
last year started out with "The Fifth Element" had "MiB" half way through and
finished up with "Steel", the "most worst movie ever" - my two year old cousin.
Curiously, there are no Ahnuld, Stallone or Jackie Chan movies this summer.

...I think I'm going to stay in the house and hit myself with sharpened blunt

P.S. all of the above information was provided by my three inch blue elf, he's
a real Hollywood insider

P.P.S did that make any sense at all?

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