Supermarket-Related Adventures

(Cronan Thompson)

Strange things happened on this day. Almost all are in some way related to the supermarket.

I as watching the last Mad Max movie. You know the one. It had the giant preschooler in leather with the midget and his dog whistle riding on his shoulders shouting stuff about pig shit while Tina Turner belted out tunes having nothing to do with why she has so much moouse in a postapocalyptic world. Anyway during the censored version they show on TV, a commercial for Sparkling Wine Jello appeared. As glittery and bouncy cubes danced before my eyes I realized I had to have some so I ran out of the house.

Realizing I wasn't wearing any clothing, I ran back inside to place a person to person collect call to Megan, my latest source of angst. She wasn't there so I left a mesage under a false identity with messaging service, claiming to be Bill, the Galactic Hero. (Strangely enough she hasn't gotten back to me.) Anyway I got dressed in my favorite spandex and ran to my car only to find that the old lady next door was standing in her yard. I aimed for and hit her with my Ford Escort. She survived with only a small bruise to her inner thigh.

After I got to the supermarket I decided I was no longer interested in gelatin products for purposes of nutrition. I decided to wander the store babbling about the high prices compared to when I was kid. Especially the Handi Snacks from the Kraft Corporation which are basically coffins for expatriated crackers, Nazi breadsticks, and cheese flavored industrial caulking compound. I was distracted from this purpose by a diagram of on the side of a Cheez-It box detailing the advantages of the all natural ingredients they don't use.

Getting over this shock I was immediately pounced upon by the stock boys. They are an untrustworthy lot. They began stalking me from behind the rows waiting for me to put something back in the wrong place with an evil make-my-day look glinting in their eye. I retreated to the cashiers' islands in the front of the store, leaving the disheveled stock boys to hunt one another. By this time, I had collected about $130 worth of food and I had 6 dollars and a ticket for a free wash at an abandoned nunnery. After letting the poor cashier girl ring it all up, I told her I couldn't it afford it all and had her deduct items one at a time until it came up to $6.10. The man in line behind started to reach for his gun, but luckily enough the cashier dipped into her life savings and loaned me the dime I needed.

I got home just in time to see a commercial for Valtrex, the medicine that is not a cure for genital herpes. Not having genital herpes but desperately wanting to look like the people in the genital herpes commerical, I immediately set out to contract it and several other things that would make my immune system abnormal.

It is about supression after all.

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