MSTing B5's "Thirdspace"

(Cronan Thompson)

Friends, I see that people who shall remain shameless are heaping praise on this regurgitated excuse for a movie with little care for the gaping plot holes, poor acting, painful dialogue or simply wretched pacing. And there were the completely unnecessary story splinters that screamed alternately CRUSADE, FEATURE FILM and SEQUEL and on occasion all three. Of course we'll thrash those out in other threads. In the meanwhile: I divided this up into three parts, the last third being my personal favorite. Thanks a bunch to JMS for sacrificing his reputation as a good writer who respects the intelligence of his fans to give me something to bitch about. Let's get on with it, shall we?


Sheridan[voice over]: It was the middle of the Earth year 2261
"You know, the part no one ever talks about."

Sheridan[vo]: The Shadow War was over
"Killing our last, best hope for entertainment."

Sheridan[vo]: In the midst of all this, we made contact with thirdspace
"And promptly forgot it."

[Space battle]
[cheer]"Blow'em Up, Blow'em Up WAY UP! Yay!"

[Ivanova uses a successful 'tactic', destroying a few raiders]
Ivanova: Ivanova to raiding party
"That was pretty cool, huh? Over."

Raider: Not a chance
"Patrick Swayze's really hard up for work."

[Ivanova and the raider leader converse]
"To think the lost art of conversation will be rediscovered during pitched spaced battles."

[Raider ship jumps from hyperspace]
[sing]"They rode a blazing spark plug."

Sheridan: This is the White Star fleet to raiding party
"You guys really, really suck. Over."

Raider: Standing down
"Man, Swayze's a real puss."

Ivanova: Are you sure I can't go with you?
"I really sorta liked Dirty Dancing..."

Sheridan: Oh and umm, make sure everyone hears about this
"Disobedience vill not ve tolerated. Zey vill all vend to my vill."

Sheridan: With this embargo against the station we need every supply ship we can get
"Keeping it real simple for all my homeys out there."

[Two brothers argue]
"I'd yawn but I'm afraid of what I might inhale."
"The scent of vapor rub is strong with this one."

[Lyta sees something in hyperspace]
"What did that look like to you?"
"Errr.... well...ummm"
"My thoughts exactly."

"It's not a good sign that keep expecting to see 'Shannon Tweed' in the credits."

[They continue arguing about who slept with whose wife]
"Silk Stalkings as written by Mel Brooks."

[They're still arguing]
"I see JMS is throwing a bone to the AARP."

[Lyta has another vision accompanied by music]
"Say, you don't suppose that might be important, do you?"
"Well it's got Important Music with it so maybe."

Ivanova: Whatever it is, it's huge
"That's a technical term meaning fucking awesome."

Ivanova: Are you there Delta-7?
"Or did you have the sense to get while the gettings good?"

[Ivanova unnecessarily explains details of hyperspacial navigation]
[sing]"She puts the *babble* in Babylon..."

Ivanova: Only a moron would go this far off the beacon on purpose
"Let's prove that no one out morons us, gang."

Ivanova: It could be a trap

Ivanova: It doesn't make any sense
"The universe sure is a wacky, wacky place."

Ivanova: We should be on top of it by now
"Hyperspacial forecast indicate heavy cloud cover in much of hyperspace today with the chances of
evil telepathic relics at better than 60%."

[shot of the object]
"Yes, very wacky indeed."

Ivanova: We're going to launch a salvage operation
"Put it in the lost & found bin and hope no one claims it."
"Can't you just feel the excitement in her voice?"

Ivanova: This thing could be dangerous
"Gee, ya think?"

[Sheridan struts along]
"Today Babylon 5 ponders: what if John Wayne had been... gay?"

Sheridan: It's that big?
Corwin: Bigger
"That's larger than huge but smaller than gargantuan."

[They yank the object through the gate]
"And HEAVE!"

[Lyta limps along in the Zocalo, lots of dead people around]
"Someone's been hitting the Zima again..."

[Strange shadow on the wall]
[announcer]"Here on Babylon 5 we don't just recycle bottles, cans and ideas: we
also recycle tried and true imagery. Our motto is: use it 'til it breaks then use
it some more."

[First good shot of the artifact]
"There's something fairly surreal about finding Thor's hammer in hyperspace."

Vir: I hope you understand that this is a bit awkward for me
"It's just that I've always found you both so attractive."

Sheridan: It's all right Vir. Now what is it?
"They want the 20 bucks you owe them."

Sheridan: Then we have something in common
"Ignorance is the crazy glue of the universe."

Sheridan: All we know is that it's very old
"And belonged to some chap named Thor."

Sheridan: Not at this time, no
"They might drop it and break it or something."

Delenn: The race that constructed this artifact must have been extremely advanced
"Our preliminary study indicates it may even be really, really advanced."

Sheridan: Delenn and I discussed this earlier and decided..
"..that we're gods. Everyone else can piss off."

Vir: They don't trust anyone
"Not even benevolent despots such as yourselves."

Delenn: Would you like me to speak to them?
"And use the awesome force of my eeeeeeviiiiiilll eye?"

Sheridan: You know as well I do that
"It's better to know nothing than know what ain't so."

Delenn: Babylon 5 is a diplomatic station, a Freeport, not a research facility.
"And now you know the REST of the story."

Sheridan: So it'll take us a little longer, that's all
"I mean, it looks user friendly, doesn't it?"

Delenn: Whenever something comes into our proximity that has to do with the
unknown... [Music rising in the background] ...your eyes light up like two
tiny suns
"And your ears make the most beautiful music."

Delenn: And you know what words these two tiny suns spell out?

Delenn: Mine! Mine Mine Mine!
"That too."

Delenn: Minbari do not lie
"And a nudge is as good as a wink to a blind bat."

Sheridan: Damned inconvenient
"It's also nauseating, disturbing and damn near repulsive."

[Sheridan smiles beatifically]
"I'm just so *happy* she knows what I'm thinking before I do."

[looks at artifact]
Sheridan: Ahhh. Besides, it is mine
"'Finders keepers,' 'might makes right' and all that."
"Not trust him? What could they be thinking?"

[Zack with music in the background]
"I don't see how but they've managed to write music that *feels* as stupid as he *looks*."

Zack: Investigation team, this is security
"Was this here yesterday?"

Zack: Suggest you proceed with caution
"And don't drink bleach, either."
"This guy couldn't solve 'Blue's Clues'."

Zack: Until we know what this is and where it came from[pause]
"We won't know what it is or where it came from."

Zack: We have to definitely consider it a threat to station security
"And a great big DUH to all you listeners out there."

Patrol: It is beautiful though
Zack: It is that. But so's a cobra
"Speaking of scaly, poisonous creatures, where's Lyta?"

[Maintenance bot attaches to artifact, fires laser]
"We come in the name of peace, love and cutting lasers..."

Tech: We don't have a lot to go on
"But we're more than willing to make stuff up."

Tech: You were able to fire grapples at the device from a safe distance
Zack: The power drain appears to be short range.
"He's like Maxwell Smart without the shoephone."

Zack[sounding bitter]: They've got sources everywhere
[mimicking]"Always collecting intelligence, not leaving any for anyone else."

Sheridan: I think I have some old-fashioned horse trading to do
"Which is a lot like Bullshit Shoveling but this is a family show."

Zack: I thought the vultures only circled after you were dead
"And brain death doesn't count."

[Tallman tries real hard to act]
"*sigh*, To have never been ravaged by the burden of talent...."
[sing]"Now she knows her ABCs..."

Trent: Dr. Elizabeth Trent.
"Saaaay... Doc Trent's got *back*."

Sheridan: It's certainly a surprise to meet you
"I hate meeting new people too."

Trent: We're aware of the embargo but IPX.. it's a special case
"We've also got special duffels, rucksacks and satchels at low, low prices."

Trent: Let me get to the point, captain
"The one right on the top of your head."

Trent: We'd like access to the artifact parked outside
"And a pony. A pony would be nice."

Trent: You're not set up to investigate a find like this
"When'd you get opposable digits? Yesterday?"
"You're not equipped to investigate a noxious odor on a hog farm."

Trent: But maybe you'll push the wrong button, blow yourself up
Sheridan: I know. Exciting isn't it?
"My nipples are positively rock solid."

Trent: You see there's politics and there's business
"And then there's the business of politics, the politics of business and political businesses. It's
all pretty complicated."

Sheridan: You can come and go as you want?
Trent: That's correct
"Good boy, good boy. Now roll over."

Sheridan: You try it and we'll destroy it
"And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my toys to brake."

[Sheridan asks Trent to bring some cookies for lunch]
"If I didn't know better I'd swear that Paul Ruebens was some how involved with this movie."

Ivanova: The carbon dating indicates that whatever that thing is, it's over a million years old
"Someone's been sniffing something and it ain't carbon."
"But it's that special super sekrut carbon that only appears at midnight when the moon is full
and the periodic table is in full bloom."

Ivanova: This is horrific
"All this food and supplies.. who needs it?"

Ivanova: What exactly would you call this?
Trent: Science
"Special Super Sekrut Science to you."

[Lyta tosses in her sleep along with the Babylon twinkle, shots of the artifact and the space
surrounding B5]
"Twinkle, twinkle little peep..."

[Lyta sits up]
"Must. Write. On. More. Walls."

[On elevator]
Zack: Long day, seems like they just keep getting longer everyday
"Witty as a bag of used Kleenex, he is."

Zack: One damn thing after another
"If it's not Thor's hammer it's getting lost in the shower."

Zack: I wanted to ask you...
"Is that your real hair color?"

Zack: Do you want to go out some time?
"We can double with Sandy and Danny."

Zack: The bottom line is
[Lyta continues to mumble and sweat profusely]
"You suck, I suck. Together we might blow."

Zack: Things have been tough on you lately and I know... I know I can do right by you
"I feel like I just swallowed my own foot to kick myself in the nuts."

Zack: You're the kind of person who makes a guy want to try. There's something about you
"The way you stare into space, your incoherent mumble, your sweaty brow, those sunken eyes... how
can any many resist?"

Zack: Hey, you know, listen:
"I could always go out with Rizzo..."

Zack: I think that I could care for you. [..] I guess I just want to do for you...
"My skin just crawled off my body and began hitchhiking to Florida."

[Zack puts his hand on Lyta's shoulder, she stares at him]
"Grease meets Night of the Living Dead in an elevator."
"The dirty dishwater sloshing about betwixt his ears is finally audible."

Zack: We've got to work together, you know how that goes
"I don't get it. How can anyone be THAT dull? It just doesn't seem possible..."
"Nothing like being blindingly oblivious..."

"Do you think the casting director was drunk, stupid or sleeping with him?"
"The latter most would seem to require the former two, wouldn't it?"

Zack: Well, maybe it was for the best
"Pissing in the gene pool's punishable by death."

"Harry Knowles in SPAAAAAAAAACE."

Knowles: I repeat they are going to ram the artifact
"How terribly frightening, to be rammed by gnats."

Alpha Leader: Take'em down
[Starfurys destroy little bots]
"Yet another rousingly mismatched space battle."
"It's like watching Mike Tyson beat the shit out of Gary Coleman."

[Zack walks]
"And what could sustain the pace of that fantastic battle better than people walking.... slowly"

Zack: Take it down
"I can't decide if he's oozing machismo or radiating incompetence."

Zack: Lyta?
[She pulls a PPG]
"Strange what one must do to get his attention."

[Lyta is dripping sweat and looks sick]
"Oh yeah, bay bee. She is HOT for you, Zack."

[Lyta faints]
"Not many women can throw themselves at the floor with such accuracy."

Franklin: And you can't remember anything since yesterday afternoon
"So now the scene in the elevator is even more pointless."

Lyta: I don't mean to be short with you
"It's just that you have no call to get all snippy with me."

Franklin: It's possible that you were walking in your sleep
"For about a day and a half... happens all the time when in the presence of EVIL!"

Franklin: Can you think of any reason you'd want to destroy the artifact
"It clashes with my hair."

Lyta: Or am I being placed under arrest?
"Never dream of putting a person who breaks the law under arrest."

Trent: A low rated commercial telepath can't sense electronics like that
"But a high rated communist one just might..."

Trent: But that rating was determined before she went to the Vorlon homeworld
"Someone's finally added two to two and gotten the right answer."

Trent: We probably know more about what happened than you do
"Not saying a whole hell of a lot."

[Trent tells them what she knows]
"It's an out of body flashback."

Trent: She felt drawn to the Vorlon homeworld
"But don't we all?"

Trent: He took her as far as their boarder
[Saturn in the background]
"Which is a lot closer than one might think..."

Trent: Lifepods are short range craft
"Really, Doc? Please tell us more."

Trent: She could have survived if the Vorlons hadn't come for her...
"Gosh you're sure smart."

Trent: She may not even know she's doing it
"Why she's veritable Wile E. Coyote, super genius."

Trent: I suggest you keep her under house arrest
"Be still your foul thoughts, woman. That would be the easy way."

Ivanova: Well we do have this little thing called due process
"Which we blissfully ignored while seceding."

Ivanova: We have no proof that this is anything other than an isolated incident
"Of assault on station personnel, breaking and entering, attempted vandalism and being enigmatic without a

Ivanova: In the meanwhile I suggest you look after the artifact and leave the station to us
"We can run it into the ground without your help, thank you very much."

Trent: But if she endangers any of our crew we'll take care of her ourselves and worry about due
process later
"Listen, your kind of common sense rationalism isn't welcome."

Trent: Let's start off with a metallurgical analysis
"It seems to be made of ambrosia."
"That's Greek."
"Oh. Skip it then."

[Object stars to glow]
"Suppose anyone saw that?"
"Hey, it's only a mile across and 2 miles long, who's gonna notice?"

[Tower with lightening and lava and stuff]

[Zoom in on a window of the tower]

[Guy shakes, shimmies and screams]
"It's terrifying!"
"It's scary!"
"It's a man laying on the floor jerking himself about."

Trent: Report 17. A 100 years ago the Centauri gave us jumpgate technology
"And all it cost us was one measly little moon."

Trent: We're picking up readings beyond anything we've ever seen before...
"No foolin'? Gee, I wish that were remotely interesting."

Trent: If I'm right
"I'll probably be correct, even."

Security: So far we've had 10 outbreaks in the last 5 hours and that's just in downbelow
Zack: What kind of outbreaks?
"Itching, rashes, small pustules. Cortizone doesn't seem to help."

Zack: And it all started after the artifact got here?
Security: Definitely. You think there's a connection?
Zack: I dunno
"Weren't there any other applicants for this job? Small chimps, a yak, an empty hatbox maybe?"

[Ivanova's sleeping]
"Wonder why she did her hair then went to bed..."
"If she went to bed without her hair styled, she'd be ugly in her dreams. Duh."

[Ivanova gets up and walks toward the light]
"I thought only intelligent beings dreamed."
[sing]"And all I half to do is dreeeeam dreeam dreeam."

[Ivanova touches stuff]
"Don't touch that! You don't know who dreamt it before you."

[Ivanova sees dreamscape]
"It's like someone took a blowtorch and some duct tape to Neverneverland."

[Vir is there too]
"Jump on into my nightmare, it's warm and gooey!"

Ivanova: What... what... is it?
"Gee, Susan. I'd think you'd know about the birds and the giant phallic symbols."

[Vir is dragged away by two chicks]
"One meets such nice people in one's dreams."

[Lots of lightening and such]
"The 100 Acre Wood experiences its very first quickening as Pooh takes Christopher Robin's head."

[Ivanova wakes up screaming]
"That was the dullest dream I've never had."

Trent: This is not your area of expertise
"Yeah, let her get back to work; go do some carbon dating or something equally silly."

Trent: Science does not pay attention to a clock
"In fact science prefers to take long naps and walks on the beach."

Sheridan: I'm not a xeno-archaeologist. But my wife was
"I once dated someone who rebuilt carburetors. Maybe I should give that a shot."

Trent: Well yes. In a conventional dig that's true but this is hardly conventional
"First of all there's no dirt."

Sheridan: Is that a copy of the hieroglyphs you found on the object?
Trent: Yes
Sheridan: It's Vorlon
"It says, 'he who so ever raises this hammer...'"

Zack: You were going to open up the airlocks... now why?
Deuce: I was going to go for a walk
"That's the most sensible thing anyone's said so far."

Ivanova: Do you have any idea what it would do to this place?
"Not much unless everybody was standing in the airlock at the same time."

Deuce: Because it's outside, it's calling me
"I will be the next Thor."

Deuce: We have to open the door. We have no choice
"Unless you're Ivanova who has successfully fought them off. Hurrah."

Deuce: The others who do not hear the call will not survive
"Can I get a Hallelujah?"
"He's channeling Pat Robertson."

Zack: What was that about a city?
"Oh nothing, nothing. Just go ooze somewhere."

Ivanova: Let me hear if anyone else talks about this
"Large bit of nothing."

Trent: What's the penalty for killing a captain on his own vessel?

Bill: In fairness things have been getting strange since we got here
"In that they're abnormally dull."

Trent: We have to accelerate the program
"Do try, it stalled about 40 minutes ago."

Bill: Someone definitely wanted to shut that down
"Oh pish posh..."

Trent: Let's use our biggest power cell, see if that works
"9 volt or AAA?"

Trent: Bill, we have to do this
"Think of the plot man, the plot!"

Trent: What I'm about to tell you doesn't leave this room, is that clear?
Bill: Yeah
Trent: For 200 years, after we first went into space, ships from Earth would take months to
travel from one planet to another
"It's the History of the World Part 3."

Trent: And travel between the stars, which are 100 of light years apart, was impossible
"And you learned all this from the artifact, did you?"

Bill: Fact is, the way I hear it the Centauri didn't exactly invent jumpgate technology either
"I'd say this conversation brought the movie to a screeching halt but that would imply it was
moving in the first place."

Trent: But I do know that it doesn't open into normal space or hyperspace
"It opens into... the nether regions."

Trent: Call, call it... a thirdspace for lack of a better term
"And the hammer...errr artifact can be our rainbow bridge...errr gateway."

Trent: In thirdspace travel would be almost instantaneous
"That's almost really fast."

Trent: And once we do figure it out, all we have to do is figure out where to put our Noble Prizes
"It'd look great on the dashboard of my El Camino."

Trent: It's gonna put us in the history books in a thousand years
"Which won't matter since they appear to be classified."

Vir: I saw you in a dream last night
"With lightening and thunder and big snake things. What do you think that means?"

Ivanova: With a big black tower about 5 miles high?
Vir: Yes. That's amazing
"When'd you measure it?"
"And was there this giant bear with a radar dish on its head?"

Ivanova: I think we have a problem with the artifact.
"Her lack of insight is sure to be legendary on day."

Crewman: Something's happening
"And it's about damn time."

[People stand around]
"It's so evil it's shocked them to silence."

[They stare out the observation area]
"It's evil continues to do the most hideous things..."

Zack: That means get the hell out here
"Don't make me have to raise my voice again."

[They start fighting]
[monotone]"Such unbridled carnage. Perhaps I should avert my eyes."
"Man, evil's a lot less exciting and attractive than I used to find it."

Ivanova: Engineering reports a 15% power drain
"But Mr. Scott's right on top of it."

Sheridan: This place is too big to get around on foot
"Yet it's filled to over flowing with stupidity."

Zack: I told my men to go hand to hand
"They begged me for pepper spray and stun guns but they needed the workout."

Sheridan: You get to Dr. Trent, maybe she knows what this thing is and what it does
"And idea whose time came and went about 6 days ago."

Ivanova: The question is: what is it powering back up for?
"Probably evil. Just a guess"

[Switch to fighting]
[sing]"Everybody was cartoon fighting."

[Zack orders lockdown]
"Only four broken bones too late."
"Move along folks. Nothing to see here. Move along."

Bill: We've got to do something
Trent: Yes, we do
[Gunshot offscreen]
"Now what possible purpose could that have served?"

[Starfurys maneuver]
"I think I just heard Newton giggle."

[Sheridan and Delenn arrive at Lyta's quarters]
Sheridan: Looks like you had the same idea
Delenn: It seemed like the logical choice
"It's sweet the way they slowly finish each others thoughts."
"Not so great minds are fairly similar after all."

[Lyta's standing in the corner with her eyes glowing]
Lyta[ethereal echo voice]: We tried to stop it. Tried to warn you
"Surely you got our e-mail?"

[The artifact transforms]
"Thor's hammer is a Decepticon."

Sheridan: Lyta once told me that there might some left over programming still inside her
"From her time in Parochial School."
"Or the PsiCorp."
"Same difference."

Lyta[eev]: A race memory
"A race memory that only one person remembers."
[slap]"Why didn't I see it before?"

[Lyta begins a flashback]
[sing]"Let's do the flashback again!"
"Curiously, more of this movie takes place before it happens than when it actually occurs."

Lyta[eev/vo]: We appeared to them as beings of light
"In our beautiful vomit colored craft."

Lyta[eev/vo]: We resolved to storm the gates of heaven itself
"And give Odin, the all father, a big wet tongue kiss."

Lyta[eev/vo]: We would touch the face of god and in so doing
"Feel the rough stubble on his manly jaw."
"I must admit a certain amount of.. disbelief that Norse Mythology turned out to be the one true
universal religion."

Lyta: We forgot that a doorway swings in two directions
"All their wisdom, all their knowledge, not a single clue."

[The gate opens]
"The toilet to hell!"
"Quick, put the lid down!"

[Ships emerge]
"Something wicked, this way comes."
"[shrug]I just always wanted to say that."

Lyta[eev]: They are a power beyond comprehension
"Look like rocket-driven turds to me."

Lyta[eev]: A hunger beyond understanding
"I imagine there aren't many good restaurants in hell."

Lyta[eev]: They are anti-life itself
"I prefer to think of myself as pro-choice."

Lyta[eev]: Telepathic, all of them.
"This sounds familiar, somehow..."

Lyta[eev]: We fought them back
"No satanic turd ever beat a Vorlon, you betcha."

Sheridan: What do they want?
Lyta[eev]: To destroy all life that isn't there own. They believe only they
have the right to exist in the universe. All other lifeforms are inferior and
must be exterminated
"Ooo! Ooo! I know! 'The weak shall perish.'"

Delenn: Why can't they make a gate from their side?
Lyta[eev]: The door must be open on both sides
"After I'm done watching this I shall have to soak my brain in kool-aid for a month."
"So the Vorlons built a gate in the place they wanted to go as well as the place they were in order
to get there... fucking brilliant."

Sheridan: How?
Lyta[eev]: Learn
[Lyta and Sheridan are connected by light]
"The Tongue Kiss Of Knowledge."
"That's how I got mono."

[the turds from hell open fire]
"Some Drano and a plunger would come in real handy right now."
"Flaming balls of mucous: the choice weapon of satanic space turds for millions of years."

Lyta[eev]: Our mistake. One of many. So many.
"It's subtly not subtle at all."
"Is that a... Crusade I smell?"

[Energy drain critical flashing on the monitor]
"That makes almost as much sense as a gas-powered solar battery."

[Ivanova walks into room, draws PPG]
"She certainly has her Diana Rigg/Julie Newmar mojo workin'."

[Bill is dead, Trent is hiding]
Ivanova: What happened to him?
"We were playing hide and seek and it got a little out of hand is all."

[Trent attacks Ivanova]
[sing]"Because violence is a girl's bestfriend."

[They do battle]
"This couldn't be more boring if it were ladies' golf."
"Well, it's got a lesbian, if that helps."
"No... I don't believe it does."

[Ivanova knocks out Trent]
"This fight was choreographed by Hulk Hogan."

[Alien ships in thirdspace]
"Evil certainly seems prone to ostentation."

[Lots of ships assemble]
"What's there battle plan? To see how much collateral damage can be taken with each enemy shot?"

[More silly fighting]
"There are games of Bridge with more excitement."

[Tactical nuclear weapons is written in big letters]
"For use only in cases extra-dimensional aliens. Handle with care."

[Nuke's in a suitcase]
"That's like soap on a rope only different, right?"

[Sheridan flys through space]
[sing]"Go Gadget, Go."
"He forget his cape and tights."

[The fleets exchange fire head on]
"I suppose flanking the enemy would be too much trouble, yes?"
"Probably save too many lives as well

[Fire in the background]
"Evil so evil... it starts random fires!"

[Narn's arm catches a flame]
"Luckily only that one sleeve was covered with jellied gasoline or he might have been in trouble."

[Franklin and Zack are attacked by Vir and others]
"Why is Vir infected but none of the other regulars?"
"Our heroes were clearly too good for the evil to possess them."

[Zack puts Drazi through an inexplicably placed window]
"'Don't want to kill'em', he says. 'Hand to hand to protect them' he says."

[Ships explodiate* all around him]
"Hey! I'm driving over here!"
"The molten shrapnel just bounces off his buns."

[Sheridan floats in through a tube at the back]
"Use the nuke, John. Use the nuke."
[sing]"Roto-rooter, that's his name."

[Sheridan's inside]
"Some one got a Death Star wholesale."

[Sheridan lands and walks normally]
"It's got special super sekrut carbon gravity too."

[He sets the nuke]
"Look Da..errr John, I can see you're really upset about this."

[Space Crab is out to get him]
"Netter Digital: pioneers in Etch-A-Sketch generated visual effects."
"And so Sheridan pulled a thorn from his tentacle and they were friends from then onward."

Sheridan: Flight system, retrace path. Automatic navigation, top speed.
Flight System: Confirmed
[The flight system apparently bobs, weeves, dodges and finds a new exit]
"Smart computer, that."
"Perhaps the best characterization so far."

[Full shot of the Space crab]
"Sure it's a multi-tentacle vaccuum breathing monster of death but at least it's not Zack.
"Or Lyta."

[Massive nuclear explosion that destroys the gate, the enemy super ship but not Sheridan]
"If they made their ships out of that cloth they'd stand a better chance."
"That or blind stupid simple doo-dah clueless writing."

[Everyone stops fighting]
"On God-like Vorlons it's permanent, on humans it's only temporary.
"Why is it I'm overcome with the sudden urge to read Wilde and Beckett?"

[Delenn's all happy and jokey]
[mimicking]"Friends, coworkers, Rangers... all dead. ZOOTY ZOOT ZOOT!"

Sheridan: This isn't funny Delenn
Delenn: Yes it is
"I enjoy seeing the charred remained of colleagues as well."

Trent: I'm sorry for what happened, captain
"But it certainly was a hoot though, wasn't!"

Sheridan: A lot of people fell under the influence of that thing
"Well, except me and my bestest buddies in the whole wide universe."

Sheridan: But we won't mention that part. Makes the conversation so depressing
"And who wants to talk about all the needless deaths you caused?"

Trent: I didn't like the part of me that thing brought out
"She seems to be taking this whole thing way too seriously. Be like Delenn. Laugh 'til your brain

Sheridan: Well, maybe it's a learning experience for you
"So's an After School Special. And fewer people have to die."

Sheridan: Ain't no other kind, Dr. Trent
"So the moral of this story is "No pain, no gain?"

Sheridan[vo]: As Mr. Garabaldi has been known to say from time to time, 'we all lie.'"
"Deep as a Bazooka Joe Comic."
"And much less colorful."

Sheridan[vo]: Because there are times when we don't need the whole truth
"And besides, the truth is MINE MINE MINE MINE!"

Lyta: One mistake. One mistake out of many. So many others
"Say now, *there's* a keen observation that bore repeating."
"I just took a deep whiff and I don't like what that movie just shoveled."

"Wonder why no one thought of Draal."
"Sheridan wanted a fair fight so he snuck inside and blew it to hell. Do you need everything EXPLAINED
or something?"

* explodiate: ineffectual explosions that have no effect on our hero(es)

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