Things I learned from Team Knight Rider

(Cronan Thompson)

For those of you who have never heard of this show it is a sequal of sorts to the orginal show during the mid to late eighties that featured David Hasslehoff and KITT, the talking black car. It was pretty cheesy and wholly unbelievable but for a 10 year-old kid (my age at the time) it was gobs of fun. Going back it is still fun to watch roads appear out of nowhere and enemy supercars pop up all over the place. This show is far worse... needless to say I love it.

  1. When you have Star Trek-level technology for artificial intelligence, matter replication, holographic communication and are out to do good for the world you will immediately build it into talking vehicles that argue with you and each other all the time and especially in comabat/emergency situations
  2. Apparently whatever manner of explosive they were shooting at those fabulous machines had plot continuation sensors. After all, they did manage to, for some unknown reason, always land 2 or 3 meters to the right or left of the intended target forcing them to swerve wildly showing off their advance computers.
  3. All female marines look like former fashion models and truly enjoy wearing really short skirts(because they are more efficent for driving a heavily armed bullet proof vehicle don't ya know)
  4. After being caught performing treasonous acts, including the attempted murder of 900,000+ people, the only thing you will regret (instead of the impending death penalty, betraying your country or the mistakes that got you caught) is the loss of respect from a latino barbie doll
  5. Apparently driving at 100s of miles an hour in a convertable with the top down will NEVER EVER muss your air.
  6. Instead of calling the president and saying, "There is nuclear bomb heading for you. RUN." OR some such thing it is far more efficent to lay waste to a nuclear missle launching facility with 4 semi-autonomous vehicles, hack into the missle guidance system and set off the self destruct on a powered ballistic dive.
  7. The two motor cycles can create matter from thin air and then send it back to the nether regions of spacetime it was drawn from allowing it to become what can only be described as a strange little car that serves no purpose other than being.... a strange little car.
  8. Generals planning a coupe of the US goverment will confess their plans to everyone who comes along even if they have insubstantial amounts of evidence never bothering to see if they have a recording device of some sort.
  9. One can black out an entire state simply by busting up a few panels (that clearly move when you bump into them) in a facility that has no armed guards whatsoever in spite of being in control of the only power plant in all of Virginia
  10. Top secret artificially intelligent cars, in the interests of efficent, will be given the personalities of Ed Mchanon(sp?), a slut, a psychopath, a co-dependant and a narcisist leader with sexist attitudes.
  11. All 5 of these top secret vehicles will get together in the desert to drive about in a 'V' formation for no reason other than it looks sorta cool
  12. The US goverment doesn't really mind that a private organization can overwhelm one of their nulcear missle facilites, has more firepower in one vehicle than the entire platoon guarding the base does and seems to be able to tap into their computers at will
  13. In spite of having: the memory and the computing power to a hold and compare over 500,000 voice prints; bullet and rocket proof armor and the ability to morph, creating matter out of nothingness these cars cannot be programmed to have psychologically healthy personalites or, at the very least, a decent working relationship.
  14. All secret organizations run by private companies, like Team Knight Rider, have huge underground bases, nifty unifroms with neato stripes across the collar and upper chest and a direct feed to the Secret Service, CIA, FBI, Interpol and NSA computer systems
  15. Speaking of the Secret Service: they have a direct connection to Dione Warwick and her psychic friends. Having not been told by TKR that a ICBM is on its way they manage to get the president aboard AFO and call one of the TKR *cars* to let it know what they are up to
  16. Christian Slater has a younger, uglier clone who works for TKR.
  17. The leader guy, after specifically stating that he wanted to enter the missle launch site as quietly as possible, orders the big black truck(codenamed Beast) driven by the big black guy(TM) to laucnh a missle at the compound and then drive straight through the metal gate.
  18. You can see why they picked him to be the leader because he looks the most professional on a team made up from rejects, losers and morons from every major goverment agency.
  19. People with level X(insert whatever number) cleareance will always think they have the highest level of clearence available until they try ot access something at which point the computer will go ahead and TELL them that yes, there are higher clearences but, no, you can't have one.
  20. Psycho-Marines who are willing to launch a nuclear weapon on the captital of the country they swore an oath will use tranquilizer darts on anyone who gets in their way
  21. Said Marines cannot tell the difference between being on a moving plane and one at rest
  22. Airplanes have space shuttle-like airlocks with giant fans that can push a grown man out the door and onto the ground
  23. Passcodes are best left at 3 digits because no computer in the world could get by that level of encryption
  24. No one in the US military platoon guarding an ICBM silo will be able to hit the rider of motorcycle with automatic weapons.
  25. One expression is all you need when a man you admired betrayed his country, lied to you and proceeded to attempt to have you killed. And you have to arrest him.
  26. No one but TKR could arrest him, BTW. Because everyone else was out playing tiddlywinks or something
  27. All super-genius people behave really stupidly until the last 5 minutes of an impending crisis.
  28. In the last five minutes of a crisis you can relax and let the plot take over

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