Things I Learned From Starship Troopers

(Cronan Thompson)

1. It is a very good idea to give your troops beer in hostile territory.

2. In the future all but a very few brown people (particularly those in Buenos Aires) will leave the Terran Federation.

3. A society that will show the dismemberment of humans on camera *live* will censor the death of a cow.

4. An asteroid can cross the galaxy in about an hour.

5. You can go from private to lieutenant without ever having proven you are qualified in about an hour.

6. When a commander finds two of his soldiers in bed and needs them to perform a task he will give them time to finish.

7. Even the white population in the tropics will be uniformly light.

8. People with hispanic or asian names will be white and hispanic respectively.

9. One can join the Federal Service immediately premoted to colonel.

10. The Sky Marshall looks like my mom.

11. Plasma farts are enough to destroy starships in high orbit above a planet.

12. Or worse yet push asteroids to beyond light speed.

13. When attempting genocide against a technologically inferior foe you will not think to drop nuclear weapons more powerful than the hand weapons of your soldiers.

14. One can outrun the backwash of a nuclear grenade.

15. You will have your bombers fly approx 30 feet off the ground and drop weapons that are no stronger than a 20th century bazooka.

16. Tanks, helicopters and other support craft were eliminated by the military genius of the Terran Federation in favor of using volunteers as cannon fodder.

17. It is a *very* good idea to ignore the animosity between the pilots who drop the troops and the troops who have the guns.

18. The guns that protect Earth will be placed on the Moon in a gigantic two dimensional ring.

19. An experienced field commander will walk through a canyon with an enemy of superior numbers in the area.

20. Brains are nummeee.

21. Black leather jackets are perfect for the field.

22. Stabbing your recruits and breaking their arms is a fine way to inspire loyalty.

23. Reloading is not nessecary until there is a closeup.

24. Clips hold about 20 million rounds of ammunition.

25. In the middle of a war to save mankind you will repeatedly run into your old high scool chums.

26. After you have been stabbed through your shoulder with a giant bugs foreclaw toughly the size of a grape fruit you will be able to fire automatic weapons, use knives, swing your arms while runing and hug your buddies in a final show of comradery.

27. In a class room with interactive electronic displays on the desks students will have paper textbooks.

28. People who are missing limbs will be careful not to move the area where the limb should be through space occupied by another person.

29. Did I mention the only black guy who got more than one line died and the black lady got serious acid burn?

30. Although if the world population were to be represented 90+% of them would be non-white in the future this statistic will flip and the MI will be 90+% white.

31. Doogie's descendants are just as annoying.

32. It is possible to control an entire hostile planet without reasonable air support, some type of cavalry and a military force who carry one rifle a peice.

33. The rumbling I heard wasn't the sound. It was my stomach from the bullshit I was force fed.

34. No one bothered to teach the Rico that when your fellow soldier has been run through you do not pull out what is currently holding them together.

35. Everyone is beautiful, in the super model way.

36. It is possible to remain pretty damn clean after a hard day of battling the bugs.

37. Sweat? Who needs to sweat?

38. In the middle of a war with hundreds of thousands of casualties, the good friend/sextoy of the main character will receive a formal military funeral with scads of attendees.

39. For some odd reason, soldiers wear extensive body armor to protect everything but what they need to fight with - their hands and their eyes.

40. While you can capture the bugs and put them in cages, we cannot find ways of dropping large yield devices on them to kill them.

41. High school teachers with one arm make excellent leaders of commando units.

42. It is common military strategy to plan an invasion without even gathering intelligence first.

43. The fate of all wars rests in the actions of a few swell friends.

44. Despite an extensive defense net, no one will notice an asteroid approaching until the last possible moment.

45. Whenever you call home something bad happens.

46. Apparently being good in math equates into being able to fly a ship recklessly.

47. Futuristic space ships will have no means whatsoever of avoiding, deflecting or absorbing massive plasma balls that came from a bug's ass.

48. Gigantic bugs are apparently capable of living underground on desert worlds with no known means of nourishment.

49. Bugs are so good that they can actually break a planet's gravity pull and land on other worlds with no technology.

50. Girls actually want to make love for about ten minutes.

51. The military believes that there's nothing better to cheer up the soldiers than an electric neon violin.

52. Dixie the song will be known by Argentinean kids.

53. News logos only get cheesier.

54. Apparently half the military passed over Harvard to enlist.

55. It is a good idea to build a fort in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason.

56. Said forts supports will be built on the outside so the enemy can attack them with ease.

57. The futuristic air force has no idea what a fuel/air bomb is.

58. Bugs give their planets cool names like Klendathu.

59. Colonels in the intelligence service command missions, experiment on bugs, and do ads.

60. Troops will use nuclear RPGs and grenades without fear of fallout or radiation.

61. If I am in the MI, I won't request cybernetic legs...I'm only allowed cybernetic arms.

62. If I am flying a drop-ship on a rescue mission, I won't use my numerous gun mounts on the invading hordes and clear out some space. I'll send my co-pilot out with an assault rifle--it makes much more sense.

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