Cronan Went On The Usenet

(Cronan Thompson)

From: "Plain and Simple Cronan" <>
Subject: Cronan went on the Usenet
Date: 07 Jun 1998 00:00:00 GMT
Message-ID: <6lf5ja$ppd$>
Organization: Wierd

David Thompson wrote
> By my reckoning, the Shadow War didn't really get going until "Inter-
>ludes and Examinations", which was in August 2260 according to the
>voiceover. The stuff before that was sparring and minor skirmishes, not
>a full-blown conflict. ITF was about a third of the way into 2261, so
>that gives you a war of about nine months.

Troy Heagy wrote
>...versus the Iraqi War which lasted 100 hours.

Troy, you've inspired a song in me.

"Cronan Went On The Usenet"
[Sung to Charlie Daniels Band's "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"]

Cronan went on the Usenet
He was lookin' for a new special friend
He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind
And he was bored right off his rear end

When he came across this fanboy
Typing on his keyboard and postin' tons o' snot
Cronan leaped up off his comfy chair
And said, "Troy, let me tell you what

"I guess you didn't know it, son
But I used to be a fanboy too
And if you'd care to be cured of it
I'll lift it off of you

"Now you talk in silly riddles, boy
But give this man his due
I bet a week of troll free posts
'Cause I think I can cure you too"

Then Troy said "My name's Heagy
And while it's certainly uncouth
I'll take your bet and you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the most pitiful in this here roost"

Troy oil your up your keyboard
And stretch the truth real hard
'Cause Cronan's on the Usenet
And he uses real purdy words

And if you win
This place'll have one troll less
But when you lose
Cronan burns your dress

Cronan did a sinful dance
And he said "I'll begin this game"
And fire flew from his fingertips
In yet another attempt to inflame

And he pulled the doops across his flames
And they made an evil hiss
Cook then DB and even Dan Tropee
Were all flung into the abyss

When the Cronan finished Heagy said
"Well you're pretty good, young man
But in the end I'll always win
Because illogic and I're kin!"

Cronan bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
And he left Heagy to his craze
Troy went on to suck at JMS' teat

Heagy said "Cronan, just come on back
When you're a fanboy again
But I told you once, you bad ole troll
I'm a fanboy like none that's ever been"

Some of the doozies you come up with (the Robin Hood/King Arthur one is still
my fave...) leave me wondering how long it takes your mind to hammer reality
into this week's mold. Do you use physical force or blunt psychological
trauma? Have you ever re-read one of your posts and wondered how many innocent
facts were mortally wounded in its creation? Are you so cold-hearted as to
continue your almost genocidal rage against logic and common sense? Are you
aware that your posts are the logical equivalent of gay Christian Coalition

Why, Troy, Why?

I grant you that the need for substance in an empty life often leads to
instability but surely you can at least make an attempt. For the sake of those
who love and care for our sanity, might you attempt to put a halt to your all
out assault on those who do not wish to live through the nuclear winter that
surrounds each of your bombing raids?

Consider what I have said this day, Fair Heagy, and know that I wish only the
best for you, a fellow whose ability to troll on the most arcane subjects
I admire greatly.

Thank you.

...and some people say Troy's boring! He's more entertaining than a small
child, nude porn star and a sharp object in a tilt-a-whirl operated by a dead

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