Cronan's Words of Wisdom

(Cronan Thompson)

1. Always remember the Fundamental Interconnectedness of All Things.

2. Santa Claus was killed by the Easter Bunny. He couldn't handle the competition.

3. Money comes and goes; your Hard Drive is forever.

4. People named Billy Bo Bob Jim suck.

5. Always beware of anything said by a person with a smile.

6. The Power Rangers had potential and look what happened to them.

7. I'm the Cronan, gotta love me.

8. Trust no one.

9. James Bond is the coolest man ever born.

10. You can tell how big a hero is by his theme music.

11. Nothing is as dangerous as the Christian Coalition.

12. The C.I.A. is listening.

13. So are the F.B.I..

14. And don't for get the Pope.

15. Use the Force, Luke, use the force.

16. Do or do not, there is no try.

17. Ezeikel 25:17

18. Cronan says, "My buns are like a box of chocolates: Dark and squeezeable."

19. You can fool some of the people some of the time and the rest you can get with advertising.

20. All women on Star Trek look good in leather.

21. Bugs Bunny makes a better girl than guy.

22. Popeye must be pretty damn desperate to fight Bluto over Olive Oyl.

23. Kzin make nasty nannies.

24. Beware the man who believes in honest politicians.

25. It's me Bob.

26. When you stick Mike & Ike candys in your ears, anything you say makes a delightful echo.

27. Guns don't kill people, people do. But it is the guns that put the little holes in people.

28. Jackie Chan could kick both Van Damme and Segal's asses, at the same time, with a hand tied behind his back and blind folded.

29. Play nice.

30. Vingy Vingy Vingy

31. Beware the man with four legs and two noses.

32. When the blue dog walks by the guava cat the sky turns orange.

33. Republicans blow, Democrats suck.

34. When trapped on an alien space craft do not push the big red button.

35. I am immortal born in the ..... er, sorry, wrong guy.

36. The mother of all fuckups is shooting yourself in the foot with a waffle. Think about it. How in all hell do you shoot yourself with a waffle?!?

37. Always wear clean underwear when beaming aboard an alien mothership.

38. Die well.

39. I read the bible. Good book, compelling story, the ending sucked and was a little disappointing.

40. Hakuna Matata.

41. Why does the Pope drive around in an armored vehicle? If there's anyone who is anxious to get to heaven, he should.

42. When falling off of a skyscraper in New York, be sure to wave to the people underneath you.

43. New York is like a box of choclates. Overpriced, appetizing to the insane, smells bad after a couple of days in the sun, and tastes best when filled with alcohol.

44. It is against FCC rules for news casters to not have really fake looking white teeth.

45. Life should be more like sitcoms, all problems solved within 30 minutes with ample commercial breaks.

46. The truth is out there. The problem is I don't want to find it.

47. Saturday morning cartoons are like acid for really young kids.

48. Sean Connery, Dick Clark, and William Shatner are immortal.

49. The secret to life is to make sure you take credit for everyone elses triumphs and they get credit for your mistakes.




53. In the newest edition of the COMMERCIAL BIBLE, Jesus was delivered by Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny helped him roll the rock away from the cave on easter.

54. When you put on underwear straight from the dryer it feels GOOOOOOOOD.

55. Baseball would be more interesting with knives and explosives in the outfield.

56. I was once told that life was created by an old white man with a long beard. I find this easier to believe than most in that only an elderly white gent with to much hair in his eyes could have fucked things up so perfectly.

57. Kicking people in the head is a no-no.

58. Lightsabers are bad fingernail clippers.

59. Life is a scary thing. Better bring a peice of soap.

60. Tribbles and Vorlons hold the answers to the universe. They wear no clothes!!!

61. The US was late for the last two world wars, so they're making damned sure they'll be on time for the next one!

62. Lo', though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death we shall fear no evil, for we are the baddest motherfuckers in the whole goddamn valley!

63. The number one sign you need more prozac is when you begin to measure time in increments of possible unconcioususness.

64. I have, by being an asshole, done more for world peace than anyone else ever has. Thanks to me the Neo-Nazis, Klu Klux Klan, Black Panthers and Nation of Islam have all put aside their disagreements in order to hunt me down and hang me up by my short and curlies.

65. In a world where Bill Clinton can be elected president (of anything), Demi Moore is consider talented, and the Louis Farrakhan is a leader of thousands, I see no reason why I should not be considered a god.

66. GUN CONTROL : The means by which to insure that any politician stays honest.

67. The absolute worst movie you ever saw is more likely to be embedded in your memory than a mediocre movie.

68. Van Damne, Seagal and Stallone are three of the four horsemen of the cinematic apocalypse. Any suggestions as to the fourth?

69. Smoke a cigarrette, slit your throat. Same difference. At least while smoking you get to piss off alot more people and look alot cooler...

70. Opinions are *not* like assholes. They are more like nipples really. Some people like theirs stroked, others like them rubbed, still others peirced and the most unique among us have three or four.

81. Numbers 71 thru 80 are classified.

82. I enjoy my delusions of grandeur.. why shouldn't you?

83. God put me in charge.

84. I am god.

85. Go with god. Come back pregnant. Look what happened to Mary.

86. On the other hand, egos *are* like assholes. Everyone, no matter how strange, has one; they vary in size and shape; your sexual orientation can have a great effect upon it and the stench, although variable, is always present.

87. Politics is essentially a pissing contest with lots of money behind the urine streams.

88. "Those wizened prognosticators of old foretold what was destined to be using techniques thought lost in the mists of antiquity. They spoke of a man, a man plain and simple yet with the potential to safeguard mankind from the coming dangers. He is Cronan, our only hope." -- Wisened Old Guy wearing no pants by the freeway

89. If I had my way, I would be running down the street naked with my hair on fire masturbating to LaBamba singing LaCucaracha while shooting people with an assault rifle.

90. If I were in charge, the world would still be slightly less f***ed up!

[Alternate: If I were in charge the world would still be f***ed but at least I would be happier!]

91. ST Fans are suffer from Abused Wives Sydrome: They are constantly spit on, used and all around abused. Paramount, realizing this, promises to change and they run back for more.

92. God said unto me, "Fuck off." And I did.

93. The farthest point from any other is the one right next to it.

93. When shit happens you should do shit about that shit in order to get to higher plane of shit so you can shit on others.

94. Sanity and comprehension are all too often contradictory conditions.

95. I often find my opinions stick out like an erection in a lesbian bar.

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