Things I Learned From X-Files: The Movie

(Cronan Thompson)

It had to be done, yes? But before we begin I'd just like to make a comment on something that I noticed in this movie: Scully is almost always The Standard Woman in Jeopardy. Mulder always needs to turn back for Scully or save Scully or cure Scully. It's damn near insulting that Mulder has to constantly save this woman who has a medical degree. And a gun. And such a smashingly utilitarian wardrobe.

1. You know that point in every horror movie you've ever seen where the guy starts down that long, dark alley and you say, "Don't do it you big stupid!" but they don't listen? Yeah, well, that particular moment has been with us since 35,000 BC.

2. The inhabitants of North Central Texas haven't changed much in the last 35,000 years.

3. The conspiracy uses big digital timers for ease of use on all their explosives.

4. To prevent a plague from highly contagious corpses put them in the middles of a population center then blow them up. Don't incinerate them or anything. That would leave no evidence of any kind.

5. While Africanized bees are reputed to be more hostile than their American cousins, what is rarely publicized is their deep sense of ironic timing

6. Strangely enough, taking a jog through millions of these angry bees which have just been released from confinement is perfectly safe and a recommended activity for the FBI agent in need of excercise.

7. There's nothing like a meaningful glance... every 5 minutes to hammer across that there's something really friggin weird going on around here. Give and receive these glances whenever possible. Dramatic tension? Who needs that? We've got people LOOKING at each other....

8. When searching for people who have just bullied there way into a government installation don't actually search. Too time consuming. Just walk into the center of a room with dripping cadavers, stand there and leave.

9. Most cell phones won't work if they're in a metal room in a big building. Scully's not only works inside of a freezer in the morgue in a Naval hospital but does so with a crystal clear reception.

10. Mulder and Scully, never having heard of the vibrate setting, will install extra loud ringers in their cell phones should they go deaf while being shot at by the people tipped off as to their presence by their cell phones.

11. Did you know it's possible to hibernate for a billion years in the form of a virus? It's true. And this virus... well it.. ummm well it's really big and looks like oil.

12. While I was under the impression that vaccines prevented disease it appears I and the dictionary are way off base. See what they actually do is retro-actively cure disease. It's a fact. Scully's a doctor and it worked on her.

13. Military gynecologists are among the best informed, most insightful people in the world with long standing knowledge of government conspiracies. (While I have precious little experience with OB/GYNs I'm forced to speculate that his special skills was indispensable as his specialty was mentioned many, many times.) How many of your family photo albums feature prominent pictures of people you don't remember?

14. After making clear that you want someone kept alive immediately shoot them in the head. While this may not make sense to you and I neither does having an ambulance waiting somewhere for Scully to get stung by a bee that she picked up in Texas.

15. Aliens have a knack for infesting Scully with... whatever strikes their fancy.

16. The alien mothership features standard bad guy security in that it is completely ineffective at actually securing much of anything. Mulder manages to not only sneak onboard but leave with Scully.

17. When you're an alien for whom cold slows the spawning process.. move to Antarctica. This makes it easier to administer history's first retroactive vaccination.

18. Did you know that suspended animation can be undone by simply breaking the ice entombing the suspendee? Neither did I but I know now. Silly, huh? Those wacky conspiratorial aliens and their crazy contrapitionations.

19. Antarctica has an international airport (with a Budget Rent-a-Car no less) for the traveler who needs to get across the barren wastes to... nowhere in particular.

20. Handing someone a dead bee in a jar has deep meaning beyond the obvious, "Hey! I killed a bee! And put it in this jar!" I'm guessing here but as far as can be told that bee saved the X-files by scaring the shit out of grown people who are ostensibly top ranking Justice Department Officials...

21. Corn, for some as yet inexplicable reason, is key to the future of the human species (I ventured the theory that the reason the Brain has failed to take over the world thus far is that few, if any, of his schemes have involved actual corn on the cob).

Look, other than "The Truman Show" and "Out of Sight", which was DAMN GOOD btw, this is one of the best movies I've seen all year. That is so very, very sad.

...go see "Out of Sight", George Clooney isn't annoying.

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