Cronan's Conversation With God

(Cronan Thompson)

God met me on the street one day. She said, "Hi! Cronan. How are things?"

God and I are very close so I, of course, kissed her left big toe and said, "Good, Good. Really like the way you're running that universe thingie."

"Oh, great," she says to me. "Glad you like it. Not that it really matters mind you, but I'm always glad to get positive feedback. You know Cronan, I'm about to introduce something new to the universe."

"What might that be oh Lord Creator and Knower of the All?"

"Cronan," she said in that jovial reproving tone that all gods have, "It's a secret."

"Ahh... please?!?"

"Ohhh... I dunno. Promise you won't tell?"


"Thatta boy! Okay. Exploding sandwiches."


"Don't yah see? I'm gonna alter the laws of physics just ever so slightly so that whenever mustard and meat come in contact... BOOM! It'll be a hoot. People'll love it and it'll stop all wars."

"Err... if you say so. You are God and all," just as her beeper goes off.

"Sure am. John Paul needs another favor. See ya."

Several months later...

"Hello Cronan."

"Mmmph mmmph..."

"Oh let me fix that for you."

"Gee thanks. I lost my jaw last week in a mustard accident."

"How's that? You didn't put it on meat did you?"

"Indirectly. I had eaten this hot dog..."

"No meat there."

"Right. And it had some mustard on it see..."

"Get on with it."

"Well a few hours later I ate some steak and there was some mustard residue on my one of my teeth..."

"Oooh... pretty awful."

"Yeah, well. It's worse than that. The Palestinians have started cow bombing Isreal, the IRA has been using mustard capsules and Shepard's Pies to parts of London AND India has threatened Pakistan and China with strategic Mustard raids."

"Not quite how I planned... but oh well. Can't get a strike everytime, right?"

"But you're GOD!! You know everything about the universe. It's yours."

"Nitpicker. I've gotta go."

"But what about the Mustard problem?"

"I'm sure it'll work itself out. Bye now. Brush your teeth between meals."

[...God's name is Delilah, by the way]

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