The GodFAQ:
How the Universe Really Works
Translated into a human tongue for the first time

by Cronan Thompson

1. What is the fundamental principle behind the universe?

For Gods: Whatever you do, DON'T press the big red button marked DESTROY EVERYTHING in big flashing neon letters.

For Mortals: We're fucked anyway, let's get drunk.

2. Is there really a god?

Yes. There are in fact several hundreds of them on Earth alone.

3. Did gods create the universe?

No, but they did create its fundamental principles.

4. What is man's place in the universe?

Just to the left of the Undulating Overgongorlater of Riphus 12 and to the right of that fungus that grows on Deta Obdulon.

5. You mentioned there are several hundred gods on Earth alone, what forms have they taken?

Only those that wish their current identities divulged will be mentioned here. Thus far only two have volunteered. The god whom you know to have founded Christianity has currently taken up the form of a fat, black, transsexual, lesbian midget who goes by the name Delilah. S/he currently resides in Baton Rouge and laments her creation. The other is this FAQ's maintainer, Plain and Simple Cronan.

6. Are all gods equal?

No. There is a class structure (see table below).

Hierarchy of the Gods

Class Mortal? Lifespan (in Earth years) # currently on Earth (approx.) Powers Comments
Sub-etha yes 500 +/- 175 at any given time Limited to the creation of rudimentary life forms. Responsible for the creation of politicians and single celled organisms on Earth.
Junior no (but can be killed using Spam) N/A 85 Small miracles and mass teleportation Many of the Greek, Egyptian and Norse gods were of this class.
Senior no (but some have various weaknesses) N/A 50+ Larger miracles and instantaneous travel Maintainers of reality. Q is beleived to be based on a Senior God.
General Purpose no N/A 12 Virtually unlimited on planet of origin This FAQ's maintainer is a GPG. They do most of the real work. Some work as angels for Duct Tape-Class Gods.
Duct Tape no N/A 7 Upper limit is unknown God/Delilah, Allah and the rank's namesake and a few others are of this class. Most nap for centuries at a time. Highest attainable class.
Classified no N/A Classified Classified Cannot be promoted to this level by any known means. Believed to have designed the universe. Highest known class.

7. How is a god promoted?

Unexplainable in human terms.

8. Say I wanted to pray; which God should I pray to, the kind that would actually perform the miracle I request, or those of the Duct Tape rank?

Neither. We don't listen.

9. Which religion has the most gods behind it?


10. Why have I never heard of THE TRUE RELIGION before now?

Ignorance is no excuse.

11. Who created the gods?


12. How did you become a god?

I was born.

13. Hey, can you prove any of this?

No. I don't have to prove my existence. I am a god. By being a god everything I say must either be taken on faith or ignored.

14. What if I choose to ignore it?

You will wake up and find yourself dead.

15. What kind of god needs a starship?

Primarily Sub-Etha and Junior.

16. What are the laws of physics in relation to the gods?

Like underwear to mortals: optional and supportive.

16. Who laid down the laws of physics?

A Duct Tape ranked god who, in a fit of sanity, decided that order was the "way to go."

17. How do the Senior (and above) gods maintain the universe?

Through the Fundamental Interconnectedness of All Things.

18. Is the universe that unstable that it needs constant maintenance?

Yes. The unknown gods did such such a horrible job that the damn thing would fall apart without us.

19. Why can't the gods redesign it?

We would lose our control over time and space.

20. So we suffer because you want to stay in power?

That's about the size of it.

21. Are there any rules the gods must follow?

One: Mortals are not to be destroyed.. You must get other mortals to do it for you.

22. What the hell kind of rule is that?

If told you, I would have to get your mother to kill you.

23. Is a god's ass water tight?


24. How can something as inefficient as the universe you present continue to exist?

You misunderstand: if the universe were efficient, most species (particularly the Greedy Horsehonger Devourer of Ooodulon Sigma, which eats only the third toenail from the right on the left foot of an animal three times the length of a terrestrial killer whale) would cease to exist. Biological life is a marvel of inefficiency in design, form and function. Everything from your method of reproduction (which is a lot of fun but not very good for you) to your digestive systems are woefully slipshod.

25. Could you sum up the gods' relationship to the universe in human terms?

I will try. The universe is like Microsoft: no matter how much you hate it does have the market cornered in most regards. There are other options, only they aren't very attractive, probably because they involve nonexistence, and for the most part are just as inefficient when they don't. We, the gods, are like the smaller companies that constantly churn out patches, upgrades and write maintenance software that keep it from constantly crashing and needing to be rebooted.

26. Couldn't you just switch to a real operating system like Unix?

If Microsoft and WindowsTM represent the universe then Unix would represent a higher plane of existence reserved for the gods. If we allowed mortals to come into our realm they would more than likely cause the same problems we have in the Windows universe.

27. These crashes you speak of, when do they happen?

Every billion years or so. Usually we fix the problem before the corruption becomes too extensive.

28. Corruption?

Usually a crash results in the rare conditions needed for organic life to exist. We try to stop it before the entire universe fills up with it.

29. So I guess you're trying to say that the plane mortals reside upon is like a PC running Win95?

Pretty much.

30. Is it really that bad? Maybe it's really more like a Mac or something?

Yes. And if only it were.

Mini-FAQ about the FAQ's origins

1. What was this FAQ's original language?


2. How long has the FAQ existed?

It appeared roughly 23 seconds after the first Thursday.

3. Who wrote it?

I don't see how that is relevant.

4. Why was it just translated into a human language?

Only a high ranking god born of this planet had the intellect and experience necessary to simplify this FAQ and put it into human terms.

5. Who was the translator?

Plain and Simple Cronan.

6. Why was this FAQ's original purpose?


Go to the Online Tribute to Cronan Thompson.