A Plain and Simple Series, #10

He Who Is Trek

(Cronan Thompson)

Or: As I become HE WHO IS TREK

        And unto him came an angel. The angel, with
voice most sweet, said, "Cool." and it was so.
        As I fall toward my apotheosis I see my destiny
taking shape. A great and powerful destiny unlike that
of any other mortal. For I, the Gene Roddenberry
reincarnate, will mold Trek to my undying will. I will
take Trek to new heights never dreamt of before by the
pathetic fools who ruin it. Only my power can save Trek
from the likes of the evil Viamount. Trek will cease to
be a franchise and continue on as an institution. All
humanity will know my truth. No one will dare doubt the
changes I make. I, like the creator before me, will be
infalible. My first series of changes will be to TNG
and TOS. I would rerecord all the dialogue using the
voice of Paul Rueben(Pee-Wee Herman for the
unenlightened) I would then retouch every episode to
shorten those incredibly conservative dresses worn by
the female officers. All the mistakes forced upon Trek
by the evil network would be undone. My next work would
be an overhaul of the actors on Trek's current
incarnations. Here is list of the actors I would

On Voyager

  Kate Mulgrew: Due to her lack of unrealistic cleavage
she underqualified to helm a starship. All females in
my Trek will be so top heavy they couldn't do a situp
if thier life depended on it. In her stead I would
replace her with one of the ummmmmm... extremely
talented actresses from Baywatch, Hercules or Xena.
  Robert Picardo: Why would a hologram be limited to
looking like an unattractive bald gentleman? I would
immeadiatly replace the Picardo with Fabio. We must
draw in that mid-western housewife audience.
  Robert Beltran: Easily replaced with one of the
actors from F-Troop.
  Garret Wong: Jackie Chan would make a much finer ops
officer with his far more impressive spinning back
kick. His inability to speak english could be easily
explained as a perpetually broken universal translator.
  Roxanne Briggs-Dawson: All Klingons should be played
by women wearing really sharp prosthetic teeth and
cleavage enhancing metal bras.  Dawson is incapable of
filling out the latter so we must use a far better
actress: Marina Sirtis.
  Jennifer Lein: Although a cute smurf, she is not all
that convincing as a telepath. Either replace the
actress with that little twin girls, The Olsens
(Michelle from Full House), or have her wear the same
outfit she did in Exit to Eden.
  The evil actor who portrays the vile character known
affectionately as a ButtUgly boy: I think that using
today's technology the "The evil actor whose name shall
not be mentioned to preserve the integrity of this
article" could be replaced by that muppet thing on Fox
After Breakfast.

On DS9

  Avery Brooks: Since the third season he has begun to
sound more and more like the good Rev. Al Sharpton. Why
not just replace him with Al Sharpton? We all know that
Al Sharpton is one of the greatest actors ever born
(any one who can say what he says and keep a straight
face is damn good by any standard).
  Nana Visitor: Ever since Kira became the whinnie brat
of DS9 I have considered having her replaced by a
strong and intelligent actress who would bring back the
old Kira. My first choice would be Shannon Tweed. Never
heard of her? Well watch Cinemax or Showtime at 3:00 am
and you will see her, nine times out of ten nude, and
always doing a bang up job of running around playing a
psychobitch. My second choice would be Carrie Fisher of
SW fame. Talented actresses like these are just what
DS9 needs.
  Alexander Siddig: I would immeadiatly negotiate with
the US goverment to get several of the World Trade
center bombers on work release. What DS9 really needs
is more fanatics.
  Rene with the hard to spell last name: Despite having
talent the actor has to go because his name is to hard
to spell! He should be replaced by someone with four or
at the top 6 letters in thier last name.
  Micheal Dorn: Easy to spell name but all Klingons,
male or female, should be played by women. Women are
much better at being threatening and predatory.
Especially when you pinch them without permission. How
about Cindy Crawford?
  Terry Farrell: Either put her in leather or ship her
  Cirroc Lofton: Replace him with the guy who plays
  Armin Shermerman: Another had to spell name. Gotta
go. The public can't be expected to remember such
things. Six letter names. He can change his name to
Armie Sher or he is out. With a little Roger
Rabbit-esque cutting he could be replaced by Beavis and
Butt-head. That would be cool.

        My final step would be to replace all of the FX
with pieces of cheese. Meunster, White American, Blue
and Swiss are just a few of the great cheeses that will
fly thru space doing battle with each other.
        Suggestions? Comments? This may be your one and
only chance ot influence HE WHO IS TREK. Anyone know
what Paramount's e-mail address is? I would love to
send them my ideas which they will be forced to adopt

Capt. Cronan Thompson

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