A Plain and Simple Series, #17

Biblical Science Fiction

(Cronan Thompson)


        In the beginning there was light and it was all
right, not great mind you, but better than okay. Then
came pants. A thoroughly dreadful revelation designed
to suppress all the light that lies below ones belt.
And evil came from within these pants. The suppressed
light could not resist the overwhelming nature of these
garments forced many to seek refuge in their hair. And
so Babylon 5 came into being and the darkness was
lifted from our squidgy bits. Some breathed a sigh of
relief but others were more cautious. Those wizened
prognosticators of old foretold what was destined to be
using techniques thought lost in the mists of
antiquity. So chilling was the grave prediction given
from on high that many could not believe and laughed,
"Thou art mad. Twill never happen." But it did. And
Voyager was born to the pain and agony of the
enlightened. And Voyager begat a great plague so
virulent that but a select few gave up all hope that a
cure would come. For unto the illuminated they said,
"Voyager is not bad." But it was. And so it was that
those infected became blinded to the tender caress of
truth's expansive and enheartening song.
        And the caliginous varlets ruled. It was a
shadowy time. It was an unholy time. Throughout the
land many were infected those strong of will and clear
of purpose were healed. But still too many were
afflicted with the blight misguidedly referred to as
Star Trek. As the darkness pummeled the knowledgeable
threatening to plunge them all deeper into the shadow a
warrior arose who had once anguished under the cruel
scourge. That warrior, armed only with an astonishing
wit and a justice dispensing keyboard went forth to
kombat the pernicious brutes. The people of the holy
net rejoiced in chorus. For the defenseless among them
finally had a protector. The strong had an ally and
supporter. And so it has been written... so it has been
and so it always shall be.... at least until I find
something better to do.
        I got something. How about a disaster movie
where a volcano on Mars, say Olympus Mons, becomes
active again because of the Great Red Spot on Jupiter.
A team of scientists(headed by a dashing teenage genius
and several super models turned scientists) must travel
to Jupiter in a really luxurious space shuttle with
artificial gravity, land on the surface, stop the spot
before her super tornado winds blows Mons into activity
begin Mars on a collision with Earth. Luckily once they
get there Jupiter it turns out that the Spot is really
the eye of a sleeping giant who was only going to play
hand ball with Mars. He immediately sets everything
right but nor before gratutious nudity, violence and
dogs. Oh an a rousing chase from Earth to Jupiter to
Mars in about an hour. Then we can go for a picnic on
warm and sunny Pluto(like the dog)
        We'll call it Mars' Volcano Twister Peak. I AM
GONNA BE SO RICH. Who wants to help me write it? We
could make millions. Millions I tell you!!!

Capt. Cronan Thompson

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