A Plain and Simple Series, #24

Lust in Space: Another bullshit translation

(Cronan Thompson)


        If you were you were to slink on over to
http://www.pathfinder.com/ew/970919/features/trek/index.html you might
find some interesting statments in classic bullshit that are in
desperate need of translation. Allow me to help. Fortunately for you all
I am expert in bullshitese.

        {"Excellent work," drones Russ. "But if you disobey my orders
again, I will be forced to..."  "I will be forced...to mount you!"
squeals Ryan unexpectedly, before keeling over in giggles.}
        We are fully aware that 7 of 9 has no real character potential
and so are the cast and crew. We feel it only proper to inform them that
she is a cheap ploy in a dying season. Don't tell the fans though. They
actually believe we have an iota of respect for someone who still
watches the show!

        {"We wanted to shake things up," explains coexec producer
Brannon Braga. "Star Trek has been somewhat of a sterile show. Could it
use an infusion of sexuality? Absolutely."}
        "We need ratings so bad I have sleeping with several Neilson
families. All for naught however," shouts Braga from the ledge he
teeters on. "Star Trek has been a somewhat tasteful show. And then *I*
showed up."

        {The producers agreed and blamed the downer premise: a lost
Federation crew trapped in a remote area of the galaxy, with microscopic
hope of getting home. "This was a very uptight show," observes Braga.
"All the characters were depressed and didn't want to be there--so why
would the audience? We decided to embrace the adventure, to accept their
predicament, and to start having a good time." }
        Seeking to shift the blame to someone or something that could
not fight back they pblamed the premise that they created. "We weren't
creative enough to right for the paranoid and claustrophobic setting we
had created," blathered Braga. "The thus far non-existent characters
seemed too depress everyone who watched. We have no idea why. Although
they are supposed to be stranded, destitute and struggling we decided to
make it a party."

        {Ryan has a few clues where her role could lead, however. Some
showbiz stargazers have already pegged her as one of fall's breakthrough
beauties; on the other hand, playing one of the first new characters
added to an established Trek show, she must win over the craggy,
conservative fan base. Feeling a wee bit of pressure, Jeri? "Thanks for
bringing it up!" mock-shrieks the former costar of NBC's 1996 sci-fi dud
Dark Skies. "Yeah, it's a bit daunting to think how fans will receive
Seven. It's a big question mark." }
        Ryan, after struggling for several hours to breath, couldn't
find a clue after it was lost in the black hole created by the immense
pressure of her skintight spandex.. Some showbiz stalkers have already
collected several pairs of her underwear; on the other hand playing
walking wet dream for fanbase that is reputed to contain a predominantly
intelligent lot she must win them over using hormones to circumvent and
short-circuit their brains. Can you breath, Jeri? "I lost for maxipads
the otherday. They simply popped into non-existence!" crys the former
costar of another horrible show. "Yeah, it's a bit scary to think that
these wonders of modern science will affect fandom. Hopefully it will
resuly in many stains on sheets."

        {Overheated commentary immediately jammed Trek sites: "Hot! Hot!
Hot!... I think I'm in love!" exclaimed one AOL post. Sniffed another:
"Somehow the phrase 'Lowest Common Denominator' keeps running through my
mind." Back at the show, cast reaction was equally trepidant. Recalls
Robert Picardo, who plays Voyager's holistic Doctor: "The concept
[seemed to be] to put a female on who was so attractive, a guy
channel-surfing would hit on Voyager, the remote would just fall out of
his hand, and he would spend the rest of the night drooling in front of
the set."}
        Since the internet is where every single Star Trek fan is we
decided to use an AOLer as our representative. Because this is
propaganda rag we will refer to those who choose to believe that 7 is an
LCD ploy as snooty. Back on the show, the one cast member who had a pair
large enough to speak out was coincidentaly forced to choose 7 of 9's
outfit. "We thought it a fitting punishment for independant thought,"
said Braga. "We attempt to stiffle it at every turn but it pops up every
now and again.

        {RYAN'S HOPE: "I think it's important to see someone who is
overtly sexy and has a  brain" }
        Unfortuantely my character is neither intelligent nor sexy to
those who don't consider plastic a sentient lifeform.

        {"Wow! Jeri Ryan is probably one of the few women who could
actually make a Borg in full prosthetics look oh-so-sexy. Drooool!!!"
posted one overexcited AOL fan. Perhaps Spock's Vulcan motto should be
amended to ''Love long and prosper.''}
        This one requires no translation.

        I hope this helps any of you who were confused.

-- Plain and Simple Cronan, X O of the USS Megadittos <*>
"It's good to be the King" - Mel Brooks, The History of the World Part 1

Return to the Cochrane Collection.

Return to the Online Tribute to Cronan Thompson.