A Plain and Simple Series, #25

Voyager review

(Cronan Thompson)

[NOTE: Unfortunately, I don't know what episode he was


        Yes Jesus loves me for Voyager tells me so.
Come along and sing with your Friendly Neighborhood
Cronan. Thanks to this episode I know that whoever runs
heaven (or quite possbily hell) loves me quite a bit.
In fact they may be, depending on your interpretation
of my life, infatuated with me.
        I loved hating this episode. Spoilers to
        From start to finish I was so thoroughly
entertained by this episode that I may have missed some
details so you will just have to forgive me. I haven't
enjoyed an episode of Voyager this much since... the
last one.
        This episode opens with a scene involving Seven
and Janeway's growing relationship. You'll pardon me if
I find this whole idea a bit screwed up and topsy
turvy. Janeway forcibly seperated Seven from the
collective and proceeded to make her into a slave of
sorts working on Voyager with all the benfit going to
Janeway, her de facto master. Now they are best buds
just chillin' on the holodeck getting those
mother/daughter vibes a-running. You will pardon my
skepticism but I find it difficult to believe Seven has
not only forgiven Janeway but has come to rely on her
for information (read anti-Borg propoganda) on the
human condition. That touchy feely rant boarded on high
camp but missed the mark when Janeway seemed to
actually want Seven to believe her. Oh well, I laughed
rather heartily and that's what counts. Well what does
one know? Seven is apparently having visions involving
a big black bird! Luckily enough for us the supports in
her skin-tight leotard prevent anything from jostling
about like it was real or something. Couldn't have
that. The Doc sends her to get food after Janeway
provides the shoddily handled plot exposition for
Seven's presence. She sits down in the cafeteria and,
after two bites cause Borg stuff to pop out of her
hand, punches Neelix in the upper chest, sending him
tumbling backwards in a movement reminiscent of Shemp's
now infamous falling off a building stance. The grace
and precision evident were dumbfounding to one as
simple as myself.
        This episode proved once and for all the doctor
is a sadist and Seven is a tortured soul incased in
furry spandex. The poor girl was better off in the Borg
prosthetics at least then she had sensible shoes. The
poor child, as she stormed away from Neelix, was
evidently wearing 3+ inches of heels. Several
subsequent shots of her posterior, which served no
purpose outside of base titilation, established that
the furry costume is uncomfortable looking from any
angle. Of course if you are really into furry behinds
then you probably liked it. I don't really get off on
that sort of thing, but if you do, then more power to
        Of course at this point I realized she was
having a flashbacks about her childhood assimilation.
The one shot of her cowering under something as some
really angry looking Borg guys reached for her kind of
sledgehammered the obviously too subtle point home.
When I was assimilated into today's version of the
collective for kids, parochial school, I was nearly as
traumatized but luckily for me the ties, dress shirts
and slacks they forced us into were far more
comfortable than furry spandex looks.
        As Seven roams about the ship defeating its
security in a manner reminiscent of how I defeat small
children: hitting them with their biggest and most
expensive toys. The utter simplicity with which she
does this was no less than a modern miracle of plot
design allowing her to get past security who, while she
is still unarmed fire phasers and then stop and stare
as that furry behind struts away and into a weapons
locker. Interestingly enough, just after Janeway orders
a lock down, barges into a turbolift which of course
works after she presses a grand total of 5 buttons
which apparently is enough to input a Borg encryption
code (that is one powerful GUI). Tuvok and his security
guards, who are carrying big ole' rifles set to stun,
get into strategic postions, which are in clear view as
opposed to the *three* other spots that weren't, around
Seven and fire at the largest targets on her anatomy.
Stupid them. It should have been obvious to them by now
that of all the areas likely to contain organic
material that ain't one of them. We are forgetting
through all of this no more security guards have shown
up, no panels have deactivated and everyone  is
standing around the bridge massaging their most foul
hole with a thumb or two.
        Seven gets to one of the infinite shuttles by
beaming herself with a transporter that couldn't lock
on seconds before using the interface on those
marvelously efficent panels for shuttlebay doors. The
shuttle, which blows open a major hole in the ship,
was, in all of 13 seconds, modified by 7 to a) allow
the shuttles shields to be immune to tractors b) figure
a simple way to cloak the ship from Voyager's sensors
c) give the aliens, who also seem to be into making
interesting fashion statements, the information Voyager
gave us all long ago: Janeway and those in her command
are incompetent buffoons who can't seem to over power
ONE of their own shuttles and d) make the shuttle way
more powerful than those alien warships that were more
than a little indicative of the designer's
preoccupation with Pez dispensers. Impressive
considering she had to do this by punching a keypad
like anyone else. Must be the power of the furry suit.
        No one bothers to order repairs for the
shuttlebay which has just gone kaboom. This is no doubt
because once you throw logic out the window for the
story to progress this far, going deeper into the
absurd is overwhelmingly easy. In fact when I delve
into that dangerous realm known to mortals as
Absurdity, I find it easiest to disassociate myself
from anything sensible or sagacious. Near as I can tell
Voyager's writers, producers and actors have taken this
to level that I am incapable of recreating.... and
don't think I haven't tried.
        Well of course Janeway orders Seven's cargo bay
examined for clues because, as I am sure you know, Borg
just love to leave incriminating bits of evidence
laying around like log entries about dreams! Very Borg
like. Anywho the good doctor has developed a a way to
immunize her against the implants in a move more
stupefying that stupendous, and comes up with a cure
(which, if I heard right, would indubitably act as a
kind of immunization) for Borgism. This gave me pause.
No. It frightened me as to the competence of all those
other Federation doctors. The addleplated twits they
are had to perform extensive surgery to cure that type
of thing but not the poorly supplied and equipped
Holodoc! Oh no! He can cure anything if you give him 30
minutes and the plot necessitates it. Come to think of
it everyone on Voyager is smarter than everyone else in
the Federation at their jobs. Unfortunately thier
beloved leader isn't.
        Paris and Tuvok, the helm and security
officers, take off for a quick jaunt into enemy
territory which was protected by an advanced grid until
it got in the way of plot. Luckily it developed a hole
the size a of a shuttle for them to waltz on through.
Boy is it a good thing those aliens enemies never spent
a whole hour studying that sensor grid or they might
have been overrun. They proceed to chase Seven and come
across a small force of alien vessels which were
disabled when Seven, using her supershuttle, disabled
them. Once they encounter her they manage to beam
through her super powerful tractor proof shields. Tuvok
gets Vulcan neck pinched (because all Borg are trained
in such manuevers) and gets to lay his head on Seven's
        Meanwhile, back on the miracle ship, Harry's
geekdom comes to a head as he brags to Janeway about
being in the logs of a Borg chick. This being the time
for humor she is of course amused and sits down to
relax and read. Reading about the a raven gives her a
brilliant insight which she of course refuses to share
with her first officer to keep him in a suspenseful
mood. Of course for the second time in the course of an
episode Janeway orders her ship and the crew thereof to
violate the laws of another race to chase after an
unwilling captive. I am still not quite sure why you
would want to have someone onboard who can override
your computer anytime they feel like taking a hot bath
but this is Voyager.
        Tuvok and what's her face beam down to a
planet. Go inside a ship giving Jeri Ryan a chance to
stretch for all she was worth while reliving a that
horrible day when she entered catholic school/the
collective. And then the alien ships begin to fire at a
20-year-old hulk and only shake it slightly. This
causes Tuvok and Seven to run around in circles looking
for a way out of a ship that has more holes than the
plot. They of course run to a hole that has been
blocked then run back to the other hole they were just
at which is also blocked and begin to dig away what
bares and uncanny resemblence to the spare parts of '59
Chevy. I swear to a god I don't believe in with prayers
I rarely use there was a hubcap in that rubble.
        Of course the purpose of this episode, other
than making me laugh really hard, was clearly to show
that Seven has now turned against the Borg. I guess
there was something in there about 'we' (being humans)
are so much better off with someone like Janeway
telling us what to do and people like Kim and Neelix
allowed to reproduce freely. Gosh do I feel lucky.
        Sign me up tommorrow.

        On the Cronan Scale of Horrible and Unnatural
Disasters: 9.7. (For reference "Power Rangers: The
Movie" is a 10.)

-- Plain and Simple Cronan, Captain of the USS Megadittos <*>
I often find my opinions stick out like an erection in a lesbian bar.
UIN: 3549400 - cronan@deathsdoor.com - See the GodFAQ and learn how
the universe is really run at http://gpgod.home.mindspring.com/godfaq.htm

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