A Plain and Simple Series, #28

Norman Returns (VOY: "Scientific Method")

(Cronan Thompson)

[OR: Norman Returns]

        Cronan has left the cranium. He left the minute
he saw the title. After that point I, Norman the
sadistic, three inch blue elf took over. I would put
spoiler space but if you watched this episode without
screaming and pulling out your genital hairs you don't
need it. So lets just jump onto into the sewage and see
if we float to the top like this turd did?
        Throughout this episode I felt like I was
watching a porno flick. Note that Cronan lost all
interest in these when he was 15 and realized they were
all the same. For the unintiated the basic outline for
a prono is to get a man with a rather large penis and a
woman with pendulous breasts to copulate in a totally
unrealistic manner possibly with the assistance of
several other people fitting the above to archetypes.
Near as can be told the basic plot outline of
_Scientific Method_ is to get a monumental plot
contrivance and woman with pendulous breasts to unite
in a totally unrealistic manner with the help of
several vaguely defined and wholly archetypal villains.
        I could detail the problems I had with this
episode. I *could* point out all the little plot
irregularities. I could go to great lengthes to make it
clear why God herself vomitted into her cup of milk and
honey as she watched this episode. But I won't. That's
boring. I prefer unremitting hostility shaped to a fine
edge, fused with a deep hatred for mankind and applied
with surgical precision.
        Torture is a hobby of mine. Nothing quite beats
the thrill of inflicting severe pain on those helpless
to respond in kind. Voyager's writers, having
discovered this method of self arousal, designed scenes
that could have had no other purpose. Neelix and
Chakotay arguing? Can you come up with a train of
thought that justifies this scene other than, "You know
those two characters who have no sexual, emotional, or
dramatic appeal? Yeah, well, let's give them some
scenes together. You know, because the fans have been
asking for it." ??
        Janeway sure proved her point, huh? I mean the
way she saved her crew from certain death by heading
straight for a star at top speed was pretty damn
amazing, wasn't it? Tactical manuevers like that one
there force me to reconsider my previous estimation of
the character as a hypocritical, whiny, stupid,
demented, emotional, static, rigid, oxygen-deprived
coward. Now I can see why they put her in command. At
least her hair helped add to the porno feel of this
        There is a Monty Python skit that centers upon
a joke that is so funny it kills all who read it. They
split the joke up, translate it into german and use it
to win The War. As I watched this episode I got the
distinct impression it was written by 12 seperate
people each locked in a room with Pippi Longstocking
playing on an autorewind VCR to prevent anything like a
cogent thought from slipping in. To insure a complete
disregard for anything that may resemble a logical
chain of events several hours midgets in diving suits
are placed in their underwear. This may not make much
sense to you and I but trust me, I know these things.
All evil elves know these things. That is why we are
evil. Duh
        Simply say this episode was intellectually
repulsive, phsyiologically disruptive and emotionally
revolting is not enough. We must go deeper and further.
Words that are seldom used, like frass and embolaliaic,
must be drawn from their slumber in our collective
thesauri aimed squarely at the ever more foul cesspoo
whose only saving grace lies in the two words above its
        Of course the episode wasn't all bad. Near the
end there was a commercial for the new Geo. Cronan
wants one and will probably get one come this
December... wait... that was during Spin City... I
guess there was nothing good afterall
        I suppose I should be congratualted for being
as vague as is humanly possible... but then again I am
an elf.

-- Norman, Evil Elf and Co-Ruler of Cronan's World Oligarchy
Hear me roar at http://gpgod.home.mindspring.com/norman.htm

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