A Plain and Simple Series, #32

B5: A Future History of Whoop Ass

(Cronan Thompson)


Babylon 5: A Future History of Whoop Ass
by Plain and Simple Cronan

        Friends, I was watching INTERLUDES AND
EXAMINATIONS tonight and realized that B5 has several
distinct versions of WHOOP ASS (pronounced WHO OOP

        Needless to say each race has it's own brand of
Whoop Ass but we will only cover the major ones:
        The number one kind of whoop ass is that served
up by the Vorlons. It's very special. Vorlon Brand
Whoop Ass(tm) is the most powerful kind. It not only
comes in calamari flavor but can be mixed with Minbari
Brand Whoop Ass(c) to produce White Star Brand Whoop
Ass(tm) (as demonstrated in A VIEW FROM THE GALLERY).
It's slightly inferiod to pure Vorlon Brand whoop ass
but exists in greater quantities.
        Almost equal to Vorlon Brand Whoop Ass(tm) is
Shadow Brand Whoop Ass(tm). Were it not for their
weakness against peepers they'd be nubmer one but since
they run away from Bester (owner of the copyright on
PsiCorp Brand Whoop Ass) they  cannot possibly be
number 1. Shadow Brand Whoop Ass(tm) was once mixed
with Earth Brand Whoop Ass(tm) to create something
slightly inferior to White Star Brand Whoop Ass(tm) but
still quite effective on it's own.
        Number three on the scale of Whoop Ass is First
One/Lorien Brand Whoop Ass(tm). Extremely rare and seen
only once (INTO THE FIRE) it is still quite impressive
and has neato lights all over it.
        Minbari Brand Whoop Ass(tm), probably the most
powerful brand of Whoop Ass currently available, is
often mislabeled as Delenn Brand Whoop Ass(tm)
primarily because it is canned in the same factory.
While Delenn's brand is often the blasting cap that
ignites Minbari Brand(c), they are distinct and
seperate. Notice too that Delenn also controls, along
with Sheridan (owner of a compeltely different can of
Whoop Ass), White Star Brand Whoop Ass(tm), a spinoff
product of Minbari Vorlon Brand Whoop Ass(tm).
        Needless to say that Earth, Narn and Centauri
Brands of Whoop Ass vary wildly in power depending upon
the size of the can opened up.
        Individual characters are also possessed of
portable cans of Whoop Ass. My personal favorite is
Garabaldi's Homemade Porta-Whoop Ass(c). Quite
effective when used properly. Capable of handing Crazed
Vorlons and multiple opponents(alien or not)
inexplicably ineffective against Lochley
Supermodel-in-a-Can Whoop Ass(c) (STRANGE RELATIONS).
        Following directly behind Da G-man's Whoop Ass
in the great Whoop Ass Pantheon of B5 is Ivannova's
Spicy Whoop Ass(c). Served up lotsa times (SEVERED
always warm but extremely expensive. After that would
have to come Sinclair and Valenn's Ancient Whoop
Ass(c). Versatile to the point of
self-transmogrification (WAR WITHOUT END parts 1 & 2)
and capable of amazing things against evil raiders
(SIGN AND PORTENTS), this kind of Whoop Ass has been
officially discontinued in favor of Sheridan's KICK ASS
Whoop Ass(c) (every episode since MATTERS OF HONOR).
This all too common brand is the Spam of the B5
universe. It is currently being mixed with Delenn's
Prozac-laced Whoop Ass(c), which is prone to psychotic
rages involving genocide (IN THE BEGINNING) and bad
tactical decisions(THE PARAGON OF ANIMALS).
        Londo's Imperial Whoop Ass(c) is pretty much
predestined to kill you. G'kar's Narn Whoop Ass(c) is
pretty hard to swallow and pretty freaky on the whole.
Luckily this is counter balanced by the least
interesting kind of whoop ass on the station, Zack's
Greased Whoop Ass(c). Well Lyta and Byron are really
users of Peeped Whoop Ass(c) and as such don't qualify
as real owners of Whoop Ass. Peeped Whoop Ass(c)
apparently leaves your nipples permanently erect.

...I scare myself on Tuesdays and Thursdays
...Wednesday is B5 and South Park Day
...On Mondays, Saturdays and Sundays I scare other

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