A Plain and Simple Series, #4

Why I Watch Voyager

(Cronan Thompson)


Why I watch Voyager:

10) It would be hard, even for one as consistently
brilliant as myself, to degrade Voyager fans(running a
close second behind god on my shit list) without have
some knowledge of their liturgy.
9) No matter how far it strays from the true path IT IS
8) I sometimes enjoy running head first at a brick wall
after pooring a hornets nest into my BVDs. Voyager is
far more painful and leaves fewer scars
7) Even Hitler like dogs and children
6) As ST on the whole becomes increasingly putrid I
have a certain vile fascination with how low the show
can sink.
5) A sense of duty. You see I have often felt that it
is my responsibility to tune in and watch for the sake
of my grandchildren. I can see a day far in the future
when I'll circle them around, sit back in Spacely
Sprocket Rocking Chair and explain to them the truth
about the collapse of our civilization detailing
Baywatch Nights, Voyager and increasing attendance in
churches nationwide as among the primary contributing
4) Comedic material. In all the known universe nothing
is quite as humorous as sitting around with 3 or 5
other people attempting to prove that the fungus
growing in the decaying forskin of an aborted fetus is
more intelligent than Janeway.
3) A love of bad cinema. Having seen all of Ed Wood's
films. Speed 2 and Batman and Robin I can tell you that
on the heap of poorly written, acted and produced
entertainment Voyager shines like brighter than but a
few others whose names are being withheld to protect
the families of those involved.
2) Searching for Mr. Goodbar.... I have no idea what
this means but the movie was pretty bad and it just
seemed appropriate.
1) A sadistic blue elf named Norman who, in a brazen
attempt to become the dominant personality in the
schizophrenic, pop culture congested jumble that I
kindly refer to as my mind, is trying to out do Doc
Forrestor over MST3k way.

I do hope that clears up the issue for you all.

Capt. Cronan Thompson
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan
an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a
building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a
wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give
orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze
a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a
tasty meal, fight efficently, die gallantly.
Specialization is for insects."
-Robert Heinlen, "Time Enough For Love"

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