A Plain and Simple Series, #9

My grandmother and I could kick
the Borg's collective ass!

(Cronan Thompson)


        My Grandmother and I could kick the Borg's
collective ass!
        After thinking back to the way the Borg walk
and the way they attack in FC I would like to briefly
point out that they are vaguely reminiscent of the
Mummy. You know that slow, critically injured fellow
who would always catch you even thought he couldn't run
worth a damn?
        Well I was thinking that if I had been on the
Enterprise I would have done one of the following
things after Picard ordered me to hold my ground.
        A) I would gotten a really long stick and run
around pushing them over. Afterall, once they went down
they didn't exactly have the means to get up. After and
hour of pushing them down I would have gotten a really
sharp object and dimembered them.
        B) I would have gotten really heavy stuff from
around the ship and thrown it at them. Let's face
facts. The Borg can't catch
        C) I would have sent my grandmother to talk to
them. She would have carefully and longwindedly
explained exactly my Jamaicans are perfect, not the
        D) After replicating one of those antitank
wweapons from Terminator 2 or some simple 9mm revolvers
I would have proceeded to shoot at each Borg until
dead. They would have trouble adapting there little
energy shields tophysical attacks.
        E) If the Borg, by some miracle of modern
technobable, had adapted to the frequency of the
bullets I would have replicated a couple of throwing
knives, swords, lasers(not phasers), and crossbows.
After a quick battle with the Borg, who would die most
painfully and due to the fact that for some reason the
most techno-centric beings in the Galaxy have no energy
        F) After turning off the gravity on all decks
and letting them float about while I used magnetic
boots and another of those long pointy sticks and poked
them for a bit until someone shut the gravity back on
and they all on thier very soft heads.
        G) If all of these painfully obvious ways of
defeating these once strong and fearful foes failed I
would then use the deadliest weapon of all. Running
straight at them and kicking the first one in those
little conga lines they love to travel in. Can you say
dominos ??

        In BoBW we learned to fear the Borg. They were
merciless and uncaring. They didn't hate you they just
wanted your tech and biological distinctivness. But
even there we saw that the Borg ships were the truly
dangerous things not the Borg themselves. once you get
by thier impressive ships they become as dangerous as
tribbles in a barrel of water. I certainly hope they
become fearful again when they show up Voyager's way.

Capt. Cronan Thompson

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